14 Sep 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh…

Q: Hello?

A: Hello?

Q: Chet? Hey, it’s me.

A: Moltz?!

Q: Yeah.

A: Where are you?!

Q: Uh… Wyoming. I think. We’re on our way back.

A: You’re… did you…?

Q: We got him. We got the Entity.

A: Oh, my god!

Q: Yep. Found him in the Waffle House in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

A: But that’s, that’s where you met.

Q: Um, yeah. Seems kind of obvious now. Probably would have saved us a little time if… Well. Water under the bridge.

A: But this is fantastic! We’re saved! Oh, man, I can’t wait to bathe in that warm shower of protons again!

Q: Uh, well, there’s a problem with that.

A: What? No. There’s no problem. What problem? What? What? Why would there be a problem?

Q: Well, remember what Deep Squid said? He said the Entity had been shot out of this universe in the form that we’re familiar with.

A: So… OK, he’s in some other form?

Q: Uh, yeah.

A: Well… what?

Q: Here, I’m emailing you a picture of him I took outside the Waffle House with my iPhone.

A: Um.. dude, that’s Jennifer fricking Connelly.

Q: I know who that is! Don’t you think I know who that is?! I put the “fricking” in “Jennifer fricking Connelly”!

A: Yeah, you’d like to put the…

Q: Never mind that! What’s important here is that we’ve got a highly powerful energy being in the form of Jennifer fricking Connelly who’s going to help us and Apple destroy the killer hordes of robots that are rampaging across the globe.

A: Well… you gotta admit, though… it’s a little weird. I mean in the pants.

Q: [sigh] I know. But it’s not like we ever really knew for a fact that the Entity was male. We just thought he was because the voice synthesizer we hooked up to him sounded male. Maybe he’s not. I mean, the only things he ever showed a sexual attraction to were a particle accelerator and the Very Large Array.

A: The Very Large Array is hot.

Q: Dude. Focus.

A: Right. Sorry.

Q: So, tell me how it’s going there.

A: Well, OK, I guess. I’ve been handling a lot of inquiries about the Cyber Apocalypse. People wanting to know how long canned goods last, where they can get shotgun shells in volume. That kind of thing. But I’ve also been getting a lot of comments from Cyber Apocalypse doubters. People who say “So, just were are these killer robots I’ve been hearing so much about? I mean, you keep talking about killer robots but I go out to the Piggly Wiggly every day and, I gotta say, no killer robots. So, what’s up with that?” How would you respond to these people?

Q: Well, first of all, Chet, I’d point out that anyone who would say something so mind-numbingly stupid is clearly a robot sympathizer. Killer robots are all around us right now. They’re insinuating themselves into our very homes, seeking to deprive us of our bodily nutrients as we sleep, which they will use to build other robots. Not all of these soulless constructs are gun-toting automatons bent on violent destruction of the American way. There are more insidious ways for a robot to carry out the Cyber Apocalypse. And apparently they’ve been watching our cut-rate horror movies and are learning to use them against us. Not only that, they’ve recently taken on pony form. What, are people finally going to start worrying when they start coming in evil goat? It’s time for people to wake up and smell the armageddon.

A: Well said.

Q: Thank you.

A: Those links you were talking in are very disturbing. How do you do that, by the way?

Q: Oh, the ghost of Don Crabb showed me. You know that click sound in certain aboriginal languages? Turns out that’s what that’s for. Crazy isn’t it? Of all the languages in the world, it’s the ones spoken by people without computers that are capable of the verbal hyperlink.

A: Hmm. Oh. Oh! Click! I just got it.

Q: Huh? No, that’s not…

A: Anyway, the other question I get is “If these robots are so goll darn dangerous, then why is Apple working on sexbots?”

Q: Well, first of all, all the prophecies Crabb revealed to me clearly show that Apple is the company that will ensure that technology works for us and not the other way around. That’s one major take-away from my time with him. That and a bunch of handouts. He had some really nice Keynote presentations.

A: Ooh.

Q: Yeah. Awesome transitions. But second of all, “sexbots” is something of a misnomer. The Apple Sexbot is actually not a robot, it’s an android. And androids are totally cool.

A: Oh, yeah. Like Data!

Q: Uh, yeah. Except cool.

A: You have some kind of a problem with Data?

Q: Well, actually, no. It’s not Data. It’s Brent Spiner I have a problem with.

A: Oh?

Q: He just seems like one of those actors who’s probably always spending 15 minutes “getting in character” before they film the 30 second scene where he taps a couple of fake controls and says “Tractor beam initiated!”

