While technology watchers are eagerly anticipating Friday’s release of the iPhone, physicists and others are concerned that this week’s frenzy of non-stop iPhone mania may have disastrous implications for quantum mechanics and other fields.
According to Dr. Phillip Binette, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Physics Department, iPhone “news” has so eclipsed other events that it is threatening to force them out of our plane of existence.
“There is only so much logical space in our universe,” Binette said. “Think of it like a Chinese take-out box stuffed with Kung-Pao Shrimp. The more shrimp you stuff in, some shrimp pop out the bottom.
“One succulent morsel of crustaceany goodness after the other.
“Mmm. Dammit, I’m hungry.”
According to Binette, there are already disturbing signs that large chunks of our reality are being spat from the universe like watermelon seeds.
“There are whole swaths of North and South Dakota and Nebraska that are nothing but desolate wastelands. Also, whatever happened to Lindsey Wagner? She’s just disappeared. I mean, I saw an ad for the Bionic Woman the other day and she wasn’t even in it”
A research assistant approached Binette and whispered in his ear.
“What?” he said. “Oh.
“I’m being told those states have always been like that. And Lindsey Wagner is just, uh, really old now.”
Still, the over-abundance of iPhone coverage seems to be a self-evident and there is concern in circles other than that of quantum mechanics.
Dale Houser, a system architect at the World Wide Web Consortium said “Even the web can only hold so much pabulum. We’ve seen a number of system failures as the level of people talking out of their asses about a device they haven’t even seen first-hand has increased exponentially in the last several days.”
Houser asked that anyone who can find it within themselves to just shut the hell up for four days please do so.