29 Jun 07iPhone Eve Special Coverage!

MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.

WEBBER: Hello.

MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?

WEBBER: That’s right.

MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.

WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.

MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?

MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!

MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…

MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!

MOLTZ: What?

MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!

MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.

MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!

MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?

HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.

MACGRUDER: Aaaaiiiiii!

MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?

UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.

WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.

MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?

SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.

MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.

SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.


SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.

MOLTZ: He what?

SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!


SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.

SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.

MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.

SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.

MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.

SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.

MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.

SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.

MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?

UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…

MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.

WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!

UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!

WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.

UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!

MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?

YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.

MOLTZ: What?! No!

YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!

MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!

YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!

MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!


MOLTZ: Oooh.


MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.


MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.

UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!

WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!

MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?

HOWARD: Avarice.

MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!

No Responses to “iPhone Eve Special Coverage!”

  1. Lord Coronary says:


  2. Akatan says:

    So… uh… is Masako okay?

    ‘Cause, uh, Howard and her are kind of the top minds there.

    Just sayin’.

    No offense.

  3. Yourmedic says:


  4. OMGHAX says:

    How come no neanderthals can conjugate verbs properly?

  5. Ventzi says:

    6th in line to peak into the iPhone


  6. Nxxx says:

    Your best Help Desk ever John.

  7. zit says:

    Back on form!

  8. Huh? says:

    So, that’s what that bright light was in the sky…. hmm…

    Saw it all the way down here in So Cal…
    Hope Masako is feeling better…
    But, if anyone should have known better, it should have been her.

    Oh, well..

  9. Tom says:

    Way to extract some urine!

  10. JohnGurn says:


    (First post ever, and I make it to eleven.)

  11. Miiphone of the Future or Something... says:

    If only Macgruder already had his iPhone… he could have checked the status of the wolverine packs using Google Maps… but it’s too late for that now isn’t it? So… have you dragged him out yet? Is he in the hospital? Does he need blood donated? IB+ that I won’t give him mine.

    Regarding the light Yamamoto saw, if you turn to page 57 of the iPhone user manual it clearly states that the iPhone uses advanced alien technology. You must never open the iPhone or it will try to call home using light signals. You wouldn’t want to be sucked up by a giant robot, then shredded and have your blood sprayed across a corn field would you? Good, don’t open the iPhone.

    This is probably one of the most inconstant holidays ever… “iPhone Eve”… we’ve never had one before (closest thing would have been “iPod Eve” but that was October 23rd, 2001,) and I doubt we’ll ever have one again.

  12. elfle says:

    I had hoped to get an early post while others were off getting an iPhone or getting off on an iPhone. But then I fell asleep. Baker’s dozen, anyway. Now I’ll read it.

  13. Huh. Well I guess that takes care of that.

    Over at Apple Insider they took one apart. They found a component with alien markings on it that seems to match markings found on unidentified items found in the New Mexico Desert in the 1960s.

    Apple is outsourcing again. Boy am I pissed.

  14. Alley Oop says:

    Woohoo! First post made from an iPhone!

    How is my typing?

  15. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Champagne !
    We here in olde Europe will have to wait a little more for that phone.
    But we speak Morse fluently, ti ti ti ta ti ta ta.

    And with the champagne, I propose some Sablé Salé à la tomate et au romarin, and Canapé au lard.

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    Tell Thor I have a 3rd generation iPhone lent me by Jon Ive. It uses Verizon, has GPS, image stabilization, voice recognition, and anti-mugging features. It also floats. It’s very sleek, even slippery. Could be used as a hockey puck in a pinch. And there are no buttons at all!

    But it won’t turn on. I’ve tried shouting “open sesame” repeatedly but no dice. I wish it would come on, because I really want to say “Computer: tea, Earl Grey, hot,” and see what happens.

    Okay, I see. It’s really just a prototype carved from Ivory soap. Never mind.

  17. Carbonfish says:

    Geezus John, some of us have stuff to do and can’t wait until the middle of the night for you to do your thing. Sheesh!

    Hey, could someone please update the “Meet the Staff” page to reflect the sad loss (read that “disappearance”) of the Entity? I get a little weepy seeing his eerie glowing orbish headshot there when I go to show Howard’s picture to my dogs to show them what underachievers they are.


  18. John Moltz says:

    Second comment from an iPhone!

  19. I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone
    I’m not jealous of your iPhone

    Seriously. Why would I allow myself to burn in eternal damnation for the deadly sin of envy just because you have the coolest tech toy on the entire planet and I still have a sorry-ass Razr? Huh? Why?

    Where did I put the kerosene and the matches?

  20. Miiphone of the Future or Something... says:

    @Ace Deuse
    “Computer: tea, Earl Grey, hot,”


    This is Captain Jeun-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.

    @Everyone Else
    “Woohoo! First post made from an iPhone!
    How is my typing?”

    Why didn’t you conjugate “How” & “is” to make “How’s”? Sorry, I just expect the iPhone would do it automatically (now that I’m saying it… that sounds like a very odd expectation.) (I used the right word there… right? “Conjugate”?)

    “Second comment from an iPhone!”

    I don’t believe either of you. It helps me to not be jealous to just deny that they might have something that I don’t.

    @The Help Line
    If you believe any of the garbage I’ve posted to this site you’d know I ate mine.

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    We have met the enema. Andy is ours.

    The conjugation is singing with the choir.

  22. Sudo Nym says:

    I’ve been out of touch for a while. I come back and everybody’s talking about this iWhatsis. Can anybody fill me in?

    Also, do we know when Apple’s going to release the G6 Macs? Those things are gonna rock!

  23. blank says:

    I still don’t want one, but I also still wish I could be even half as cool as Thor.

    What a guy!

  24. redeyebase says:

    And what happened to my poiny … er phony … er pony?

  25. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Dammit John! Stop killing off CARS staff members! Is Masako okay? I’m hoping that she comes back liking guys again. Perhaps the intense reality distortion field in the iPhone will reawaken her crush on Steve Jobs.

    Ahh, we can only hope. Come back to us Masako.

    MacGr-who-der? Oh, the dude with the badgers. Yea, he totally had that coming.

  26. Daniel says:

    I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding iPhone Eve Special Coverage!, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong 🙂

  27. […] UPDATE: Enjoy Crazy Apple Rumors’ coverage of iPhone night, which doesn’t feature David at all, right here. […]