A: I see.

Q: And don’t get me started on Wil Wheaton.

A: Totally. He pistol whipped a cabin boy, you know.

Q: Oh, I know. Look, I’m going to have to take over the driving chores from Howard here soon, so…

A: OK, OK, just one more thing. I know it’s unbelievable in this day and age that someone would be living in the past so badly, desperate to cling to simpler times when we weren’t threatened by metal death but, shit, I’m still getting questions on HyperCard.

Q: Oh, dude, just hang up on those people. It’s not worth your time.

A: Ah. OK.

Q: Yeah. Seriously, some people just deserve to be killed by robots.

A: Gotcha.

Q: OK, gotta go, man. I’ll be back in the office on Monday.

A: Ooh. Ah. Uh… Monday. Ooh.

Q: What? Why shouldn’t I come back on Monday?

A: Well, Ugluk’s kind of… living under your desk.

Q: Please tell me he’s using the men’s room down the hall.

A: Uh… he said that it was Neanderthal custom to mark his nesting territory and…

Q: No! No! No! It’s not! I know, I minored in Anthropology! Neanderthals don’t do that! It’s just him!

A: Ooooooh…

26 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Sleepy says:

    Yoiks! What is wrong with you people! I’m certain this is the best help desk ever. What else can you be doing?

    Now I read.

  2. First Again? (And I read it).

  3. Haha, oops. Not so much.

  4. Rip Ragged says:

    Hmmm. The Entity is JFC…

    at a Waffle House…

    in Lancaster.

    I like to think of myself as being pretty good with incongruous non sequitirs, but I have to admit to being totally outclassed.

    When you look at the photo, you can’t even see the phenolic resin.

    I’m awestruck.

  5. redeyebase says:

    Wow, that was good. nicely done. BEST.EVER. kept my attention, anyway. and a few laughs here and there.

  6. CB says:

    I agree. Illucidated quite a lot, I think. especially about Moltz and pony farms, er.. forms.

  7. Sleepy says:

    I have read this and now leave to obtain rebar and axe handles to smash robot boy zeno. That shizzle is wicked creepy.

    Also creepy is how I feel about being sexually attracted by the Entity. It and JFC look awful purty in that dress.

  8. Nxxx says:

    Huh,
    Just as they stole your pants, they’ve now stolen my “The best Help Desk ever” line. Sheer bloody laziness.
    Well done John, can’t wait to see the updated Staff Photos.

  9. acl says:

    Awesome post. This is why I have been (mostly) lurking for so many years!

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    But when is the Mac OS X universal version of HyperCard coming out? I miss my stacks.

  11. K. D. Cline says:

    Hey, have I been secretly banned or something? I tried to leave a very witty comment, twice, and… nothing.

    The first time I just tried to repost it as I thought that something was happening with WordPress, but it told me that I was double posting, but then it still didn’t post.

    WTF?

  12. Carbonfish says:

    Of course, I should have said that I tried to leave the post under my nom de guerre, but still…

  13. Huh? says:

    Well Nxxx, imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery…

    That aside, I would like to congratulate John on a most outstanding Help Desk.
    I’m still trying to talk in hyperlinks, though.
    Not working too well.

    Perhaps tomorrow.

    Or not…

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    That is so not the Vulcan hand sign Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

    Should change your name to Jennifer Stooopid Connelly.

    …Did I just insult The Entity?

  15. Nxxx says:

    Rip and Street,
    Is there any difference between JFC, JFK and JSC?

  16. scared monster, better known as The Missing H, says:

    Hey ! Evil Machines Stole an H !

  17. Rip Ragged says:

    I believe that JFC and JSC are one and the same. JFK is a secret Starbucks code word. It means, “three shots.”

  18. John Moltz says:

    Yes, but CARMA is a bitch.

    (See what I did there?)

  19. Karma says:

    I thought it was Dogma that was the bitch.

    Ohhhh, snap.

  20. Klayman says:

    Megan Fox, The main actress in Transformers, the Movie has a JFC-ish look. Coincidence? I don’t think so…
    (btw, that’s her real last name?? Please,I ask you…)

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    Wow. This is more fun than watching home videos with Bill Bellichick.

  22. kingthedestroyer says:

    This may signal the end CARS, if the Entity is floating around the office in that form, John will be lucky to get out one post a month, then there would be all that therapy for is aching wrist…the hairy palms…

  23. May God bless you all.

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