02 Nov 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: Is Apple ever going to release a sub-notebook?

A: No. Steve Jobs hates people who like tiny laptops. I don’t know why. Calls them tinytards if I’m not mistaken. Moreover, our sources say Apple’s actually working on a 24-inch laptop. Not that they think anyone will buy it, I mean the thing’s ridiculously huge. It’s just another typical Steve Jobs “fuck you”.

Q: So I should keep using my PowerBook 2400?

A: Oh, totally. Dude, I really don’t think they’ll ever come out with a machine better than that anyway.
________________

Q: Hey, I installed Leopard and I’m having some problems.

A: OK. Is it the blue screen on reboot?

Q: No.

A: FileVault corruption?

Q: Uh, no.

A: What is it?

Q: It’s more like flames.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Shooting out the back. And there’s this deep gurgling voice telling me to “GET OUT!”

A: Are the walls bleeding?

Q: Uh… yes.

A: Yeah. That’s Satanic possession. Some people are running into that with Leopard.

Q: So, I’m screwed, right?

A: No. Just restart with the shift key held down.

Q: That’s it?!

A: Oh. And get yourself a priest.

Q: Ah.
________________

Q: Hey, I didn’t install Leopard and I’m also having problems.

A: Uh… OK.

Q: Yeah. I’ve not no Time Machine, no 3-D Dock, no unified theme, no Back to my Mac…

A: Well, that’s because those are all Leopard features.

Q: Right.

A: Yeah.

Q: Exactly.

A: Huh?

Q: I’m just saying, no pain, no gain.

A: What does that even mean in this context?

Q: Mmm-hmm.

A: [sigh] You know, I wasn’t really looking for an object lesson here.

Q: Oh, boo-hoo.

37 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Jebus says:

    First? I think not.

  2. Jebus says:

    But I have been wrong in the past…

  3. Piggy says:

    Tres??????????

  4. Piggy says:

    Cool, RSS updates are getting faster =0)

  5. Colonel Panic says:

    Top Ten!

    And I want that 24 inch laptop!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Do you think I should order my new MBP now or wait until January? Do you think the 24″ will be out by then ? Help me decide.

  7. smilypants says:

    seventh?

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    Rather than 24-inch, producing a sub-notebook 2 microns wide would surely mess with the “tinytards” even more.

  9. Loose Leaf says:

    I’m holding out for the 36 inch. You know they’re going to make it.

  10. Magnanimous Wang says:

    John Moltz is John Gruber.

  11. Nxxx says:

    John,
    BEST……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  12. Nxxx says:

    HELP……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  13. CB says:

    It could be called iNano.

  14. Nxxx says:

    DESK………………..Oh sod it, my finger hurts, EVER.
    With thanks to who ever used to burst outside the attributed area.

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    Nxxx,

    Please engage your powers of discernment. You and I both know this is not the “BEST.”

    Unless way out there off the page you’re concluding with “………..Help Desk so far this November!”

    Then I would concur.

  16. digitalcowboy says:

    Nxxx, I don’t remember who it was that used to do that either. But you’ve managed to one-up him/her/it. Whoever that was always did it much later in the thread. You managed to actually run your text over the ads placed at the right.

    Good show!

  17. Huh? says:

    Dang son!
    Not only did you go over the ads, but filled my 30″ Cinema Display.

    Whose gonna help me pick up the little dots off my floor now.
    Once those buggers get in the carpet… Pffft… It’s all over.

    Thanks, Nxxx…..

  18. Nxxx says:

    Ace,
    ‘powers of discernment’?
    1) Don’t know what you are posting about.
    2) Proof? I post here.

  19. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    Can’t one consider that the fact I hacked Leopard on my iPod Shuffle makes me the biggest tinytard ever ?

  20. Apple Lopsider says:

    Nxxx, I perceive that periods are prevalent in your posts, but please keep your plenteous periods within the proper page perimeters.

  21. Apple Lopsider says:

    Also, it was UhhhDude.

  22. nonlinearG says:

    “Tinytards” Did everybody turn the spell check off?

  23. alex.r. says:

    Oh, yeah, it was me. Sorry about that.

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    Well, that was a pretty good Help Desk, I must say. One minor concern, though. It seems to me that a 24″ laptop would either be very large or very small, depending on whether it’s original equipment or an aftermarket add-on.

    Dang, I have dirty mind.

  25. Ace Deuce says:

    You must be thinking of Apple’s laptop Sexbot line.

  26. Nxxx says:

    Here is my ‘Round The World’ posting.
    It is being launched from Croydon, Surrey, UK in an approximate South Westerly direction and will circle the World to return from a North Easterly direction.
    JOHN,…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  27. Nxxx says:

    THE……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  28. Nxxx says:

    BEST…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  29. Nxxx says:

    …………….HELP…………apologies for the lack of synchronisation…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  30. Nxxx says:

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….DESK…………………….

  31. Nxxx says:

    EVER.
    Retires exhausted, mentally, well I was before I started and physically.

  32. Anomynous says:

    “I’ve not no Time Machine…”

    It’s been all weekend and no one has commented on this glaring error? What happened to all the typo nazis that used to frequent these comment threads?

  33. Doc W0lfram says:

    The Grammar Police have taken the weekend off.

  34. No, I think they’re eating donuts at the local Grammar Dunkin’ Donuts.

Place your comment

Please fill your data and comment below.
Name
Email
Website
Your comment