Jobs Gives Freebie to Employees.

CEO Steve Jobs told employees in an all-hands meeting today that by the end of July they would be getting a highly coveted prize.

According to sources at the meeting, Jobs said that employees could choose to receive either a free iPhone, coveted by gadget geeks and consumers, or a free pony, universally coveted by little girls. Keeping with his maniacal attention to detail, Jobs said he would be asking each employee in a one-on-one, Mexican rules meeting which one they preferred.

“Make no mistake,” Jobs said from a perch 100 feet above the employees, “The iPhone is revolutionary in a way that I’ve only said once or twice before. Maybe three times. Four, max. You will all want one.

“However,” he continued, swooping down on a prototype Apple anti-gravity pad to hover mid-air above a startled mid-level accounts manager, “You may also ask for a pony.”

Jobs said that employees would be expected to bring the pony into work each day, provide it with fresh hay and bedding, groom it, and sing to it. And the pony could not interfere with work or chores.

“If you choose an iPhone, you will have access to the greatest handheld Internet browsing technology ever developed, the best iPod ever, and a crappy-ass phone with a mediocre voice network behind it,” Jobs said, looking deep into the souls of several employees.

“But you could also have… a pony. And ponies have their own… pedestrian… charms. I suppose.”

An informal survey after the event revealed that 73 percent of employees would prefer the iPhone, for reasons that include cubicles too small to contain a pony and their Aeron chair, the smell, or that they are not 13-year-old girls. 22 percent of employees said they were just freaked out by Jobs flying around and looking into their souls and wanted to get out of there as fast as they could and didn’t even hear what he said. The last 1 percent said they’ll take the pony, but insisted it would only be for their kids.

38 thoughts on “Jobs Gives Freebie to Employees.”

  1. Nice piece. Stunning imagery. I give it a 7.

    You know if you rearrange the letters in iPhone, take some away, add some, you end up with “There’s a dwarf in my pocket. Can you hear him sing?”

    Don’t tell me that’s a coincidence!

  2. Who’s got the franchise on the crap.

    Come on guys, I was referring to the pony droppings, very environmental.

  3. Hmm, 73% + 22% + 1% = 100%? Did that thing that happened to the Entity change how math works? Because if it did, that would explain a LOT of my mistakes lately. Not that incident with the sexbots, but pretty much everything else.

  4. @Shawn

    Yes, 73%+22%+1%=100%.

    What’d you think? 73%+22%+1%=95%? What a typical nooby idiot’s thought!

    You can find it by using the Law of zacCy (which may or may not have to do with the Entity… it’s classified,) which is long and hard to describe to the likes of you however, rest assured those at CARs have done their work correctly.

    Personally, I would take the iPhone, and use the bizarre radio waves it emits to knock Jobs off his cool floating chair, then take the iPhone and the chair. I’d just hope he didn’t have any other cool gadgets up his sleeves.

    But alas, I’m not an Apple Employee, I get nothing.

  5. Just a totally unrelated question (or a half-dozen): Is Jobs going to build an iDysonSphere soon? Or has he already? Are we living in one right now? Is the iAntiGrav just an offshoot of research into the iDysonSphere? Questions, questions, questions! All you leave me with are questions, MoltZ (I like the last letter of your name, it makes me happy)!

  6. sigh…

    noobs, 4% covers all the misc categories of Apple employees that don’t use their hands… er… anyway, like mike in testing lab 5u who’s ‘all thumbs’ and gina in sexbot development who has ‘two left feet’– And don’t forget all the golems employed by Apple.

  7. You’ve all missed the point. Scramble ‘iphones’ and you get ‘poines’ – but what the h*** happened to the ‘h’?

  8. No, Joe, you were right the first time, too. You get ‘poines’ if you scramble iPhone and lose the ‘h’. It just doesn’t have the same cachet as Ponies!

    PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES! PONIES!

  9. You guys all missed the point.

    The Wall Street Journal has dubbed it the Jesus Phone. Pg A15, 6.29.07.

