9:55 AM: Goooood morning, suckahs! Taking a break from the Entity hunt (which is turning out to be much like a snipe hunt) to bring you live coverage of the Apple event.
The things I do for you.
10:02 AM: Steve takes the stage! “Today we’re going to talk about music…”
10:04 AM: Just noticed that Apple Insider says Paul McCartney will be on BBC 1 to give a special announcement after the show.
On BBC 2 there’s cricket – Papua New Guinea vs. Bangladesh – and on BBC 3 it’s a classic episode of Fawlty Towers.
Ringo, meanwhile, is having a routine prostate exam.
10:10 AM: New version of iTunes tonight with ringtones.
Am I the only person the planet who doesn’t give a crap about ringtones? I mean, really, if the baby Jesus had wanted me to listen to Smoke On The Water when my wife calls he would have put it on my iPhone when it shipped!
10:13 AM: OK, you build your ringtones yourself from the songs you’ve downloaded and then it’s an extra 99 cents to put it on you iPhone as a ringtone.
And that’s it! Steve’s leaving the stage! Have a great day everyone! Enjoy your ringtones!
Oh, wait, no, he’s not done.
10:17 AM: Ooh, refreshing every iPod! Each and every unit will have a lemony fresh scent! The shuffle will be an actual breath mint!
10:20 AM: Fat nano! Fat nano confirmed! We have fat nano! Repeat: we have fat nano!
Oh, wait. I’m sorry. Steve says it “has a glandular problem.” I’m sorry.
Weight-challenged nano confirmed.
10:25 AM: Well, now he’s sending mixed messages because it will come in several different types: pork fat nano, chicken fat nano, beef fat nano…
And for some reason they’re all really greasy and will slide right out of your hand.
Who wants that? Am I missing something?
10:30 AM: 4 GB for $149 and 8 GB for $199. Available May 2009.
10:32 AM: Just realized he’s wearing a maroon turtleneck.
Hmm. Maroon. Maroon. Red. Apple red. Apple in Japanese is “ringo”.
OH, MY GOD, BEATLES MUSIC IS COMING TO ITUNES!
Or something. I don’t know.
10:35 AM: IPOD TOUCH! IPOD TOUCH! IDPID TODOSDCH!1!!!
DKJDI IDFLDi DOIlkd klDfoid !!!!!
Eh, I’m just kidding. I mean, we all knew it was coming to this, right?
10:40 AM: Looks like an iPhone, but without AT&T! “Fuck you, AT&T! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”
Not sure why he’s doing that. He’s now suggesting people just get an iPod touch and a cheap cell phone with the provider of their choice.
“Fucking Stan Sigman. Pff. Don’t get me started on that jackhole.”
Wow. Weird. Why so much anger? I mean, I know why we hate AT&T, but why would Steve?
10:45 AM: The iPod touch has Wifi, Safari and YouTube.
That’s nice and all, but you know what would make it really boss?
If they added a phone…
That’d be cool.
They should totally look into that.
10:50 AM: One more thing!
10:53 AM: Oh, my god, it’s the ghost of John Lennon!
Oh, no, wait…
It’s wireless downloading of songs!
10:55 AM: OK, that better get added to the iPhone or, god as my witness, I will pants Steve Jobs!
11:00 AM: Yeah, damn skippy you’ll bring it to the iPhone, Jobs!
Now, dance, monkey! Dance to the Beatles, now available on iTunes!
OK, he hasn’t gotten there yet. But has Apple Insider ever been wrong?!
I mean other than all those times they’ve been wrong.
11:05 AM: And free coffee for everyone!
Actually, I’ve been unconscious on the floor for the last five minutes so I may have missed something. I just saw Howard Shultz up there and assumed everyone would be getting free coffee.
Oh, maybe it’s streaming coffee? I don’t know.
11:15 AM: iPhone announcement?
What’s next? Tablet device? Slim notebook?
Hey, save a little for Macworld, Steve!
11:17 AM: 8 GB iPhone now $399.
Is the 4 GB discontinued? Is my 4 GB now a collector’s item?! Awesome!
11:22 AM: Steve interrupts KT Tunstall’s performance to say “And, by popular demand… iPod shuffle socklets!”
Say it with me!
Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!
11:25 AM: That’s it. No Beatles.
You know, Steve is just punking us now. Just because he can.
Guess Sir Paul’s going on BBC 1 to announce that Ringo’s prostate is A-O-K.