In a disturbing incident that has shocked the Apple campus, the reanimated corpse of Steve Wozniak – who was put down just yesterday – attacked vice president of worldwide iPod product marketing Greg Joswiak and consumed his brain.
Strangely, Joswiak was listed as “in stable condition” at El Camino Hospital.
Dr. Peter Nesbitt said “Anyone who’s watched Star Trek knows that the human body can live without a brain for up to 24 hours.
“Granted, in this case the brain hasn’t been stolen to be used as a computer by aliens, it’s been consumed by a flesh-eating zombie. Still, it’s possible we could find a suitable replacement brain. Say, that of senior director iPod product marketing Stan Ng.”
Nesbitt wasn’t exactly sure what to replace Ng’s brain with.
“Uh, I was sort of just thinking that we’d work our way down. I don’t know who’s below Stan. Maybe someone could forward me an org chart.”
Nesbitt said the last person gets the evil goat’s brain.
It’s still unknown exactly who reanimated Woz and why zombie Woz sought out the brain of Joswiak. As As The Apple Turns reported years ago, Joswiak is the result of gene splicing between Woz and Jobs, leading to two possible conclusions. Either zombie Woz was seeking to restore decayed parts of his own brain with fresh Woz brain matter or he was trying to exact revenge on Jobs’ brain matter.
Exacting revenge on Jobs himself is problematic as he is guarded 24/7 by an elite team of lesbian ninja sexbots.
Chief suspects in the reanimation are Dell CEO Michael Dell, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and Haitian voodoo priest Jean-Paul Rauchamp.
Apple declined to comment other than to scream “OH, MY GOD! HE ATE HIS BRAIN! DID YOU SEE THAT?! OH, MY GOD!”
On the plus side, sources who witnessed the attack say Woz now actually smells better than when he was alive.