In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.

And…

Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

278 thoughts on “In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.”

  2. A whole week to get past 100.

    The Tera-Post did it in four days.

    I think parallel processing on Giganti-Posts isn’t such a good idea.

  3. John, how could you do that? I mean, changing a three-year old story so that the Entity’s prediction could be fulfilled precisely at the time he reportedly said… You know, I am not sure anybody clicked that link to the old episode anyway, you could have left it as it was. That would have been more honest. I feel kind of cheated now.

    So, what happened to him exactly? “Complete particle singularity”. Like he was reunited with his true self or something. Reminds me of… What was that?

    He was on Earth, and he went back to the Heavens. Jesus?
    Does that mean the Entity is God? Paying the cheques? Oh my g… goosefish. Yeah. Goosefish. Good night. It is late

  4. This venue will just limp along pathetically until the Tera-Post bites the dust. It’s fate.

  7. “complete particle singularity”? I bet he is just queueing up for an iPhone somewhere.

  9. Obligatory August comment. I’m beginning to think that this will not succeed the Tera-Post as the Peta-Post. Nobody ever comes here.

  10. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

  22. In the future the Entity will come back as Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

    He will then have to leave again, and CARS will shut down in early Feb of 2008.

    I am from the year 2020 – IGNORE ME!!!!!!

  24. Back here in the pasture, there is no Entity. Only alfalfa, Scotch broom and Himalayan blackberry vines shimmering in the breeze. And some gophers.

  26. iPrairieDogs have infested the Giga-Post and the Tera-Post. Here at the moribund Peta-Post, iPrairieDogs aren’t allowed.

    Never stopped them before, however.

  32. Hey D0c,

    I’ve been meaning to ask you—I checked your book A New Kind of Science out from the library, skimmed through it, and I just don’t get it. You’re sort of suggesting that the whole universe we live in could be just a huge computation derived from simple iterated rules. But what about the square root of negative one? Do abstractions like the Mandelbrot Set really count? Isn’t that cheating?

    And what about the infinitiy of infinities? I think that one infinity should be enough for anyone.

    Please help yourself to an iPrairieCornDog.

  36. Why, you’re quite welcome to any food you can scavenge here, as long as I am your duly elected mayor.

  38. Me too. I was Chairman of the Bored. I left after a while since not much was happening.

  41. I don’t think we’re going to be able to catch up with the Tera-Post or Giga-Post.

    But that’s okay, because this is where I come to take my nap every day, and I don’t need all the ruckus.

  44. And you did a a nice number there on 111. First commenter to 131 gets a plush stuffed animal!

  49. Good choice. I once chose the plush sleeping tortoise, then later found it was just an ordinary fuzzy pillow.

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