03 Aug 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh… hello?

Q: Hello?

A: John?

Q: Chet?

A: Holy crap, where the hell are you?

Q: Uh… let’s see… somewhere in upstate New York…

A: Well, come back!

Q: I can’t. We haven’t found the Entity yet.

A: Well, you’d better hurry because the robots are coming!

Q: What? You mean right now?

A: Well, that’s what Scary Gus was mumbling down at the Gas-N-Sip.

Q: Ooh. And Gus is never wrong.

A: No, sir, he is not.

Q: Well, we’ve been following some good leads and we’re moving toward the Waffle Triangle.

A: Ah, of course! The Cyber Apocalypse equivalent of the Sunni Triangle! That space marked out by Scranton, Penn., South Bend, Ind. and New Port Ritchie, Florida where waffles are most prevalent and where the robot hordes will first strike their bitterest enemy – the waffle!

Q: Um, no. It’s a diner. In North Carolina.

A: Oh.

Q: I like your answer, though. If Crabb were here I’d ask him if there was something to that.

A: He’s not with you anymore?

Q: No, we dropped him off at Graceland. Something about setting up a new iMac for Elvis. Apparently – and this should really come as no surprise – but apparently everyone in the afterlife uses Macs.

A: Well, sure. If you’re good.

Q: Right. Windows in hell. Linux in purgatory.

A: So, what, you drop Crabb off and now you’re just wandering around blind again?

Q: No, no, no. We’ve got some new spirit guides.

A: Oh? Who?

Q: Well, there’s Mac the Knife and Sluggo from the Power Computing ad.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Well, we ran out of mescaline so we had to switch to a combination of morphine, shots of tequila and hitting each other on the head with old Inside Macintosh books.

A: It occurs to me that this whole thing could be sending the wrong message to America’s youth.

Q: Oh, no, it’s totally cool. Sluggo’s driving and he’s not having anything.


Q: What?

A: Are you coming back soon?

Q: Well, if this lead on the Waffle Triangle pans out, we just need to drop Mac the Knife off on Fire Island and then Sluggo needs to go to Austin. So… a few weeks?

A: Couldn’t you just stop doing the drugs and they’d disappear?

Q: Wow. You just don’t know much about how to treat a spirit guide, do you.

A: You need to come back! The killer robots got to MacOSRumors! It’s gone! We heard that a couple of them pulled Ryan Meader apart like fresh bread!

Q: Gotta go! There’s a Waffle House up ahead! Better check it out.

A: Wait! Where did you leave the shotgun shells?! MOLTZ!!!

32 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. jesse says:


  2. jesse says:

    haha i beat you all at your own game on my first post and leaving the lurker closet 😛

  3. disgruntled cynic says:

    Third is the loneliest number.

  4. disgruntled cynic says:

    As for macosrumors.com, I say GOOD RIDDANCE!

  5. UhhhDude says:


  6. Sixy. Ooh, Dell, you’re looking sixy!

  7. UhhhDude says:

    Somewhere along the way to the Waffle Triangle, you can pick up Mac Tonight.

    I hear he’s not really doing much these days, and that oversized moon head may scare off the robots. Or help them relate to him, one or the other.

    Just make sure that The Noid isn’t with him. I hear he’s a real pain in the ass.

  8. redeyebase says:

    no rhyme or reason .. early.late…still top 10

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Number NINE!

    We’ve gotta stop meeting like this…

  10. Carbonfish says:

    Ahhhh, that Moltz… What a card.

    I guess that since he’s on the road and trippin’, he hasn’t heard about the robots made of waffles.

    Quiet, radar non-reflective, sticky (the ones with syrup anyway), and certain, golden-brown death. And forks or bullets won’t stop ’em.

    Good luck Moltz, and Dogspeed.

  11. greenacres2003 says:

    And….I just missed 11. Damn. Must have been the mescaline. Warping time. Saw it when it changed…but then…

  12. Nxxx says:

    13 and the best Help Desk ever.

    But who has it helped?

  13. Sudo Nym says:

    Don’t tell Sluggo about the h-a-r-d-w-a-r-e t-r-a-n-s-i-t-i-o-n. He might not take it kindly.

