Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.

In a conference call with analysts today, Apple announced results from another banner quarter in which it shipped a record number of Macs as well as posting strong sales for the iPod and the newly launched iPhone.

CFO Peter Oppenheimer and COO Tim Cook also discussed the following on the call.

  • The Apple Tablet is coming along nicely and its flash-based memory is… oh, crap, are we on now?!
  • The company sold 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter, 4 of which AT&T was able to activate.
  • The conference call was punctuated by the sound of squealing Apple executives throwing wads of cash at each other.
  • Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech.
  • Asked repeatedly to explain the relationship between Apple’s after-tax price/earnings ratio and its cash and cash equivalents balance and how accounting changes in regards to how subscription revenue would be recognized in subsequent quarters would affect the company’s EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization), Oppenheimer had to admit he had no idea what the fuck analysts were talking about.
  • The company sold 9.8 million iPods but did admit that 7 million of those were sold to 28 individuals who have iPod addiction problems.
  • Toward the end of the call, Cook informed everyone that Clarus the dogcow had been hit by a car late last week and had to be put down.

After the call, Apple declined to comment.

40 thoughts on “Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.”

  1. Steve must really be parted from his Disney connections. Following their ‘No Smoking in our films’ policy, everytime I go to light up, the computer fan blows the match pot.

  2. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo
    oooooooooooooooooooooooo
    oooooooooooooooooooooooo
    oooo, not little Clarus.

    Sigh

    How I’ll miss your moof’s

  3. Dear CARS staff,

    You can’t be “hit be a car” and either can Clarus the dogcow. Please have someone get on that before it becomes part of your permanent record.

    Thank you.

  4. I wonder who was driving the car that hit Clarus. Could it be… Steve Jobs, finishing the job he started with the elimination of the Icon Garden?

    He’s a cruel, cruel man.

  5. Apple should’ve just bought another dogcow from the pet shop and pretended it was Clarus. I expect many suicides from this terrible news. Starting with me! Next time you see me, I’ll be playing Heaven tennis with Jordan Knight’s career!

  6. It was actually euthanasia – Clarus had been caught in the headlights of Stan Sigman’s dual cue cards, and after 6 excruciating hours, gave the signal.

  7. What Huck said.

    I’m about to put fingers in ears and proceed to sing “LALALALALALALALA” right after I say don’t FUCK with Clarus.

    When I take my fingers out I better hear a moof or there’s gonna be blood. I know people. You’ve been warned and given a second chance. This ain’t funny.

  8. NOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOO

    I’m going to have to go with Huh? on this one… Read my nick and number 21, but then read his post again

  9. How did Apple sell 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter? The second fiscal quarter ended April 30th.

    Details, Moltz, pay attention to the details. Sheesh!

    P.S. Double Elevenses!

  10. Ohh.. nooo.. Nooo. NOOOOOO:. first the Newton, and now.. Clarus?
    I can’t stand this terrible world anymore…
    And what is that about the Icon Garden been taken down – are you serious?!? I admit I haven’t been to Infinit Loop since.. ahh..’97, but it better still be there when I’m coming back in.. ahh.. not planned yet..

    Now.. roll over..

  11. You think Jobs running over Clarus is bad, OS 9 was still alive when they buried that casket!

    The horror, the horror…

  12. “the computer fan blows the match pot”

    Whoa, I’d love to see that!

    Clarus wasn’t just hit by a car. He was murdered! And I got a call from a guy last night saying I’m next!

    Entity! I’m comin’ home!

  13. Yes!!!! I was one of the 4 iPhones!!!!

    … and one of the 28 that bought a lot of iPods… hmm…

  14. You can’t win, Moltz. If you strike Clarus down, moof shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

  15. I never knew Clarus. Only because I’m three years old, not a switcher, oh no, not one of those.

    I’d’ve thought the Toast icon would be held in greater esteem. We all need reminded when it’s waffle time.

  16. OK – I’m gonna spill the beans here…

    Clarus is in fact alive and well; but in the witness protection program. I cannot reveal his location, but suffice it to say it isn’t in the icon garden…

  17. wow, i know we can pose as anyone on the ‘net these days, but if you really ARE susan kare, many thanks for taking the time to pointing us to that link. i had forgotten about that goofy little backflip, too. 😉

  18. Pingback: Classic CARS
  19. Rest in peace, Clarus. I only wish you were still around, lurking somewhere in the depths of Tiger, waiting to return.

    I still have your moof as my alert sound.

  20. Who doesn’t love classic cars? Seems everybody does and hollywood has jumped on the bandwagon too. You see them in just about every movie and TV show now.

  21. Информации, думаю, и так вполне достаточно, чтобы сделать вывод, как не надо делать.

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