Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

29 thoughts on “Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.”

  1. Crap. Do I have to be home at a certain time for my groin kick? If I’m late will it void my warranty? I work you know.

    Shit.

    Top ten.

    Bed time.

  2. Five. And that really hurt.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  3. I’m investing in male genitalia protective equipment. If I do well, I might be able to buy an iPhone.

    5th or 6th?

  4. And John, I was just SURE that today’s story would be about FSJ – I’m very disappointed!

  5. Do I have to cross the Atlantic and make an appointment to get my kick.
    If so, can I be kicked by Steve?

  6. While the “representatives” are here to deliver that kick, do you think that they would help me with a few things around the house?

    You know, just the gutters, that sort of thing?

    I have the extended AppleCare thingy…

    No iPhone though. I really dislike ATT.

    Oh yeah, twelve, or THIRTEEN?

  7. Mac users are just obnoxious whining cry-babies. Apple sends a personal representative directly to your home, no less, and now you’re complaining because they’re delivering a kick in the groin instead of free iPhone.

    Grow up, people! It’s a harsh world out there! Do you think Dell would provide this kind of service? Don’t make me laugh!

    Let’s see… I have five Macs, plus one of those Power Computing clones. The story is unclear as to whether I should expect a kick in the groin for each computer, or whether it’s one per Mac user.

    I also have a Newton. Is that eligible for a poke in the eye?

  8. re: FSJ If you ask me that guy’s a patsy. Obviously the heat was on and the real FSJ needed someone to take the fall. Lets see if Dan Lyons doesn’t wake up one morning trampled to death by ponies. Or at least in a compromising photograph with a pony. Or ponies. Probably ponies.

  9. I second Don. OF DOOM!

    I already miss FSJ. I hardly knew ye.

    (I posted my best stuff on this over at Rip Ragged’s place. I’m not him. Just a fan. Go and see. He’s funny enough to deserve more loyal readers.)

    As for kicks to the groin… Apple rep or not, I live on a ranch in Texas and we frown on violence. That’s why we have so many guns. You’ve been warned.

  10. Oooh! Streetrabbit, that’s an interesting conspiracy theory! FSJ did have a rather enigmatic post tonight about how Denton over at Valleywag is still trying to out him.

    Was the Lyons thing just to throw us off the trail? FSJ’s book is coming out soon and the disgruntled cynic in me did wonder at the original outing if it was a publicity stunt to promote the book….

    Hmmm. You’ve got me thinking. This can’t end well.

  11. At last report, Stan Sigman is still droning on at an AT&T senior staff meeting and is not likely to finish before the Apple event. He may have to iPhone it in.

  12. What’s Jony snacking on I wonder?

    Hmmmm.

    Big night in for the Streetrabbit nest tonight. Picked up “The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash” for A$9.99…which isn’t a lot of cash really. I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since I last saw ye.

  13. iCup? Guys, come on. Just buy an iPhone, and tuck it into the front of your underwear.

    Why?

    1. iPhone is indestructible. You could be kicked in the groin ten times by Dsvid Beckham, and you wouldn’t feel a thing thanks to iPhone.

    2. Unlike other mobile phones, iPhone poses no risk of infertility. iPhone’s unique patented Applepha rays actually increase sperm mobility by 46%, and any children thereby conceived will have lustrous golden hair.

    3. iPhone will give you a stiffy anyway. You know you want it down there. Do not resist.

  14. I was being unfair when I said Dell would not provide this kind of personalized service.

    Dell ships computers with Windows, which is like a kick in the groin each and every day.

    My deepest apologies to Dell.

  15. Sure. A kick to the groin every day. But does Dell send a personalized representative to make sure every customer gets the kick they deserve? I think not children.

    I miss Fake Steve more than I miss my pet gecko, and I’ve never even had a pet gecko. Damn.

  16. I searched for \’Apple Iphone Presentations\’ at google and found this your post (\’Agenda For Tomorrow’s Presentation.\’) in search results. Not very relevant result, but still interesting to read.

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