  14. dogazagod says:

    Spirit Guide… that’s rich. New York, North Carolina, waffles…that’s double… er make that triple rich. Moltz and entity are “really” just around the corner from the office hiding in the 24 hour coffee shop—they have wifi– pulling out the brown bag with the ‘little something extra for the coffee… They could be back, but they just don’t care anymore…sob….first AtAT, then MacOsRumors, now CARS…. Web writing is “just too hard” …sniff…sniff… well at least we now get free RSS from gruber….well for a while… but where’s the smile

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    I sure hope the robots don’t get Sluggo, but they can have all the waffles they want. I never much cared for waffles.

  16. blank says:

    Whatever you do, do not stop taking the drugs! That always ends badly. Keep an eye on that Sluggo character while you’re at it, I’ve always suspected him of cannibalistic tendencies.

    After Crabb, I knew MtK would turn up sooner or later. Ask him how the naked mole rat thing is working out? Inquiring minds want to know.

  17. paulatdell says:

    drugs are bad, mmmkay?

  18. Don’t forget the maple syrup.

  19. ABC says:

    So why is Joz immune to ridicule by this site? Everyone else at Apple gets ripped to shreds, but he’s bulletproof. Is the Entity really Joz?

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    If the Entity doesn’t turn out to be hanging at the De Dutch Pannekoek House on Robson, I’ll eat my hat!

    Which is made of Belgian waffles, coincidentally. I win either way.

  21. Nxxx says:


    Easy explanation.

    Moltz is a love child.

  22. easco says:

    Ever since the robots got Appleturns.com I’ve been wondering when they might go after MacOS Rumors. It’s a shame. Somebody has GOT to stop them.

    Where is the Entity?

  23. Overclocked Lemon says:

    Sadly, it looks like MOSR is intact and still spewing ads and drivel. Thanks, CARS! Maybe it’s ad robots that took them over.

    Sigh…I remember the good old days of MOSR, when they accurately predicted the dual core G4s and DDR ram for the Mac, not to mention the Powerbook G5. In 96.

  24. blank says:

    Fake Steve Jobs is Daniel Lyons?

    Daniel fricking Lyons??!

    The robot horde appears to have struck again. Keep taking those drugs, this is only going to get weirder! Don’t forget what HST used to say at times like this: “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!”

    We need more grapefruit and vodka, stat! You, by the door, keep reloading!


  25. Ace Deuce says:

    Please don’t shoot the friendly robots wearing LiveStrong bracelets. They are the only people who still play Uno with me.

    Also don’t shoot R. Daneel Olivaw because he still owes me $6500 for that Lexus.

  26. Squished Squirrel says:

    Is there any way that the robots could be turned toward Macintouch? That site needs to die, if for no other reason than to stop me from visiting it once a month as a sort of pathetic ritual to see if there is something other than one liner update news. I’m sure the bad taste of advertising would send them back to wence they came.

  27. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Number One!

    no? uh. Sexbots!

    right. well. Ponies!

    not really, huh? Okay. Screw it.

  28. blank says:

    I’m sure there’s nothing serious our puny tech could do to the likes of R. Daneel or R. Giskard. We humans, OTOH… well, we’re fully in violation of the Zeroth Law, so anything could happen there.

    Sexbots have their own unique defenses, so I wouldn’t worry about them.

    It’s the ones Scary Gus was mumbling about that you have to look out for.

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    I’m guessing that Lyons is just taking the heat for Karlgaard. Karlgaard is the real guy but he can’t admit it. Sissy.

  30. Walking Contradiction says:

    Ace Deuce threw this out to the masses:

    Also don’t shoot R. Daneel Olivaw because he still owes me $6500 for that Lexus.

    Then, not to be outdone, blank tossed this one out:

    I’m sure there’s nothing serious our puny tech could do to the likes of R. Daneel or R. Giskard.

    This is so perfect, I’m almost finished with Robots of Dawn and seeing these references in the real world makes me wonder if I’ve finally lost my mind or not. Come to think of it … no, I’d have to know where my mind was at one time to have lost it.

    I feel the need to point out that I personally am NOT three laws safe.

  31. Daniel says:

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