05 Sep 07Live. Live! LIVE! LIIIIIIIVE! Coverage.

9:55 AM: Goooood morning, suckahs! Taking a break from the Entity hunt (which is turning out to be much like a snipe hunt) to bring you live coverage of the Apple event.

The things I do for you.

10:02 AM: Steve takes the stage! “Today we’re going to talk about music…”

No.

Way.

Yes, way!

10:04 AM: Just noticed that Apple Insider says Paul McCartney will be on BBC 1 to give a special announcement after the show.

On BBC 2 there’s cricket – Papua New Guinea vs. Bangladesh – and on BBC 3 it’s a classic episode of Fawlty Towers.

Ringo, meanwhile, is having a routine prostate exam.

10:10 AM: New version of iTunes tonight with ringtones.

Am I the only person the planet who doesn’t give a crap about ringtones? I mean, really, if the baby Jesus had wanted me to listen to Smoke On The Water when my wife calls he would have put it on my iPhone when it shipped!

10:13 AM: OK, you build your ringtones yourself from the songs you’ve downloaded and then it’s an extra 99 cents to put it on you iPhone as a ringtone.

And that’s it! Steve’s leaving the stage! Have a great day everyone! Enjoy your ringtones!

Oh, wait, no, he’s not done.

Sorry.

My bad.

10:17 AM: Ooh, refreshing every iPod! Each and every unit will have a lemony fresh scent! The shuffle will be an actual breath mint!

10:20 AM: Fat nano! Fat nano confirmed! We have fat nano! Repeat: we have fat nano!

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. Steve says it “has a glandular problem.” I’m sorry.

Weight-challenged nano confirmed.

10:25 AM: Well, now he’s sending mixed messages because it will come in several different types: pork fat nano, chicken fat nano, beef fat nano…

And for some reason they’re all really greasy and will slide right out of your hand.

Who wants that? Am I missing something?

10:30 AM: 4 GB for $149 and 8 GB for $199. Available May 2009.

What?

10:32 AM: Just realized he’s wearing a maroon turtleneck.

Hmm. Maroon. Maroon. Red. Apple red. Apple in Japanese is “ringo”.

OH, MY GOD, BEATLES MUSIC IS COMING TO ITUNES!

Or something. I don’t know.

10:35 AM: IPOD TOUCH! IPOD TOUCH! IDPID TODOSDCH!1!!!

DKJDI IDFLDi DOIlkd klDfoid !!!!!

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

OMFG! OMFG!

Eh, I’m just kidding. I mean, we all knew it was coming to this, right?

10:40 AM: Looks like an iPhone, but without AT&T! “Fuck you, AT&T! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

Not sure why he’s doing that. He’s now suggesting people just get an iPod touch and a cheap cell phone with the provider of their choice.

“Fucking Stan Sigman. Pff. Don’t get me started on that jackhole.”

Wow. Weird. Why so much anger? I mean, I know why we hate AT&T, but why would Steve?

10:45 AM: The iPod touch has Wifi, Safari and YouTube.

Hmm.

That’s nice and all, but you know what would make it really boss?

If they added a phone

That’d be cool.

They should totally look into that.

10:50 AM: One more thing!

10:53 AM: Oh, my god, it’s the ghost of John Lennon!

Oh, no, wait…

It’s wireless downloading of songs!

10:55 AM: OK, that better get added to the iPhone or, god as my witness, I will pants Steve Jobs!

11:00 AM: Yeah, damn skippy you’ll bring it to the iPhone, Jobs!

Now, dance, monkey! Dance to the Beatles, now available on iTunes!

OK, he hasn’t gotten there yet. But has Apple Insider ever been wrong?!

I mean other than all those times they’ve been wrong.

11:05 AM: And free coffee for everyone!

Actually, I’ve been unconscious on the floor for the last five minutes so I may have missed something. I just saw Howard Shultz up there and assumed everyone would be getting free coffee.

Oh, maybe it’s streaming coffee? I don’t know.

11:15 AM: iPhone announcement?

What’s next? Tablet device? Slim notebook?

Sex.

Bots?

Hey, save a little for Macworld, Steve!

11:17 AM: 8 GB iPhone now $399.

Is the 4 GB discontinued? Is my 4 GB now a collector’s item?! Awesome!

Well…

Er…

Sort of.

11:22 AM: Steve interrupts KT Tunstall’s performance to say “And, by popular demand… iPod shuffle socklets!”

Say it with me!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

11:25 AM: That’s it. No Beatles.

You know, Steve is just punking us now. Just because he can.

Guess Sir Paul’s going on BBC 1 to announce that Ringo’s prostate is A-O-K.

36 Responses to “Live. Live! LIVE! LIIIIIIIVE! Coverage.”

  1. Reality Distortion Field? WHAT Reality Distorion Field? says:

    Woo Hoo!! Top 10!

    oh, and second

  2. Nxxx says:

    You’re a brick, John.

