27 Jun 07iPhone Myth or iPhone Fact?

Our iPhone coverage continues as Crazy Apple Rumors Site runs down some of the loose rumors floating around out there about a little phone we like to call…

…the iPhone.

Because that’s its name.

Since all that trademark unpleasantness got settled.

————

MYTH OR FACT? – On Friday, Apple Stores and AT&T stores will close at 4:30 and then re-open at 6:00 for the launch.

FACT. This is to allow them time to cover all other items in the stores with plastic to protect them from the impending nerdgasm.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is not made of metal or glass but of various meats.

MYTH. This is a common misconception but it’s actually Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer who is made of meat.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is neither animal, vegetable or mineral. It is an entirely new form of entity which alchemists are calling “Gwanghoodoodle”.

FACT. That’s fairly self-explanatory.

MYTH OR FACT? – The battery supports up to 8 hours of talk time.

FACT. But it’s kind of academic as you don’t have anyone who can stand to talk to you that long.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone includes alien technology that will allow Apple to issue downloadable hardware updates, for example later changing the 3.5-inch display to 4.0 inches.

MYTH. This is preposterous. Everyone knows that iPhone hardware updates will be carried out by little elves that will sneak into your pants pocket with little screwdrivers.

Be careful sitting down!

MYTH OR FACT? – Male iPhone owners will experience longer, harder erections.

FACT. Actually many of them already are, days before its release.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone will fix dysfunctional relationships, heal your emotional pain and otherwise cure your pathetic, sorry life.

FACT.

It’s right there in the technical specifications.

I don’t have the link.

It’s somewhere down at the bottom.

No Responses to “iPhone Myth or iPhone Fact?”

  1. Biffy says:

    First!!

  2. monkeys says:

    deux!!

  3. UhhhDude says:

    Third! And that’s no myth!

  4. Trevor says:

    4th is a great place to be.

  5. Scott says:

    Since the entity has left this dimension/reality… I wonder if he actually dispersed his essence into the iPhone and if he might be part and parcel with the hype surrounding the device.

  6. redeyebase says:

    whoa.. wasn’t watching and in top 10. hmmm.. where is everyone? waiting on line?

  7. redeyebase says:

    Ahem … Apple stores closing at 2 pm cuz they are slower to make the preps.

  8. disgruntled cynic says:

    I was really undecided about becoming an early adopter on this one. But you’ve made the decision easy. No, no. My erections have been plenty long and hard enough. Seriously. But what good is that with dysfunctional relationships and all this emotional pain?

    If you’ll excuse me, I have to go pack a small satchel with supplies for the camp out in line.

    Thanks for the moment of clarity, CARS!

  9. His Steveness says:

    9th little iphone pony

  10. OMGHAX says:

    Math or Fyct?

  11. Nxxx says:

    Cure my useless pathetic life?

    Nah. I like it this way.

  12. Rip Ragged says:

    It will also regrow hair; eliminate aphids, mites and grubworms; cook a ten pound prime rib medium rare in 15 minutes; reduce greenhouse emissions from most internal combustion engines; walk the dog; rock the baby to sleep; and reduce teen pregnancies by thirty percent year over year.

    It can be used to spread mayonnaise, but for sanitary reasons that isn’t recommended.

  13. Carbonfish says:

    Fifteen? Nice offering John. Thoughtful, clever, well spoken. Another gem. Bravo.

  14. Huh? says:

    Sweet! Pocket elves!

    I already have trouser gnomes, but ELVES?!? WOW!!!

    No. You may NOT see my gnomes….
    Maybe later.

    After several drinks.

  15. chimp says:

    …and never had screwdriving elves in my trowsers

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    Thank you CARS staff!

    I have added “nerdgasm” and “gwanghoodoodle” to my vocabulary and will employ these terms when appropriate in future comments and party patter. It’s almost like having an iPhone in my pocket.

  17. yet another steve says:

    Ummm…. actually…. the iPhone causes cancer in laboratory animals, will cause a 10 foot rise in sea levels, is too intoxicating to women for them to be able to consent to sex, will bankrupt social security, destroy the family, and be used to club cute baby seals… all to serve the illuminati of the New World Order.

    Despite those negatives, it really does annoy Dvorak… so it’s worth it.

  18. Miiphone of the Future or Something... says:

    Are the Elves all Japanese? Can they wield screwdrivers like a samurai sword!? Will they prod you with the screwdrivers (and possibly behead you,) if you mistreat your iPhone. If you sell an iPhone on eBay, should you keep the elves or do they have to stay with the iPhone? How much do they weigh? I really need to know… that and how big are they? I mean… I’m gonna have to stuff them in a box to ship with the iPhone. I guess I’ll just use the original iPhone box. Does the iPhone box have beds for the elves? What about food for the elves? Will I need to restock on food for the box? What about if I keep the elves, will I have to feed them? Or do they eat eachother… until there is just one who eats himself until he’s a swirling ball of anti-matter. Will the Entity come out of the swirling ball of anti-matter? Do the elves poop? Could they do it… well, not in my pants. If a women sticks them in her front pockets, how long will it be before they impregnate her? Or can elves not crossbreed with humans? But then how do you explain the D&D race “half-elf”… or is that just half an elf and nothing else ‘cuz the other half got chopped off? What about Santa, how do you explain him? Did you know their are aprox. 2,000,000,000,000 Misses Clauses?

    I suppose this is satisfactory despite all the questions that still need answers, I’ll find those out for myself. I’m off to get an iPhone… or more specifically to stand in line for about 32 hours and then get an iPhone. IpHONE!

  19. Doc Wolfram says:

    Well, John, now you have enough questions for TWO MONTHS of Help Desk Fridays. You can take long weekends for the rest of the summer!

    No, no thanks are necessary. The board already approved it.

  20. John Moltz says:

    Actually, the credit for the “nerdgasm” news should go to Jon Deal on Twitter (appropriated with permission). Although, he may have stolen it from someplace else.

  21. nonlinearG says:

    The elves are Japanese. It’s part of Japans zero population growth. Owners can expect exponential growth in their sushi bills. ATT plans to offer a “sanitary” option to their 2 year required service. Don’t pass it up!

  22. The Invisible Alchemist Evil Goat Appreciation Coffee Klatch and Sewing Circle says:

    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle
    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle
    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle
    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle
    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle
    Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle Gwanghoodoodle!

  23. fatbo says:

    Cake or Death?

  24. Huh? says:

    death.
    NO!!!! WAIT!!!!!

  25. Rip Ragged says:

    Why the hell does everything have to cause cancer? There must be something out there that causes pisces. I need a judges’ ruling.

    Furthermore, it seems to me that a rise in sea level will improve the value of a lot of currently inland property – some of it mine.

    Can gwanghoodoodle be used for any other purposes?

  26. Moof says:

    Yes, Rip! Gwanghoodoodle is really like Steve’s RDF. Think about it. iPhones are made in Asia. Asians have a hard time with “F” and “P” (amongst others). They also end a lot of enlish words with “E” Likey I want to learn Englishee. Therefore, iPhone -> iFone -> iPone -> iPonee -> iPony!

    Steve is fucking brilliant!

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Now that I’ve read all the advance reviews of the iPhone, I’m sure I will not get one.

    Why? Because all agree it’s not perfect, and that’s a deal-breaker for me.

    Sure it’s close to perfect, but Apple couldn’t bother to add a little more oomph and create a device with no imaginable drawbacks. Thus they lose one of their most loyal customers. I trusted them once before when I bought that pair of iPod Socks, only to discover they had holes in them. My toes got cold!

    Never again.

    Maybe they’ll learn from this, but for now I’m not buying.

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