    Moltz has been out Moltzed.

    Is this too close to reality?

  10. Okay, so I’m not a 13 year-old girl, and I have no kids, but I’d still take the pony over the phone.

    I’d let the pony roam free in the neighborhood all day, and it could sleep in the garage next to the cars at night. That’s “cars,” not CARS. I wouldn’t let any pony of mine go anywhere near the latter.

    Now if Apple ever release a multi-touch, widescreen, 200 GB iPod, I’d take that over the pony. Less upkeep, and movies don’t look so good when displayed on a pony. Wrong aspect-ratio, it would seem.

  11. Or maybe it’s phonies? Perhaps the whole thing is a scam and the Apple Store and AT&T stores will be handing out cards saying ‘you’ve been”jobs’d”?

  12. WTF? What happened to my registered nick? Did I miss something here? Was it iJacked? (Please notice the rather clever word pun I utilized here. thankee, thankee)

    Anyways, you guys are all missing out on what’s going on here.

    Everyone’s all hyped up with the iPhone and the iHoverchair and the iDon’tknowwhatelse, but…

    BUT….

    Did you realize all those $%$^&#@%^ out there in line are going to get to use Leopard long before we, the long time Apple Slaves and Accolites, do??????

    Did you? Did you???

    Oh…

    you did?

    errr….

    ok, I’m gonna go over there… and… dunno, shed a lonely tear of dissappointment. Why do I get ot wait till October and them @!$%!@$ don’t?

    *sniff*

  13. It seems like such a long time ago that I read the original post. Make sure I have the details right: Employed Apples are worth free ice cream and a pony keg? And then there was something about a grassy knoll. Hay?

    Help me out here. I’m struggling with all of these conditions.

    If this is what it sounds like, I may have to go to Cupertino and knock a few heads together, or possibly take out the trash. Either way, something has to be done.

  14. I am looking for something to do with my older phone, a Razr, because now I have an iPhone.
    I have already considered eBay, however, Razrs are now ancient pieces of crap when compared to iPhones, therefor I can not sell it. I have considered waiting 50 years or so for it to become an antique I can sell for jacked up prices at a pawn shop however, I would like to get rid of it now (taking up too much space you see… those are huge things!)

    I’ve also considered running it over with a car or throwing it away. But then I’d be tackled by green martians interested in preserving the Earth and all of humanity. (They’re abducting people one by one to see test various ways to cook a person, I hear they’ve almost perfected the recipe, very soon they will all come to eat us all! Tell the President! No, tell Steve Jobs! He’ll invent the iXenocide to kill the aliens with! Or maybe it’ll be called the Mac OS Xenocide… I like the ring of that too…)

    Speaking of rings, I still need to get rid of my Razr.

    Anyways, I’ve concluded I should eat it. I hear these phones now-in-days taste like candy bars! It’s one of the odd features I hear lots of cellular phone companies pushing a lot… never thought I would ever take advantage of it until today.

    So… I need to know:
    1.) Has anyone actually tested the candy bar feature of a Razr phone?
    2.) Does it have almonds? I’m… no, my friend is allergic.
    3.) How many calories is it? How much hamster whipping should I do to work off that weight?
    4.) Is it normal to have worms in your stool (you know, shit,) after eating a Razr?
    5.) Speaking of shit… what will it look like when it comes out the other end? It won’t clog my toilet will it? Maybe I’ll just go in my lawn like the neighbors cat does all the time.

    Yes… getting these answers to me ASAP would be great!

  15. 1. It tastes like chicken (tetrazini)

    2. Two cashews and a peanut. No almonds (except in the pink ones)

    3. 175 Calories if consumed with a whole egg. (no data available on hamster whipping or chicken choking)

    4. Those are not worms. They are manifestations of ignored telemarketer calls

    5. The neighbor’s cat prefers your two-quart sauce pan, but only when you warm it up for him.

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