Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’m terribly disturbed by Apple’s actions recently. They’ve been showing a tremendous amount of arrogance. Clearly they don’t care about their customers anymore and are truly the new Microsoft.
A: Oh, you mean like the iPhone bricking? The iPhone price drop? The Leopard Dock issues?
Q: What? No! Only a jackass would care about that crap! I mean Donald Rosenberg!
Q: The Donald! Rosie! Bergie! They let him go!
A: He left. He went to Qualcomm.
Q: Right! How could they let him do that?! He was awesome!
A: Oh. Uh… really?
Q: Yes! The man was a legal machine! He made it exciting to buy products from Apple!
A: Are we talking about the same thing?
Q: YES! God, what is wrong with you?!
A: Well, I dunno. I usually like to keep up on the Apple executives, but I think I was on the road for pretty much all of his tenure. I mean, didn’t he just come on in like July?
Q: NO! AAAARGH! Donald J. Rosenberg! Apple Senior Vice President and General Counsel from November 13th, 2006 to October 5th, 2007! I totally have his player card right in front of me!
A: He has a player card?
Q: I, uh, I make them. Out of construction paper. And some glue.
Q: A little glitter. For the ones I like.
Q: Oh, look who’s talking, Mr. “Phil Schiller has a posse”!
A: Oh, I’m sorry, did you put glitter on Phil?
Q: Well, sure.
A: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Q: Hey, what is this crap I hear about Apple bricking hacked iPhones?!
A: Well, in Apple’s defense, the users have violated their license agreement, so…
Q: Oh, don’t give me that license agreement crap! This is a bullshit move by Apple! I mean, if you bought a monkey from someone who told you that the monkey could ride a unicycle and, and then you find out the monkey, isn’t actually a monkey, it’s a chimp, I mean, you’d be like, hey, goober! Where’s my fricking monkey?! Take this stupid chimp back and get me a monkey!
A: Uh… what?
Q: Yeah! See, see the monkey in this instance is the iPhone. And the chimp is… um… Well, I don’t know what the chimp is. I guess it’s a bricked iPhone.
A: But chimps are actually smarter than monkeys. So, arguably, you’d be getting something better.
Q: OK, OK, OK. Forget about the monkey. Let’s say it’s a manatee…
A: You know what? I think you should work this analogy out before you lay it on me.
Q: No! Look, the manatee is the iPhone and the 1.1.1 update is a speed boat! Nnnnnneeeeerrrrrrooooowwww!
Q: Personally, I don’t understand what all this bitching about bricked iPhones is.
A: Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
Q: Yeah. Apple bricked my phone and I couldn’t be happier.
Q: Yeah! I installed that update and now I’ve got the iTunes Wi-Fi Store, the double-tap home button feature, the…
A: Dude, that’s not bricked. That’s just what the update does. Your iPhone’s not bricked.
Q: Oh. Well, what’s a bricked phone like?
A: It doesn’t work.
Q: Well… that’s no fun. That just sucks.
A: Now you’re catching on.