06 Jul 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I have a brand new iPhone that I’m having trouble activating. I’ve talked with AT&T and Apple but neither one seems to be able to resolve this issue. But that’s not why I called.
A: Oh. OK, then why did you call?
Q: I called because… I BRING EVIL TIDINGS!
A: Gah! Dammit, why the hell are evil tidings always in capital letters?
Q: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF THE TIDINGS! LEST YE… UM… LEST YE CONTRACT A REALLY NASTY RASH.
A: Yeah, yeah. OK. Nasty tidings rash. I don’t need that.
Q: NO. YOU DON’T. I’VE NEVER HAD ONE MYSELF, BUT I HEAR IT’S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.
A: OK, so lay it on me. What are these tidings?
Q: YOU REMEMBER THE CYBER APOCALYPSE?
A: Oh, yeah. Big bad thing. Was foretold by three signs, all of which came to pass. But it never showed.
Q: YEAH, WELL, IT’S SHOWIN’. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A: Uh, octosquid? So what?
Q: SO WHAT?! IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Um, what?
Q: I SAID IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Gah! I heard you! I meant “What has begun?” And do you still need to be in all caps?
Q: UM, YES. EVIL PORTENTS JUST DON’T LOOK AS EVIL IN LOWER CASE.
A: OK, fine. Drama queen. So… what is it? This is like the fourth sign in the trilogy? Why am I supposed to care?
Q: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN’T A SIGN. THIS IS THE QUICKENING!
A: The hey with the what now?
Q: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECALL YOUR DÉTENTE WITH TENTACULOUS?
A: Tentaculous?! The giant octopus creature at the center of our galaxy, Tentaculous?!
Q: YES. RHYMES WITH “SPECTACULOUS”.
A: You know that’s not a word, right?
Q: YES.
A: Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard not to remember traveling 50,000 light years to fight a bunch of octopuses to a standstill.
Q: HMM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT MORE.
A: Oh, shut up. Just tell me what the octosquid means.
Q: THE OCTOSQUID IS THE SYMBOL OF YOUR ALLIANCE WITH TENTACULOUS. THIS IS BUT THE FIRST, BUT SOON THE RANKS OF THE OCTOSQUIDS SHALL SWELL…
MACGRUDER: Heh-heh. “Swell.”
A: Get out of here, Chet.
Q: …AND THEY SHALL JOIN YOU TO FACE THE HORROR THAT AWAITS.
A: You don’t mean…
Q: I DO.
A: Oh, my god.
Q: YES.
A: George Ou and John Dvorak in thongs?!
Q: UM. NO. I WASN’T THINKING OF THAT.
A: Oh, thank god.
Q: ALTHOUGH, NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF THAT. THANKS VERY MUCH. I’LL HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT.
A: Sorry.
Q: NO, WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO WAS THE ARMIES OF KILLER ROBOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THEIR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
A: Huh? I didn’t hear about any robot rampage.
Q: WELL, OK, RIGHT NOW I’M JUST REFERRING TO THE MURDEROUS RAMPAGE OF THE TRANSFORMERS AT THE BOX OFFICE. BUT IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE, BELIEVE YOU ME.
A: Oh. Heh. Boy, it’s all in how you hear it, isn’t it? Because after what I said killer robots doesn’t seem so bad.
Q: WELL, FINE. GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS MORE EVIL THAN KILLER ROBOTS.
A: OK, so is there something I’m supposed to do? I mean I always relied on the Entity to tell me what to do in these situations. Man, I wish he was here.
Q: EVEN HIS POWERS COULD NOT STEM THIS TIDE ALONE.
A: No, I just mean to answer calls like this. I hate this ponderous crap.
Q: OH.
A: Nothing personal.
Q: SURE. AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, WHY, YOU KNOW IT YOURSELF.
A: Um… I don’t think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.
Q: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.
A: OK. Uh… hmmm… nnnnope. I got nothing.
Q: LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.
A: I’m drawing a blank here.
Q: YOU’VE KNOWN THE ANSWER ALL ALONG.
A: I… don’t think so.
Q: REMEMBER!
A: Uh… huh?
Q: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU GO ON A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY, OK?! A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY! HE ONLY GOT SPIT OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE IN THE FORM THAT YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH AND YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO HELP DEFEAT THE TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE YOU WILL FACE AND SAVE ALL CARBON-BASED LIFE ON THIS PLANET!
A: Oh… wow! I just thought that was gas!
Q: MY GOD! IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER RECEIVED ANY KIND OF PORTENTS BEFORE!
A: I have so! It’s just that the Entity used to draw me little pictures.
Q: OH, GREAT. WELL, NEXT TIME I’LL KNOW TO BRING SOME PAPER AND CRAYONS!
A: So, I’m guessing that this is one of those quests where I won’t get a lot of instruction so I should probably just get in the car and start driving.
Q: RIGHT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT.
A: OK, well, I think I’ll take Howard. Leave Thor in charge. Maybe take some Baked Lays if I’m trying to find the Entity. He always liked Baked Lays.
Q: MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
A: Hey. Who are you, anyway?
Q: A FRIEND. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… DEEP SQUID.
A: “Deep Squid”? Really?
Q: IS… THAT NO GOOD? I’M REALLY KIND OF BETWEEN CODE NAMES. HOW ABOUT TENTACLE BOY?
A: Uh… I think Deep Squid is better.
Q: OK.
A: So… Deep Squid. Does this have anything to do with Apple?
Q: OH, YES.
A: OK.
Q: AT LEAST… I THINK SO.
A: [sigh] OK. Great. Well, I’m gonna go pack.

