19 Sep 07Apple Resolves iTunes Pricing Issues.

In late-breaking news tonight, Apple has resolved iTunes Store pricing issues in a move that returns NBC’s shows to the store as well as satisfying the concerns of the European Commission.

According to sources, Apple will initiate random pricing on the iTunes Store starting tomorrow. The prices will range from free to $5 and will be assigned using a complex algorithm at the time a song or movie is added to the store.

“We’re very satisfied with this solution,” said Cory Shields, Executive Vice President of Communications at NBC Universal. “Sure we never know what we’re going to get, but what’s important to us is confusing and annoying the customer. At NBC, that’s job number 1.”

Shields backed up his statement by noting that Heroes, one of the network’s most popular shows, would be moved to a 1 PM time slot this fall in an attempt to increase NBC’s share of the coveted vampire market.

“We looked at the demographics,” Shields said, “and the vampire group was highly under-represented. This is clearly because vampires stay home during the day when the sun is hot. By airing Heroes when vampires are home, we’ll completely lock up that market.

“Of course they could be under-represented because they don’t exist. Well, uh, I guess we’ll find out. But the important thing is that our existing viewers will be confused and annoyed.”

For its part, the European Commission was also pleased.

“Our regulations simply state that you can’t fix prices,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “We don’t care what you do with them, you can have a monkey assign them for all I care, but just don’t fix them.”

What both NBC and the European Commission don’t realize, however, is that Apple’s distribution algorithm is designed such that the pricing averages out to exactly the same as the current pricing. Customers can expect that they won’t see any difference in their iTunes charges.

“Don’t tell them, though,” said Eddy Cue, head of the iTunes division. “It’ll just be between us.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters assured Cue that the information would not be widely disseminated.

28 Responses to “Apple Resolves iTunes Pricing Issues.”

  1. Don of Doom says:

    First – at last!!!

  2. Don of Doom says:

    You are a little bit early tonight John. What’s going on?

  3. Me says:

    i swear Moltz be Kevin Smith.

  4. Matt says:

    or val kilmer

  5. John Moltz says:

    I’m out at a bar. Gotta stop at the grocery and get some dishwasher detergent on the way home. We’re all out.

    Really.

  6. Streetrabbit says:

    Make sure you shop around for that detergent.

  7. Woohoo! Eight is great.

  8. Ash says:

    Dishwasher detergent, hmm? This wouldn’t happen to be on account of the new “Jennifer fricking Connelly” Entity holding you to a higher standard of cleanliness than the old, noseless Entity did, would it?

    Better get some laundry detergent too, some deodorant wouldn’t hurt either.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    The problem with this solution (me mateys) is that eventually word will get out on which cuts were assigned the lower prices and iTunes users will cherry-pick the store for for the bargains even if they hate the particular songs. Because music wants to be free, like radicals, or kittens in a box at the park. (Aaarrrr…)

  10. Anonymous says:

    If they are going to encourage vampires to stay at home at night, Does that relieve Buffy for other duties?

  11. Jansperus says:

    Yes, it does, if by duties, you mean sexual duties. But seriously, who wants to have sex in the afternoon? That’s when the blogs have their juiciest Apple news!

  12. nonlinearG says:

    I’ll never click again.

    I was one of the 9. I feel so “used.”

    Would you believe stupid.

  13. Think Analog says:

    Don’t worry, there were thousands who were one of the 9.

  14. Doc Wolfram says:

    I like 7 of 9.

    Everybody is slow today; I made top twenty!

  15. Lurker says:

    Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

  16. Not Reality says:

    http://my.earthlink.net/article/str?guid=20070918/46ef4d40_3ca6_15526200709181470977018

    So, John, did you ‘ride the SLUT’?

    Though my kid’s in-laws insist that Tacomans are not allowed in Seattle. I know when we went to the wedding last summer, we had to go throught eight or ten roadblocks just because we stayed at the Red Lion Tacoma. Sheesh!

  17. Best. Post. In a long time.

    I’m ready to start stalking you again, Moltz. In fact, if you this keep up, I may even have to get that two-way mirror I’ve been eyeing.

  18. Nxxx says:

    John,
    I feel badly let down, absolutely no pirate talk. Still I suppose you are getting on a bit and coping with a parrot and a walking frame at the same time, probably is difficult.

  19. kingthedestroyer says:

    I think it would be better if the price of each item in the iTunes store changed randomly each hour. Would generate a lot more traffic.

  20. Steve G. says:

    Don’t vampires have DVRs? Or even (gasp) VCRs? Why aren’t they technologically sophisticated? Is there a separate Neilsen breakout for the vampire segment?

    Where’s the data, John?

    Oh, and #21. Legal!

  21. TuCats says:

    I wracked my brain for a witty comment, but – failing that completely – I will now resort to a nitpick.

    Did you really mean “1 PM time slot”? Most of the undead I know are deep asleep, dreaming of J(F)C this soon after midday. Perhaps you mean the vampires recieving the programming via satellite from New Zealand? Or did you perhaps mean “1 AM time slot”?

  22. TuCats says:

    Dear TuCats…

    You are a dipwad. Yes, he meant 1pm. That’s when the vampires are home, you moron. Read the article again before posting, next time. Dork.

    Sincerely,

    TuCats

  23. NYC Skip says:

    Can I just suggest:

    More pictures of Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly!

  24. CB says:

    watching the wallabies and magpies, i see that pricing has nothing to do with anything. it’s all in the batter.

  25. Jess says:

    Excellent story đŸ™‚

  26. Walking Contradiction says:

    I have to wonder at what commercials they’ll have to interrupt to show Hero’s to the vampire crowd. Sun block? Those back yard awnings? Commercials about giving blood?

    Anyone who’s ever seen anything on NBC knows what those letters really stand for – Nothing But Commercials. But even that is a lie, because they are always interrupting the 10 minutes of commercial coverage for 2 minutes of show time before going back to 10 minutes of commercials.

    I hate NBC and all who are stupid enough to watch it.

  27. Considering how NBC Universal has been acting, this story could almost be perceived as TRUE! One has to wonder how it is that they just cannot (or do not want to) “get it”.

    Oh, the horror. Starting immediately, I demand peak Crazy Apple Rumors output! This transgression must be rectified!

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