Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
A: Uh… hello?
A: Holy crap, where the hell are you?
Q: Uh… let’s see… somewhere in upstate New York…
A: Well, come back!
Q: I can’t. We haven’t found the Entity yet.
A: Well, you’d better hurry because the robots are coming!
Q: What? You mean right now?
A: Well, that’s what Scary Gus was mumbling down at the Gas-N-Sip.
Q: Ooh. And Gus is never wrong.
A: No, sir, he is not.
Q: Well, we’ve been following some good leads and we’re moving toward the Waffle Triangle.
A: Ah, of course! The Cyber Apocalypse equivalent of the Sunni Triangle! That space marked out by Scranton, Penn., South Bend, Ind. and New Port Ritchie, Florida where waffles are most prevalent and where the robot hordes will first strike their bitterest enemy – the waffle!
Q: Um, no. It’s a diner. In North Carolina.
Q: I like your answer, though. If Crabb were here I’d ask him if there was something to that.
A: He’s not with you anymore?
Q: No, we dropped him off at Graceland. Something about setting up a new iMac for Elvis. Apparently – and this should really come as no surprise – but apparently everyone in the afterlife uses Macs.
A: Well, sure. If you’re good.
Q: Right. Windows in hell. Linux in purgatory.
A: So, what, you drop Crabb off and now you’re just wandering around blind again?
Q: No, no, no. We’ve got some new spirit guides.
A: Oh? Who?
Q: Well, there’s Mac the Knife and Sluggo from the Power Computing ad.
Q: Yeah. Well, we ran out of mescaline so we had to switch to a combination of morphine, shots of tequila and hitting each other on the head with old Inside Macintosh books.
A: It occurs to me that this whole thing could be sending the wrong message to America’s youth.
Q: Oh, no, it’s totally cool. Sluggo’s driving and he’s not having anything.
A: Are you coming back soon?
Q: Well, if this lead on the Waffle Triangle pans out, we just need to drop Mac the Knife off on Fire Island and then Sluggo needs to go to Austin. So… a few weeks?
A: Couldn’t you just stop doing the drugs and they’d disappear?
Q: Wow. You just don’t know much about how to treat a spirit guide, do you.
A: You need to come back! The killer robots got to MacOSRumors! It’s gone! We heard that a couple of them pulled Ryan Meader apart like fresh bread!
Q: Gotta go! There’s a Waffle House up ahead! Better check it out.
A: Wait! Where did you leave the shotgun shells?! MOLTZ!!!