CEO Steve Jobs regretfully announced today that he was forced to have Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak put down this afternoon.
At a brief press conference on the Apple campus, Jobs was uncharacteristically somber.
You could tell because he was wearing a black mock turtleneck.
“It had become painfully clear that Woz was a liability for this company and its investors,” Jobs said, clearly referring to comments Woz recently made claiming that Apple probably dropped the iPhone price because it had too much inventory.
“It pained me to do it, but there was really no other option. We had let an untenable situation go on long enough.
“Plus, he was starting to smell funny.”
Jobs went on to say that he consulted with other Apple executives and alumni and they all agreed that it would best if people didn’t have to see Woz this way.
Or, really, any way anymore.
“He was like a Rob Enderle savant,” said Andy Hertzfeld.
“Pretty much everything he said about the company in the past 10 years was wrong. And since Jobs actually negotiated for a controlling interest in Woz back in the late 1970s, it was his right to have him put down any time he wanted.
“And what the hell was that smell, anyhow? It was like used floss. You ever smell used floss? Holy crap, what a horrid stench.”
Apple said that in lieu of flowers, people should just buy an iPhone.
“That’s what Woz would have wanted,” Jobs said, wiping an imaginary tear from is eye.