iPhone Activations Lower Than Expected.

Apple’s stock fell sharply today when AT&T announced that in the last two days of the second quarter, the first two days of iPhone sales, it had activated far fewer iPhones than expected.

While analysts had expected that around 200, 00, AT&T reported only 146,000 iPhones had been activated.

This was not surprising to regular Apple customers, however, who were quickly able to explain away the discrepancy.

“Clearly this delay in activation is simply due to iPhone fondling,” said Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne.

According to Bourne and several other experts reporters spoke with, the purchase of an Apple product is almost always followed by a period lasting hours, sometimes days, when the customer sits and simply caresses it.

“It’s how we get to know an Apple product,” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “Me, I take the phone off the hook, slip into something a little more comfortable and put on a little Barry White.”

Ihnatko said he didn’t personally get around to actually activating his iPhone until five days later.

“It was a particularly succulent morsel,” he noted.

A poll of 200 hundred iPhone buyers indicated that product groping may indeed be to blame as slow jazz could be heard playing in the background of 75% of those reached.

29 thoughts on “iPhone Activations Lower Than Expected.”

  1. I’m forced to make do with an imaginary version. Fortunately, I have practice in that area.

  2. Has anyone else noticed that CARS has been a little less, well… lucid since Moltz has been taking all that mescaline and driving all over the place with Howard?

    I don’t know if it’s because the CARS staff are adrift without his steady hand at the helm, or if it’s because he’s trying to write this stuff remotely from an iPhone with a head full of synapse-busters, or what.

    Personally, I’m a-scared.

  3. I took my iphone on a romantic date: dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant (with real Italians! Not those American dudes faking bad Italian accents) and a romantic movie (Transformers). It was a very lovely date. Unfortunately, when I took us home, one thing led to another and I had to get replacement. The shame I got from the look on that Apple Store girl’s face when i showed her my… Non-functioning iphone will never leave.

  4. Personally, I’m getting a little tired of the all-iPWN-all-the-time coverage. Apple makes computers too. Dicks.

  5. I have a friend who wants to activate his iPhone. He’s been all over Apple.com trying to find out how to get ‘manstuff’ off of the glass. He just can’t see the icons very well.

    I’m sure it isn’t an isolated problem. Well… He is in South Dakota, so it’s kind of isolated.

    I just downloaded the new iTunes. Anyone who needs to can come to my house. I’ll activate iPhones as long as I get to play with them for a little while. I’m broke. Thrills are hard to come by.

  6. Some of us prefer to manhandle rather than fondle our Apple products, and a select few will move on to mangling. It’s best not to mangle after the warranty period has ended.

  7. C’mon, everybody knows the iPhone’s a slack hussy.

    Only just out of the box, fumbling around in your pocket.

    What do think it’s doing? Looking for change? Why would an iPhone need change?

    WAKE UP!!!

  8. I have been extremely lucky, in that others have let me fondle their iPhones.

    Of course, I tidy it up before returning it,

  9. “200 hundred”? It’s one thing to make up stories, but making up numbers is going too far.

  10. I knew this “multitouch” technology would lead to fondling. It appears that most folks skipped right past heavy petting on that one.

  11. During times of sensate arousal and itimate
    encounters talking is the last thing on my mind. I like to believe my behavior is normal.

  12. Is the iPhone genderless… transgender… unigender…one sex fits all…i dunno…


    Say goodbye to activation dysfunction with
    AT&T’s oral solution. Low cost but top dollar.
    Gives you EDGE. Unlimited text and talk.
    They text you long time. 146,000 satisfied customs.
    Call now and keep going all night.

  14. I’ve been to the Apple store twice and just copped a free feel there. They have a big table full of activated iPhones that you can play with to your heart’s content. Yes, it’s very and exciting.

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