In late-breaking news tonight, Apple has resolved iTunes Store pricing issues in a move that returns NBC’s shows to the store as well as satisfying the concerns of the European Commission.
According to sources, Apple will initiate random pricing on the iTunes Store starting tomorrow. The prices will range from free to $5 and will be assigned using a complex algorithm at the time a song or movie is added to the store.
“We’re very satisfied with this solution,” said Cory Shields, Executive Vice President of Communications at NBC Universal. “Sure we never know what we’re going to get, but what’s important to us is confusing and annoying the customer. At NBC, that’s job number 1.”
Shields backed up his statement by noting that Heroes, one of the network’s most popular shows, would be moved to a 1 PM time slot this fall in an attempt to increase NBC’s share of the coveted vampire market.
“We looked at the demographics,” Shields said, “and the vampire group was highly under-represented. This is clearly because vampires stay home during the day when the sun is hot. By airing Heroes when vampires are home, we’ll completely lock up that market.
“Of course they could be under-represented because they don’t exist. Well, uh, I guess we’ll find out. But the important thing is that our existing viewers will be confused and annoyed.”
For its part, the European Commission was also pleased.
“Our regulations simply state that you can’t fix prices,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “We don’t care what you do with them, you can have a monkey assign them for all I care, but just don’t fix them.”
What both NBC and the European Commission don’t realize, however, is that Apple’s distribution algorithm is designed such that the pricing averages out to exactly the same as the current pricing. Customers can expect that they won’t see any difference in their iTunes charges.
“Don’t tell them, though,” said Eddy Cue, head of the iTunes division. “It’ll just be between us.”
Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters assured Cue that the information would not be widely disseminated.