04 Oct 07Apple Sued Again.

Apple was sued today by a monkey riding a unicycle. The suit asks for damages related to “restraint of monkey business”.

Apple declined to comment. The monkey hooted incessantly while flinging its own poo and then retired its cage to smoke a cigarette.

41 Responses to “Apple Sued Again.”

  1. hot crackers! says:

    Best post ever!

  2. hot crackers! says:

    and first too?!

  3. Nxxx says:

    Which cigarette company is the monkey working for?

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Shortest article ever? Someone’s been using the “Summarize” command.

  5. ergo says:

    Monkeys fling poo.
    Moltz slings this post.

    Darwinian proof?

    six

  6. CB says:

    ho ho top x again. wow. sosumi.

  7. ergo says:

    Actually, reflecting on this, the worst and shortest post ever, made me realize two things (OK, three… no five… no really just three)

    1) Comedy is hard.
    2) Moltzy is an uncharacteristic source of consistent humor. Night after night, he makes me chuckle as I go to bed. The quality of his regular rhetoric is such that when he does fire a dud, such as tonight’s monkey flung turd, it is the exception rather than the norm. You the man, Moltz! Not tonight, you’re more of an asexual platyhelmenthes, but for the most part your great!

    Which suddlenly led to my next conclusion

    3) Moltz is responsible for the disappearance of Jack Miller! Think about it. Comedy is hard work, Miller repeatedly alluded to having a real job, and here’s Moltz writing better stuff on an off night than Miller could come up with hopped up on Arrakis spice. I mean no disrespect to the late and unaccounted for Miller, I appreciated his work, but Moltz has a gift for blindsiding wit that makes him one of the funniest people alive. (Do I win the free t-shirt yet?) So Miller realized he could not compete in the arena of farcical ideas and decided to concentrate on his day job.

    Either that or Moltz had Thor rub him out. (I did notice a similarity to Brock Sampson)

  8. lawsuit no 12 says:

    Apple sue monkey for smoking cigarette (and not offering one to anyone else)

  9. Huh? says:

    Pooooooooooooo……

    That’s all I have to say about that.

  10. harriet says:

    Is it just me or is John’s heart not really in it anymore?

  11. Seano says:

    This law-suit is all CARS fault i mean with the book that they published “taking control of suing apple for dummies the missing manual” being released yesterday… it must be easier than getting geico so easy a monkey can do it and we all know that cavemen are smarter than monkeys.

  12. Ahnyer Keester says:

    No, wait. You mean that ALL of the lawsuits so far weren’t filed by poo-flinging monkeys?

    Are you sure? Cause I could have sworn they were.

  13. The Incredible Mr says:

    No, they weren’t. Some of them were filed by dicks.

  14. TuCats says:

    One has to wonder. An unusually short post, charged with hidden angst and ennui. Is this story of an insane monkey who flings poo and then goes to sulk over a cigarette really a metaphor of some kind?

    Are things not going well with Jennifer (Frickin’) Connelly?

    And what is the unicycle meant to symbolize? At least, I hope it’s a symbol and not meant literally…

    [XVII]

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    Ergo (aka ogre) ( and that’s a palindrome), I don’t believe sycophants like you are eligible for t-shirts. Rather, t-shirts are issued on the quality and frequency of one’s commenting, which is why I haven”t won one either.

  16. Nxxx says:

    Wasn’t a unicycle one of the motifs of The Prisoner?
    No. Wasn’t it was an old ordinary or penny farthing.
    Would Moltz know the difference?
    I obviously don’t.

  17. blank says:

    Was it a unicycle? No, the Village symbol was the penny-farthing bicycle.

    Questions are a burden on others.
    Answers are a prison for oneself.

  18. Anomynous says:

    Ace, it’s only a palindrome if you take out the parenthesis. Try again.

  19. kingthedestroyer says:

    The unicycle left both hands free to fling poo, that is its only pupose.

  20. Glenn Quagmire says:

    “Are things not going well with Jennifer (Frickin’) Connelly?”

    Perhaps things are going too well, if you catch my drift. I imagine John banging the hell out of Jennifer (the Entity)(Frickin’) Connelly, when he remembers he has to do a post, which he also quickly bangs out, and then gets back to banging the hell out of Jennifer (the Entity)(Frickin’) Connelly. Anyway, that’s what I envision is happening, with maybe some Triple Jessica (Alba, Biel, and Rabbit) on the side.

