30 Nov 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I just bought Call of Duty and I’m trying to play it on my iMac with Leopard running and the frame rate is terrible! It’s practically unplayable. It’s like .5 frames a second!

A: Oh? What are the specs on your iMac?

Q: 2.4 GHz with 2 GB of RAM.

A: That should be plenty. What are your settings in the graphics options?

Q: Uh, hang on a second. I’ll just fire up Screen Sharing on my MacBook and launch Call of Duty on the iMac…

A: Uh, that’s OK, because I think I found your problem.

Q: I was thinking about whether I should buy an iPhone, because I’m concerned about the limited set of software available for it, and…

A: You know there’s a software toolkit coming out for developers, right?

Q: That has to do with my question. So I saw this Greg Jozwiak guy talking about the SDK and security, and he made me feel so… safe.

A: I know where this is going.

Q: He seems like a nice guy. Is he seeing someone?

A: He’s married. Yep, he’s married to the woman with glasses that appears in all the Tiger iChat AV video conference screens. And they have three children: Clarus, Luxo and, um, Open… Doc. And, um, they’re very happy.

Q: No he isn’t!

A: How do you know if he’s happy?!

Q: No, I mean he’s not married to her with kids with those names.

A: Yes he is.

Q: But…

A: You really need to drop this.

Q: …I could make him truly happy.

A: I don’t think he’s into men.

Q: I’m a woman!

A: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Are you sure?

Q: Why are you trying to deny Greg Joswiak and me true happiness?!

A: I’m not. I’m sure you two will be really happy together. You’ll get married and live on a farm in Vermont and have a couple of kids and a dog. Maybe raise some chickens. You’ll grow old together and bask in the glow of your love long into the twilight of your years.

Q: Yes!

A: Well, that would have all happened, except that Joz just called and he said to tell you he wants to see other people.


A: Like his wife.

Q: [sob] We’ll always have Vermont, Joz!

A: Oh, my god…

Q: I’ve just upgraded to Leopard and I’m totally pissed. iChat just doesn’t work.

A: Uh, well, I need a little more information. Can it not establish a video connection? Are you having trouble replying to text chats?

Q: I don’t know. It’s just busted. I’m logged into AIM, but none of my buddies show up in the Buddy List.

A: Ah! You probably accidentally blocked your buddies. Make sure your privacy level in the Accounts preference is set to “Allow anyone.”

Q: I checked that, and “Allow anyone” is selected.

A: And, uh, you previously had buddies before?

Q: Yes, five of my friends.

A: Did they all upgrade to Leopard, too?

Q: Yes.

A: Did they by chance disappear one by one over a period of the first few days you had Leopard installed?

Q: Yes! You’ve seen this bug too!

A: Um, no. They’ve all just set their statuses to Invisible so you can’t see that they’re online.

Q: Oh. Well that sucks. Hey, want to see a video of me going down some crazy roller coaster in the background?

A: Crazy Apple Rumors has gone offline.

Q: Oh, very funny.

33 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. 2 says:

    I call second!

  2. Anonymous Coward says:

    Top Ten!!!

  3. Anonymous Coward says:

    I got into the top 5. Now back to the porn.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Wow. I actually laughed out loud while reading the help desk tonight. The holiday break appears to have rejuvenated the CARS staff funnybone.

    {Funnymuscle? Funnygland? Whichever anatomical item that pertains.)

    I may even read it again.

  5. murph says:

    Top 10? I’ll take it!

  6. murph says:

    although I’m not sure I like being downstream from ol “funnygland” up there . . .

  7. smilypants says:

    Top 10 Yippeeee

  8. Sudo Nym says:

    OK, in the first question, where it says, “I think I found your problem,” what is it?

    I’ll bet it’s the MacBook, right? ‘Cause the guy didn’t get the black MacBook Pro, right?

    What a loser that guy is.

  9. Apple Lopsider says:

    Top 20!

  10. CB says:

    Golly, I missed it… almost it all week… but no, TGIF I missed top X.

    Bah humbug.

  11. Nxxx says:

    No longer able to use my BHDE remark, all I can do is thank John for his incredible wit, dedication to duty and wonderful choice of toothbrush.
    Further than that, all I can report is overhearing a fellow muso’s remark that he admired the gay French horn player’s “Entry and rendering of Wagner’s Ring.”
    What can he have meant?

  12. Can I reformat the Harddrive on an iMac and install Windows Vista only!

  13. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    Top Sixteen !

    Where can I buy a full buddy list ?

  14. Rip Ragged says:

    Vermont, my ass. People don’t play Call of Duty in Vermont. Not on a roller coaster anyway.

    I’m puzzled by the use of the modifier “gay” with “French horn player.”

    Rip Ragged has gone offline.

  15. fractured cell says:


  16. Huh? says:

    fractured cell

  17. Peter Jaros says:

    “order viagra”? John, are you that hard up for money?

  18. Peter Jaros says:

    Huh. I wish I’d phrased it that way on purpose.

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    I know what the problem is. It’s that nasty rash. A little hydrocortisone ointment should clear that right up. And lay off the sweets.

  20. Moof says:

    John’s HAS been rejuvenated in his posts. I was thinking about that last night. I figure some of the entity ass he is likely getting is enhancing his writing skills. The roller coaster just heightens the pleasure uh, or so I’m told.

  21. Huh? says:

    I would like to clarify, that it was not me posting in #19, only an impostor.

    If I had actually posted in that post, I would have chosen something pseudo-witty, such as “Yes?”.
    My Pants™ resent the implication that I would simply post the inverse of the previous post.

    Thank you, and eat more chicken.

  22. kingthedestroyer says:

    Thanks for the advice Huh?,… throw another chicken in the frying pan, and take its pants off this time!

  23. Del says:

    Doing a little detective work, I’ve come to the conclusion that post 19 was posted by non other than Doc Wolfram.

    You may wonder how I came to the conclusion. After close examination of the syntax, language, font, and typewriter impression left by the impostor Huh? and other posters at CARS I could only conclude it was Doc.

    It had nothing to do with the more obvious fact that the url he posted for his website was the same as the one Doc Wolfram uses. 😛

  24. Ace Deuce says:

    Columbo, Lovejoy, Hercule, Sherlock and Nancy Drew all rolled into one!

  25. Hey wow, I never knew about that! Paranoia keeps you stupid sometimes you know. I don’t think I ever clicked on a name in here before, now I have more stupid shit to waste time with! I thank you Del and my boss curses your name!

    Wow, the fun I could have with this. I’m pathetic.

  26. Huh? says:

    Take the pants OFF before cooking them…. Hmmmm

    I knew I was doing something wrong.

  27. resoftdr says:

    Thanks to Oprah, Obama camp claims biggest crowd yet

  28. ffsoftnk says:

    Lafarge to buy Orascom Cement for $12.8 bln link

  29. […] vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no […]