49 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Loose Leaf says:

    1st?

  2. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay, well. I guess I’m going to go get some Baked Lays. Or maybe get baked and try to get laid or something.

    I’m first. AND I already posted some useless garbage on my site.

    Shit I’m hot. I’m going to fix the A/C in the morning.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    One possibly, but most likely two.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    I meant to say three again.

  5. Rip Ragged says:

    You know. I’d start stacking posts in childish anger except I’ve been up since 4:45 this morning.

  6. Carbonfish says:

    John, what’s a “MYSTERIOUS WASY”?

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    It’s mysterious.

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    Well, except it’s in all CAPS. THAT isn’t mysterious.

  9. Loose Leaf says:

    Make it a clean 24 hours. Keep posting until then.

    I don’t care if the Entity likes baked lays or not. I’m going for the baked Doritos. Maybe some salsa with that. Mmmm salsa.

  10. Nxxx says:

    Shakespeare is not dead but never realised Stratford on Avon was in the States.

  11. Rip Ragged says:

    Nxxx is right. Larry Shakespeare is my next door neighbor. His wife sells Avon. I don’t know what their car is, but it might be a Stratford. Or possibly a ’92 Taurus. Next time you’re in the neighborhood drop by.

  12. Carl says:

    12 is like one and half octopuses many.

  13. Carbonfish says:

    You guys know what this means don’t you? Moltz is just going on a road trip because he doesn’t want to pay the freight on beer imported from the galactic core.

    Not only that, but now that he’s written about it, he gets to write the whole trip off as business, the sly dog…

    Looking for the Entity my ass. Looking for intergalactic trim more likely.

  14. John Moltz says:

    As much as I like “MYSTERIOUS WASY”, I changed it.

    And, hey, I’m always looking for intergalactic trim.

  15. Senioré Soosy says:

    Way to shake up Friday Feature and at the same time start what is sure to be an amazing story arc.

    I just crapped my pants in anticipation.

  16. Sudo Nym says:

    I love a good quest.

  17. OMGHAX says:

    Oh MY GOSH! That octosquid is awesome!

    Thank goodness for deep sea pipes.

  18. redeyebase says:

    my, my, a lot of activity tonight …

  19. redeyebase says:

    Uhm, sorry to mention this John, but 4th Q has a typo … “… but it hear…”

  20. redeyebase says:

    OK, someone is typing too fast tonight… murderouse?

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    The help desk was tentacular tonight! Not helpful though.

    Goodnight John-Boy. Good morning, Nxxx.

  22. Huh? says:

    All that just to say he’s gonna slack off for a while.
    Anyone want to take a guess as to how long he’s going to be gone for?

    I’ll say a week. Back next Monday… If we’re lucky.

    I searched my feelings the other day (or at least what’s left of them) and found sixty-nine cents and a couple of Mickey D’s fries.
    Who knows what John is going to find.

  23. Rip Ragged says:

    Intergalactic Trim. That would be a good name for my band.

  24. Huh? says:

    That would be a good name.

    Now you just need a band, I guess.

  25. Nerd says:

    Yay! Quest for the Entity! Goooooooooooooooooooooooo, Entityyyyyyyyyyy!
    I’ve always liked him better than that Moltz character.

  26. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Does CAPS mean Crazy Apple Pumor Site ?
    In this case, what’s a Pumor, please ?

    Octosquid.
    From these depths, I think it’ll need some serious hammering before the cooking (Hot water, some herbs, origan, maybe, pepper and baies roses (You call that pink peppercorn, that’s a little plain, if I can suggest)), and then, with a Mayonnaise.
    But it could be done on a grill too, with olive oil and coriandre. Portuguese style.

    Eating the beginning of the Doom, isn’t that totally decadent ? Completely Pumoring ?

