Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have a brand new iPhone that I’m having trouble activating. I’ve talked with AT&T and Apple but neither one seems to be able to resolve this issue. But that’s not why I called.
A: Oh. OK, then why did you call?
Q: I called because… I BRING EVIL TIDINGS!
A: Gah! Dammit, why the hell are evil tidings always in capital letters?
Q: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF THE TIDINGS! LEST YE… UM… LEST YE CONTRACT A REALLY NASTY RASH.
A: Yeah, yeah. OK. Nasty tidings rash. I don’t need that.
Q: NO. YOU DON’T. I’VE NEVER HAD ONE MYSELF, BUT I HEAR IT’S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.
A: OK, so lay it on me. What are these tidings?
Q: YOU REMEMBER THE CYBER APOCALYPSE?
A: Oh, yeah. Big bad thing. Was foretold by three signs, all of which came to pass. But it never showed.
Q: YEAH, WELL, IT’S SHOWIN’. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A: Uh, octosquid? So what?
Q: SO WHAT?! IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Um, what?
Q: I SAID IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Gah! I heard you! I meant “What has begun?” And do you still need to be in all caps?
Q: UM, YES. EVIL PORTENTS JUST DON’T LOOK AS EVIL IN LOWER CASE.
A: OK, fine. Drama queen. So… what is it? This is like the fourth sign in the trilogy? Why am I supposed to care?
Q: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN’T A SIGN. THIS IS THE QUICKENING!
A: The hey with the what now?
Q: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECALL YOUR DÉTENTE WITH TENTACULOUS?
A: Tentaculous?! The giant octopus creature at the center of our galaxy, Tentaculous?!
Q: YES. RHYMES WITH “SPECTACULOUS”.
A: You know that’s not a word, right?
A: Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard not to remember traveling 50,000 light years to fight a bunch of octopuses to a standstill.
Q: HMM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT MORE.
A: Oh, shut up. Just tell me what the octosquid means.
Q: THE OCTOSQUID IS THE SYMBOL OF YOUR ALLIANCE WITH TENTACULOUS. THIS IS BUT THE FIRST, BUT SOON THE RANKS OF THE OCTOSQUIDS SHALL SWELL…
MACGRUDER: Heh-heh. “Swell.”
A: Get out of here, Chet.
Q: …AND THEY SHALL JOIN YOU TO FACE THE HORROR THAT AWAITS.
A: You don’t mean…
Q: I DO.
A: Oh, my god.
A: George Ou and John Dvorak in thongs?!
Q: UM. NO. I WASN’T THINKING OF THAT.
A: Oh, thank god.
Q: ALTHOUGH, NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF THAT. THANKS VERY MUCH. I’LL HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT.
Q: NO, WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO WAS THE ARMIES OF KILLER ROBOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THEIR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
A: Huh? I didn’t hear about any robot rampage.
Q: WELL, OK, RIGHT NOW I’M JUST REFERRING TO THE MURDEROUS RAMPAGE OF THE TRANSFORMERS AT THE BOX OFFICE. BUT IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE, BELIEVE YOU ME.
A: Oh. Heh. Boy, it’s all in how you hear it, isn’t it? Because after what I said killer robots doesn’t seem so bad.
Q: WELL, FINE. GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS MORE EVIL THAN KILLER ROBOTS.
A: OK, so is there something I’m supposed to do? I mean I always relied on the Entity to tell me what to do in these situations. Man, I wish he was here.
Q: EVEN HIS POWERS COULD NOT STEM THIS TIDE ALONE.
A: No, I just mean to answer calls like this. I hate this ponderous crap.
A: Nothing personal.
Q: SURE. AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, WHY, YOU KNOW IT YOURSELF.
A: Um… I don’t think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.
Q: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.
A: OK. Uh… hmmm… nnnnope. I got nothing.
Q: LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.
A: I’m drawing a blank here.
Q: YOU’VE KNOWN THE ANSWER ALL ALONG.
A: I… don’t think so.
A: Uh… huh?
Q: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU GO ON A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY, OK?! A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY! HE ONLY GOT SPIT OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE IN THE FORM THAT YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH AND YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO HELP DEFEAT THE TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE YOU WILL FACE AND SAVE ALL CARBON-BASED LIFE ON THIS PLANET!
A: Oh… wow! I just thought that was gas!
Q: MY GOD! IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER RECEIVED ANY KIND OF PORTENTS BEFORE!
A: I have so! It’s just that the Entity used to draw me little pictures.
Q: OH, GREAT. WELL, NEXT TIME I’LL KNOW TO BRING SOME PAPER AND CRAYONS!
A: So, I’m guessing that this is one of those quests where I won’t get a lot of instruction so I should probably just get in the car and start driving.
Q: RIGHT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT.
A: OK, well, I think I’ll take Howard. Leave Thor in charge. Maybe take some Baked Lays if I’m trying to find the Entity. He always liked Baked Lays.
Q: MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
A: Hey. Who are you, anyway?
Q: A FRIEND. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… DEEP SQUID.
A: “Deep Squid”? Really?
Q: IS… THAT NO GOOD? I’M REALLY KIND OF BETWEEN CODE NAMES. HOW ABOUT TENTACLE BOY?
A: Uh… I think Deep Squid is better.
A: So… Deep Squid. Does this have anything to do with Apple?
Q: OH, YES.
Q: AT LEAST… I THINK SO.
A: [sigh] OK. Great. Well, I’m gonna go pack.