Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Is Apple ever going to release a sub-notebook?
A: No. Steve Jobs hates people who like tiny laptops. I don’t know why. Calls them tinytards if I’m not mistaken. Moreover, our sources say Apple’s actually working on a 24-inch laptop. Not that they think anyone will buy it, I mean the thing’s ridiculously huge. It’s just another typical Steve Jobs “fuck you”.
Q: So I should keep using my PowerBook 2400?
A: Oh, totally. Dude, I really don’t think they’ll ever come out with a machine better than that anyway.
Q: Hey, I installed Leopard and I’m having some problems.
A: OK. Is it the blue screen on reboot?
A: FileVault corruption?
Q: Uh, no.
A: What is it?
Q: It’s more like flames.
Q: Yeah. Shooting out the back. And there’s this deep gurgling voice telling me to “GET OUT!”
A: Are the walls bleeding?
Q: Uh… yes.
A: Yeah. That’s Satanic possession. Some people are running into that with Leopard.
Q: So, I’m screwed, right?
A: No. Just restart with the shift key held down.
Q: That’s it?!
A: Oh. And get yourself a priest.
Q: Hey, I didn’t install Leopard and I’m also having problems.
A: Uh… OK.
Q: Yeah. I’ve not no Time Machine, no 3-D Dock, no unified theme, no Back to my Mac…
A: Well, that’s because those are all Leopard features.
Q: I’m just saying, no pain, no gain.
A: What does that even mean in this context?
A: [sigh] You know, I wasn’t really looking for an object lesson here.
Q: Oh, boo-hoo.