12 Sep 07Zombie Woz Eats Joswiak's Brain.

In a disturbing incident that has shocked the Apple campus, the reanimated corpse of Steve Wozniak – who was put down just yesterday – attacked vice president of worldwide iPod product marketing Greg Joswiak and consumed his brain.

Strangely, Joswiak was listed as “in stable condition” at El Camino Hospital.

Dr. Peter Nesbitt said “Anyone who’s watched Star Trek knows that the human body can live without a brain for up to 24 hours.

“Granted, in this case the brain hasn’t been stolen to be used as a computer by aliens, it’s been consumed by a flesh-eating zombie. Still, it’s possible we could find a suitable replacement brain. Say, that of senior director iPod product marketing Stan Ng.”

Nesbitt wasn’t exactly sure what to replace Ng’s brain with.

“Uh, I was sort of just thinking that we’d work our way down. I don’t know who’s below Stan. Maybe someone could forward me an org chart.”

Nesbitt said the last person gets the evil goat’s brain.

It’s still unknown exactly who reanimated Woz and why zombie Woz sought out the brain of Joswiak. As As The Apple Turns reported years ago, Joswiak is the result of gene splicing between Woz and Jobs, leading to two possible conclusions. Either zombie Woz was seeking to restore decayed parts of his own brain with fresh Woz brain matter or he was trying to exact revenge on Jobs’ brain matter.

Exacting revenge on Jobs himself is problematic as he is guarded 24/7 by an elite team of lesbian ninja sexbots.

Chief suspects in the reanimation are Dell CEO Michael Dell, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and Haitian voodoo priest Jean-Paul Rauchamp.

Apple declined to comment other than to scream “OH, MY GOD! HE ATE HIS BRAIN! DID YOU SEE THAT?! OH, MY GOD!”

On the plus side, sources who witnessed the attack say Woz now actually smells better than when he was alive.

28 Responses to “Zombie Woz Eats Joswiak's Brain.”

  1. if I only had a name says:

    SECOND! AND I READ IT!

  2. Kitsune says:

    What do we want? Brains!
    When do we want it? Brains!

  3. Huck says:

    *nod* those lesbian ninja sexbots are a force to be reckoned with.

    Just be glad they’re not midgets too.

  4. Nxxx says:

    Eating brains?
    Well I’m safe.

  5. John Moltz says:

    Mmm…

    I love kitsune udon.

  6. Carbonfish says:

    BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNSS!!

    That is all. You may now return to your regularly scheculed programming.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Is this the first official confirmation of lesbian ninja sexbots? Is the beta testing over? Because I’m not sure I want to be an early adopter this time.

    On the subject of brains, I thought it was in poor taste for Planet Hollywood to show slices of Ray Liotta’s brain from that Hannibal Lecter movie as part of its memorabilia collection. Because it’s a restaurant, for Jeebus sake!

  8. Don of Doom says:

    I’ve read the article, gone over to the Macalope, for a while, and I still get top 10! Where is everyone??

  9. John Moltz says:

    Probably held up in traffic.

  10. ryan says:

    ummm… yeah… ATAT stopped broadcasting 2 years ago, but their predictions from last year are startling accurate 😉

    what the hell happened to as the apple turns anyways?!?!?!

  11. Huh? says:

    So what exactly DO brains taste like?
    Chicken?

    Inquiring Pants™ want to know.

    Me? I’m sort of indifferent about the whole affair.

  12. redeyebase says:

    Oh my! oh my! Brains? Affair? Who did it?

  13. redeyebase says:

    Well, I was backing up a failing/failed hard drive and reinstallng OS X, etc, etc.

  14. leblase says:

    Writing from France, with time lag, brain lag and all, I’m late.
    I only suggest to spread garlic around cuppertino.
    Works with vampires, might do the trick with wozbies?

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Wait…Woz was a leg man. How can zombie Woz be a brain man?

  16. TuCats says:

    “Woz was a leg man. How can zomebie Woz be a brain man?”

    Easy 2nd year medical school question! Failure of the limbic system is one of the three most common side-effects of becoming a flesh eating zombie. Hence the loss of interest in, well, limbs.

    The other two involve bad complexion and an uncontrollable urge for sponge-cake. Hence the craving for marketing brains, I assume.

  17. blank says:

    I just have to step up here right now and point out that after such a long and distinguished career, the evil goat deserves better.

  18. Steve G. says:

    Two things:

    1. Shouldn’t it be that Jobs is “guarded” 😉 by the lesbian ninja sexbots?

    2. If all this is happening now, what horrible disaster will befall us around Halloween?

  19. kingthedestroyer says:

    It’s all Steve’s doing, putting Woz down was part of his plans to test the bio software for the iZombie, but as all evil experiments, something went terribly wrong, it was not Joswiaks’ brain that was supposed to be eaten it was… wait whats that sound… who’s at my door… coming through my door…(glass shatters as I leap out of the window (or is it vista) as iZombie Woz comes through the door) I guess that’s what I get for not buying an iPhone.

  20. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Oh come on people, like you didn’t see this coming!?! Woz dead? Pssshhhhhh. Right. Wake up and smell the corpses.

  21. Ahnyer Keester says:

    TuCats, thank you! Now I understand the limbic system! I always thought it had something to do with appreciating poetry.

  22. StArViNg ZoMbiE says:

    BrAiNzZz!!! SoZz HuNgRiEz!!! FeEdZ Me!! AnDz OoOoOoOzzz LeZbiAn NiNjA SeXz BoTz ToOoOoOzz!!!

    WhAt MoRe CoULdz A ZoMbiE AsKz FoRz? BrAiNz AnDz SeX BoTz!!

  23. Brother Mugga says:

    But . . . but *I’m* the last person on the org chart.

    Oh.

  24. scared monster, better known as Master Zombie, says:

    Of course, we Zombie smell better.
    And
    we do it better, too.

    Talking about garlic,
    I agree : brains are better with garlic, and if you could spread some olive oil, and limon juice. Some bacon, too.

  25. colin says:

    I heard it was actually Ugluk that ate Joswiak’s brain.

  26. […] And don’t say we didn’t warn you, my nasty hoes. No, since day one (literally!) we’ve been the only Apple site to give you the straight poop on this so-called “Woz” and how he’s a threat to the youth of America. And a brain-sucking zombie. […]

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