    Oops! Did I spell that right?

  3. digitalcowboy says:

    A prostate exam?!?!

    Seriously?

    I hope it goes well. Ringo’s my favorite of those overrated, no-talent ass-clowns.

  4. digitalcowboy says:

    OK. I lied.

    Lennon’s my favorite by virtue of having the decency to stop annoying us earlier than the rest.

    The only good thing they ever did was choosing a name well. So we could immediately make the connection – their music == insect pest.

  5. Gary says:

    Very funny.

  6. Sue says:

    Me want new iPod.

  7. rebelpeasant says:

    Will these new pods finally have iSnow Cone maker attachments we have been dreaming of?

  8. kingthedestroyer says:

    9:57 am post????? for the 09/05/07 apple event that starts at 10:00 am, sounds like the entity is back!!!

  9. Ahnyer Keester says:

    That’s nice and all, but you know what would make it really boss?

    If they added a phone…

    That would be totally boss!! You should work for them. Really. They don’t know what they’re missing by not employing you. There.

    Good coverage.

  10. digitalcowboy says:

    Moltz is DUMB!

    Nobody wants a phone on their music player!

    ROFLMAOBBQQWERTY

  11. Ahnyer Keester says:

    One more thing…

    Let it be iPod Touch socks..

  12. Ahnyer Keester says:

    What! WiFi iTunes? What a stupid idea. The Zune can’t do that so why should the iPod? I wanted sock! SOCKS!!!

    S
    O
    C
    K
    S

  13. digitalcowboy says:

    Yeah, show me your Zune socks, whiner!

  14. digitalcowboy says:

    Thank Darwin, MacWorld is reporting that the WiFi iTunes store is coming to the iPhone.

    No pantsless Jobs or jailed Moltz.

  15. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Zune socks? Psssshsssht. I’m wearing them now. There are holes in the “toe” for the ear phones and they white…or use to be white.

  16. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Was that “streaming coffee” or “steaming coffee”? Or “steaming pile?”

    Howard!

    MacGruder! Get up there with a plastic bag.

    Damned dog.

  17. digitalcowboy says:

    I’m disappointed. Nay, deflated.

    This thing’s almost over and CARS provided no whiskey much less sexy. It was all just technology and humor.

  18. digitalcowboy says:

    Thanks John!

    (Somebody’s reading the comments and responding to the fans.)

  19. redeyebase says:

    everything predicted comes true … right?

  20. blank says:

    Thanks Steve, what did I ever do to you? Instead of one iPod with the interface I want and a ton of capacity, I have to choose between the interface or the ton of capacity?

    Thanks a fucking lot.

    C’mere, let me show you what I invented. It involves an original 10 GB iPod and a gym sock…

  21. rebelpeasant says:

    *sniffle* No snow cones? damn.

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    SHUFFLE SOCKS?!?!

    No. I’m fine. I’m just going to assume the best. Steve couldn’t hear me because he was lusting after KT’s hotness. Which, in my opinion, she ain’t got. She’s no Jennifer Fricking Connelly if you know what I mean.

    But. She does rock and so maybe the music was too loud.

  23. His Steveness says:

    No Pony-Pods? This sucks…

  24. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm… Everybody talking about pants……

  25. pauldwaite says:

    > on BBC 3 it’s a classic episode of Fawlty Towers

    Redundant. All episodes of Fawlty Towers are classic.

  26. Tom says:

    Sexbot fat nano

    Sexbot Classic

    Sexbot Touch

    Sexbot Shuffle?!

    Maybe this new nomenclature won’t work across the apple range…

  27. Del says:

    Why does my nano taste like bacon?

  28. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m so with blank @21 on this. I went to bed last night dreaming of the 160GB iPod Touch I was going to be intimate with. It was all that was stopping me paying A$2000 for an unlocked iPhone from eBay! Somebody shoot me before that happens!

    Then Moltz goes teasing me about PNG vs Bangladesh on BBC2, which I don’t get here. It’d better be on the freakin’ World Service or so help me…

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    All rumors come true in the fullness of time.

    Sorry I missed the party–maybe next time…

  30. Carbonfish says:

    O.K., I get it John. You’re just tired of seeing the same old commenter’s night after lonely night, and have to mix it up a bit by making these early morning posts.

    Well really. I mean, it’s okay with me if somebody else is number NINE for a change. I can rise above a little disappointment…

    *sniff*

  31. I heard that Paul McCartny wanted to come in and sing a song from his new album in honor of the new higher capacity of iPod Clasics. The album, of course, is titled “Memory Almost Full.”

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    Ha! By the time the iPhone gets to Australia it’s gonna be $0 upfront on a 12 month contract. And 3G.

    Thanks for ironing out the creases for us rest of the World.

    Fools!

  33. Rip Ragged says:

    Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine. Number nine.

    Paul who?

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