  27. Garnack says:

    Here’s your first clue John. For the last 2 weeks our snack machine at work is always out of Baked Lays. One minute there are 20 bags of barbecue flavored Baked Lays and the next it’s empty. Yesterday I watched the guy fill the machine at 10:00 AM. I hurried to my desk and grabbed some change and by the time I made it back to the machine at 10:10 AM the Baked Lays were gone. I suspected that maybe the Entity was hanging around and now that you have confirmed that he is still in this dimension, just in a different form, I think my suspicions are confirmed. There is also the Matter of the cockroach with the little cloak and blue glow, but I put that off to late night drinking. Start looking in Florida John!

  28. shawk says:

    The Entity is located in an iPhone.
    There was something about it on Slashdot.
    To find him/her/it, you will have to buy every iPhone ever made.

  29. John Moltz says:

    Just realized that BBEdit doesn’t spell check stuff all in caps. Of course.

    Posting this from my iPhone at a truck stop in…

    Where are we?

    Lacey? We’ve been driving all night and we’ve only gone 20 miles? This is going to be the longest quest ever.

  30. redeyebase says:

    Lacy, TX?

  31. slappy says:

    moltz is going to look in a dell dimension. two of them, actually, because the second will be “another dimension.” he will sell his soul to do this, of course, but the entity will get it back for him. maybe even more than one soul. it will end well. I hope.

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    It’s just what I suspected about these quest thingies. The adventure is mostly gastric; weak coffee, greasy hashbrowns. Then there’s the problem with finding anything in Lacey, or worse ending up in Hoquiam.

    I say spare yourself.Put an ad in the paper, with all the appropriate urgency, calling for the Entity to return. Of course if he doesn’t read the Times we’re screwed, but the stock market is starting to plateau anyway.

  33. John Moltz says:

    The Times? As if. The News Tribune, baby!

  34. Rip Ragged says:

    They still print that? I haven’t seen a Trib in 15 years. But I’m on the culturally deprived side of the state, so what can you expect.

  35. Nxxx says:

    Hey Moltz, nothing wrong with ‘The Times’ except it’s owned by Murdoch, no longer only has small ads on the front page and it’s smaller.

  36. Dark Lord Ubuntu says:

    You realize of course that this is all because of my work porting Ubuntu to the iPhone, don’t you? There’s no better way to invoke evil spirits, even octagonal ones that look vaguely like stop signs when you’re drunk, than by removing the most beautiful phone interface in the world and replacing it with an X11 based terminal view that doesn’t work without an actual keyboard.

    OK, so perhaps that wasn’t the best idea, but once I get this old PC keyboard hooked up through this wireboarded custom iPod adaptor, I’ll be able to compile my partially written phone application, and THEN you’ll see the true power of Ubuntu.

    Suckers.

  37. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Thor is in charge ?!?!?!? Doesn’t Ugluk have seniority? I think I’d be pissed if I was passed over like that. I just hope you are ready to deal with the ramifications.

  38. yawn says:

    not funny

  39. Ace Deuce says:

    Rip said, “But I’m on the culturally deprived side of the state, so what can you expect.”

    For those not familiar with the State of Washington, that would be the Inside. The culturally rich side of the state would be the Outside, where you find Vancouver BC (where they make all the movies); Portland, Oregon (home of Pink Martini and the late Paul DeLay); and Lewiston, Idaho where… uh… they’ve got.. well, nothing, really.

  40. Step says:

    Sweet! That was the best Q&A in a long time. (Also, the only Q&A in a long time…)

    It’s like Lord of the Rings mixed with Undercover Brother. I think I’m gonna cry.

    Nevermind, just got something in my eye. It’s gone now.

  41. Rev says:

    I agree with Chet.
    Swell….

  42. Rip Ragged says:

    Western Washington is very culturally developed in terms of dopers, poorly dressed musicians, monopolistic software companies, Starbucks stores, and snotty liberals with Audis.

    On the eastern side of the state all we have is agriculture, affordable housing, Gonzaga, and radioactive waste.

  43. shawk says:

    Western Washington is also known for expensive, high speed aluminum and carbon fiber tubing.

    Some snotty liberals drive Mercedes.
    At least I do.
    And I prefer to be called a congested leftist.

  44. playboy says:

    playboy here ) just fun

  45. […] Well, remember what Deep Squid said? He said the Entity had been shot out of this universe in the form that we’re familiar […]

  46. Vermilion says:

    I remember when the Crazy Apple Help Desk poked fun at Apple. Now it’s just all one, long inside joke.

  47. Wendy says:

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  48. James Kryten says:

    Hi! I am thoroughly impressed with your knowledge of Portuguese Water Dog. Your insights into this article about Portuguese Water Dog was well worth the the time to read it. I thank you for posting such awsome information. Signed James Kryten on this Day Sunday.

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