28 Nov 07Apple e-Book Reader Captures The Market.

At a surprise late afternoon press event, Apple announced its new e-book reader, the Apple Book, which will compete directly with Amazon’s Kindle. In a stunning move that has vaulted the e-book industry from sputtering to red hot, the company said it had shipped 14.5 million units in the three hours after its announcement.

“What the fucking hell?!” said a visibly angry Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

“I spent like four years of my life working on this stupid thing! Now it’s been out like three weeks and it’s dead. Poof! Kaplooie! Game over, man!”

Muttering to himself, Bezos walked off, kicking the dirt and loudly slurping on a juice box.

“I fricking hate Steve Jobs.”

Essentially an iPod touch with a larger screen, the Apple Book downloads e-books via WiFi or syncing from the now horribly, horribly misnamed iTunes Store thanks to a partnership with Amazon rival Barnes & Noble. While these features actually trail those of the Kindle, the feature that is likely the primary cause for the device’s immediate success is the fact that the Apple Book is free and books are priced significantly lower than what Amazon charges. Customers simply supply a credit deposit upon receiving each Book and will be charged $500 less the amount of media they’ve purchased over the five year term of a contract.

Further, contrary to Amazon’s system, the Apple Book does not use DRM for e-books, relying instead on the same god damn system that’s been used for, you know, actual books for hundreds of years: making stuff that people want to buy.

Asked to explain how Apple could do this and still expect to turn a profit on the venture, CEO Steve Jobs said “We’re going to make it up on volume of books, movies and music sold. The reason Amazon has to charge $400 for the Kindle is because they don’t think it’s going to be adopted that quickly or that they’re going to sell that many e-books. Also, it’s fricking butt ugly. Have you seen that piece of crap? Holy hell. Makes me want to stab my eyes out with something pointy. Hey, Jeff! 1992 called! It wants its design ethic back! Ha-ha-ha!”

The gathered Apple executives, particularly Jonathan Ive, howled with laughter.

“Anyway,” Jobs continued, holding his aching sides and wiping tears from his eyes, “we’re going to move a ton of these suckers and sell a shitload of media.

“Razor blades and handles, my bitches. Razor blades and handles.”

Jobs was suddenly taken aside by senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller who whispered in his ear briefly.

Returning to the stage Jobs said “Actually, I’ve just been informed that we recouped all of our hardware costs about fifteen minutes ago. And we made enough to buy every Mac user a pony.”

Seeing the hopeful looks on the faces of the collection of mostly Mac-using reporters in the audience, Jobs quickly added, “But I’m not going to do that.”

Reporters then sighed heavily.

The Apple Book is available at an Apple Store near you immediately.

37 Responses to “Apple e-Book Reader Captures The Market.”

  1. OMGHAX says:

    Almost got a pony, too.

  2. Someone who absolutely does not have a pony says:

    Wait… you didn’t?
    Oh — I mean, neither did I.
    (numba three)

  3. CB says:

    I walk away from the computer for a few seconds, and what does Moltz do? Posts. Aarrgh!

  4. Squished Squirrel says:

    I bought it hook, line and sinker… and went off to look at the Apple store.

    Damn, when am I gonna learn?

  5. Sudo Nym says:

    I’ll take the old 1992 design ethic over that Blue Dalmation stuff any day.

    Call me old-fashioned.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    So Apple is going to sell razor blades and razor blade handle thingies? It’s about time! I’ll bet they have seven edges per blade array.

  7. Pony RD says:

    Sweeeeeeet! Na Na Neeeeaaaahh!

    8… 1988 maybe…

  8. baxtrice says:

    1992 – ha ha ha! *wipes eyes* I haven’t heard that in awhile. …hillarious

  9. baxtrice says:

    btw, boo-yah! Top 10 bitches!

  10. Huh? says:

    Another disappointed user….

    No ponies….
    *sigh*

  11. Carbonfish says:

    How does one mutter to oneself and loudly slurp on a juicebox?

    HMMmmmmm?

  12. Nxxx says:

    Apples turn brown on exposure to air. Wont that make it difficult to read?

    As proof, the Beatles turned brown in the Sun.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Does anyone know if Belkin makes big ass utility belts?

  14. HisSteveness says:

    Yeah, ponys…. Strike is ended now…

  15. Klayman says:

    Bah, what does that Apple Book have that the Newton doesn’t? Huh? Huh?

    Anyhow, who cares ’bout ponies, I’m still waiting for the sexbots! When will El Jobso finally deliver?

    cheers
    Klayman

  16. Klayman says:

    Ah, yes, the comforting safety of the bottom places…
    still, now that I savored a bit of first post glory, it’s tempting to stay up all night just to get it once more…. nah, I’ll stick to 18…

  17. agent smith says:

    I WANT MY PONY!!!
    NOW!!!

    (jumps up and down in a rage)

    PONY!!!

  18. Rip Ragge says:

    Well, it all just doesn’t matter any more. Kindle is out there. The final market niche has been filled. The geek-wannabe-paperback-romance-reading-tasteless-clown market finally has its product.

    First to mention Tony Orlando and Dawn.

  19. Del says:

    I think we need to start a pool of which Apple product will be released first:

    Wifi Pudding
    Cheese Storage
    Sexbots
    Apple Branded Ponies
    iFlame

    Any devices I’m missing?

