According to sources at Apple and AT&T stores, all sales of the iPhone suddenly dried up this afternoon.
While sources could not state definitively why no one is buying iPhones all of a sudden, even as the holiday season gets into full swing, most speculated that the comments of AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson indicating that a faster phone would be coming “next year” probably didn’t help.
“Stephenson pretty much screwed the pooch on this one,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “I would be surprised if one of Steve Jobs’ elite lesbian ninja strike forces isn’t already on its way to ‘correct the mistake’, if you know what I mean.
“And by that I mean kill him. Possibly with piano wire. However, I understand that they are all well versed in the ancient Japanese art of Hashido, the method of killing someone with a chopstick. Usually they just jam one in the victim’s ear. Fast, efficient and deadly.”
This may explain why Stephenson was seen fleeing an area Apple Store having just purchased a pair of Bose noise-reducing headphones.
“And you can just bet those lesbian ninjas look so sexy doing it,” Mossberg added, his gaze wandering off to nowhere in particular.
“I’m sorry. What were we talking about? Oh. Stephenson. Yeah, he’s a dead man.”
According to sources who attended the meeting where Stephenson made his comments, not only did the AT&T executive indicate next year’s iPhone would be faster, he made several other claims about it.
- Comes with a lifetime supply of chocolate pudding.
- One word: lasers. And lots of them.
- Allows phone calls to be carried over IP, Bonjour, EDGE, 3G, WiFi, Ethernet, Sneakernet, LocalTalk and an iPhone tied to a can with a piece of string.
- Each iPhone 2.0 contains a shard of the Ark of the Covenant, protecting the owner from all evil.
- Will also have copy/paste.
Stephenson was last seen driving through Santa Clara at a high rate of speed with several black helicopters with white Apple logos painted on the side in pursuit.