  21. Apple Lopsider says:

    Moltz has lost his way, general decline in quality of CARS reporting, Apple community’s fault for not providing better source material, “No helpdesk this week”, fewer sexbot mentions, etc. etc. Conclude by comparing Moltz to Samuel Beckett and this post to “Catastrophe” (1982), especially the political subtext of a monkey riding a unicycle.

    Lots of replies about how this is the best, most incisive comment in CARS history.

  22. Pol Hode says:

    I’m still trying to figure out how you retire a cage.

  23. > I’m still trying to figure out how you retire a cage.

    You take the old tires off before you retire it, of course.

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Samuel Beckett? Symbolism? We’re dealing with John Moltz here. I’m not sure he knows who and what those are. He’s the author of a weblog. An Apple Rumor weblog. A parody of Apple Rumor websites weblog. I think you folks are overreaching.

    Kingthedestroyer had it right, unicycle = 2 handed poo flinging. Don’t read too much into it.

  25. DW says:

    Twenty-nine is still prime.

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    But thirty is dirty.

  27. Apple Lopsider says:

    What was that, Ahnyer? “Best Comment Ever”? I concur.

    For the illiterati out there: Sam Beckett was the scriptwriter for ABC’s prime-time sitcom, Happy Days. He is known for his stark characters (example: all that is seen of Fonzarelli is a pair of thumbs, the rest of the set is in darkness whenever he is present) and pessimistic portrayal of middle-class American life in the 1950s.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay. Which one of you monkeys took my fucking unicycle.

    Wow, that felt good. It’s been awhile since I just gratuitously threw in the word “monkeys.”

  29. Douglas Adams says:

    Actually I quite liked this post. I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. Oh … and er … interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the … er … humanity of the … oh, yes, monkeynity (sorry) of John’s compassionate soul, which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other, and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into … into … er … Into whatever it was this post was about!

  30. The New Number 2 says:

    So, ergo — you’re finally ready to accept your status in The Village as Number 6! Wonderful! Then I’m sure you won’t mind completing this short list of questions (http://www.portmeirion-village.com/en/village-pages.php?pages=179&sM_id=189), pulled together by our good friend blank, to help us be certain that your indoctrination is indeed complete. After all, as we’ve always said… “We want information… information… In Formation!” So very good of you to do so, thank you VERY much.
    Well, that should be all for now. Must be on my way. So many responsibilities, you know.

    Be Seeing You!

  31. ergo says:

    Long I have waited for the acceptance and accolades accompanying the “Village” questionnaire. Now if I had only ever watched the show. Heard good things about it. Liked the episode of star trek that had McGoohan in it. (Some suckerface tart had a taste for salt or something like that)
    But I never actually saw the show. I was two when it came out.

    As to the sycophancy. Hey we aims to please.

    Moltz Rocks!!

  32. blank says:

    I’ll be watching old Prisoner episodes on touchscreen iPod when I fly to Japan next week. Not this week, next week. I still have a Red Dwarf DVD to rip. The only thing more fitting is that I have the Hitchhiker’s Guide tv series on there too. Sometimes this iPod seems like what DNA was getting at as far as the guide goes.

    Except the Guide didn’t connect over wi-fi. No way would that scale to galactic coverage.

  33. Apple Lopsider says:

    I suspect The Guide’s distribution method came closer to Encyclopodia:

    http://encyclopodia.sourceforge.net/en/index.html

  34. James says:

    If the monkey hooted incessantly and then retired to its cage to smoke a cigarette, it must have ceased hooting, right? This story was clearly not researched enough.

  35. monkeys says:

    oh, just shut up.

  36. Senate Hearings Find the iPhune UNAMERICAN!

    There are few if any politicians that I agree with on anything, which is why I find it so amazing to watch this guy, Congressman Ed Mahkey. I have never heard a politico soooo on target. He went on and on and on about how unfair, anti-competitive, expensive, unimaginitive, unintuitive, intrusive the iPhone is! Signing that contract with iATT is like becoming a slave! America is about freedom Mr. Jobs! We don’t want or need your little tricky device. Write your representitive and demand that they support this great American politician and his inquisition into the dangers that the iPhone poses to our way of life!

  37. Jim says:

    It is very creative.
    It is very creative.
    It’s vonderful.

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