    I think the next Apple device will be an Apple Tablet. I believe the tablet is going to be made out of powdered iPods, Newtons, and old Mac’s. Compacted into a tiny pill shape with Apple flavored binding ingredients. It will be every Mac’s users duty to take 4 tablets a day to help recycle Apple’s old products and keep Green Peace happy.

    … Ooooh Maybe it’s a conspiracy. Al Gore convinced the board that no Sexbots, Ponies, etc will be released until we recycle all the old Apple products. Do you think it is safe to take 4 bottles a day?

  20. Apple Lopsider says:

    Big deal. I’ve read my Enderle, and I know that after the initial buzz dies down, the AppleBook-But-Not-MacBook-Or-iBook-Or-PowerBook-Or-MacBookPro-Just-AppleBook will flop. For one thing, you need to use a computer to use the AppleBook. What’s the point of that? Why am I going to spend $500 on another screen if I already own a computer? With the Kindle, you don’t need a computer at all (after purchasing it). It manages all your downloads for you, storing them internally until it feels you don’t need to read them anymore. Also, the AppleBook is unfair to storytellers. I’ve heard that some of the PDFs displayable on the AppleBook are pirated texts downloaded from sites like Project Gutenberg. This is disgraceful. By comparison, according to Amazon’s fair and reasonable terms of service, Kindle will shut you out of your own library, warn all public libraries to turn you away, and ban you from all Borders and Barnes & Noble stores if you so much as _describe_ a story to another person. That’s what I call IP protection.

    Sorry, Apple. Without these crucial features, your so called “Apple” “Book” doesn’t interest me at all.

    Besides, the true literati aren’t interested in books downloaded from the internet. That’s _lossy_ compression, and you gain a lot of artifacts. It’s much cooler to make snarky comments about how good it feels to hold a brick of paper and take it in the bath/smash bugs with it.

    Apple’s going to lose money on this. The company may even have to shut down.

    The problems are only highlighted by the broken pony promise.

    Seriously, Apple, this is the second time I’ve not received a Pony from you in a year. You owe me some ponies. I’m hungry, damnit.

    Anyway. I just ordered my AppleBook online. Should be here by Monday.

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    What is the Recommended Dietary Allowance for cadmium, and will Apple’s tablet provide the full dose?

  22. Sudo Nym says:

    A couple corrections:

    Jobs actually said, “Razor blades and handles, my droogies. Razor blades and handles.” The B-word was not used.

    And it’s soxbets, not sexbots — Jobs is a wagering man. That one’s never gonna die, I suppose, due to the enormous pent-up demand for sexbots. Hmm… wonder if there’s a market opportunity for Apple there?

  23. sartre says:

    And it’s soxbets, not sexbots — Jobs is a wagering man. That one’s never gonna die, I suppose, due to the enormous pent-up demand for sexbots. Hmm… wonder if there’s a market opportunity for Apple there?

    I had hoped it was sorbets…sigh. That’s what I have a pent-up demand for right now.

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I bought all 14.5 million of them and immediately downloaded Barnes and Nobel’s entire library thereby recouping my entire original purchase cost plus some.

    That’s all cool and everything, but what the heck am I supposed to do with 14.5 million of these things? I can only use one at a time, two tops. Apple threatened to sue me if I try to sell them on eBay.

    Oh well, better get back to reading…

  25. Nostradamus says:

    Prophetic
    Apple
    Rumors
    Site

    January
    14th
    2008

  26. Rip Ragge says:

    Okay, sure. But will it have the complete works of Patrick F. McManus?

    If I’m going to read, I want real literature.

  27. Seth says:

    I want the pony.

    Oh man that was funny.

  28. Tonya Engst says:

    So, not to be pedantic or anything, but it’s called the iPod book (note my casing), not the Apple Book. Some interesting background here – apparently Steve is allergic to uppercase letters in iPod product names, unless it’s the P in iPod. If he sees a capital letter that’s not a P, he breaks out in hives. This is apparently related to some sort of rivalry. He wanted to call Apple aPPle, but lost that battle, so this is a sort of revenge.

    Anyway, Apple can’t give out ponies until they first release the Apple Barn, which will naturally have Wi-Fi.

  29. Rip Ragge says:

    Didja ever notice that people always say they don’t want to do what they are about to do?

    I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but….

    I probably shouldn’t criticize, but….

    It isn’t my place to say anything, but…

    Me either.

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    I wonder when the “d” fell off. That’s weird. It was just sitting there at the bottom of the screen all by itself. Must be a Leopard bug. Or possibly a Rosy Maple Moth.

  31. […] Crazy Apple Rumors Site » Blog Archive » Apple e-Book Reader Captures The Market. “Actually, I’ve just been informed that we recouped all of our hardware costs about fifteen minutes ago. And we made enough to buy every Mac user a pony.” (tags: MacOS Apple design humor Kindle Amazon bad-design ebooks marketing reality-distortion-field WANT) […]

  32. Glenn Fleishman says:

    Last!

  33. Ace Deuce says:

    Even more laster!

  34. Patrick says:

    I predict this Apple Book (or iPad book) will come out 1/27/2010 and be called the iPad.

    Last.

Place your comment

Please fill your data and comment below.
Name
Email
Website
Your comment