03 Dec 07Jobs To Keynote Macworld.

In a startling and exclusive revelation to Crazy Apple Rumors (MUST CREDIT CARS!), this site has learned* that Apple CEO Steve Jobs will keynote next month’s Macworld Expo.

This throws cold water on earlier rumors that the keynote address would be given by a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks.

If not actually throwing water on the cats themselves.

They hate that.

But it can be a good way to train them.

It’s well known that Jobs’ appearance is often substituted with a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks for the less important shows. Indeed, a cottage industry has grown up in the Mac community that attempts to analyze footage of these appearances and identify which ones were Jobs and which were a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks.

“I’m fairly certain that wasn’t him at WWDC,” said Apple follower Joseph Bartlett. “There was a lot of mewling and at one point he gets really distracted by a ball of yarn.

“There was also some spraying, but Jobs actually does that too, so it’s not a good indicator.”

Bartlett said that most people don’t notice that they’re watching a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks instead of a charismatic CEO because they’re too interested in what might be announced.

“Such is the power of Steve’s message.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but workers were seen unloading hundreds of bags of kitty litter at One Infinite Loop.

* (by reading Macworld)

30 Responses to “Jobs To Keynote Macworld.”

  1. Magnanimous Wang says:

    First! John Moltz is John Gruber!

  2. Magnanimous Wang says:

    A full minute later, no second comment, and John Moltz is *still* John Gruber.

  3. iHarley says:

    First time and top 5? Maybe even 3?

  4. Anonymous says:

    Fourth!

  5. baxtrice says:

    I thought I smelled Catnip…

    maybe 5 or 6..

  6. Nxxx says:

    Better not try that stunt this side of the Pond, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would have him hung, drawn and quartered. Incidentally, the similar society that protects children is only National, so perhaps they could substitute kids.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Finally, a rumor that passes the credibility test. It explains the tuna incident at the world wide developers conference.

    Best use of the word “mewling”, also.

  8. Lurkey Lou says:

    7?

    Hey that asterisk wasn’t there a minute ago!

  9. Lurkey Lou says:

    Okay, 10?

    and the phrase “a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks” really does bear repeating.

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    It’d be more practical to put a grizzly in the turtle neck rather than muck around taping all those cats together. Very labour intensive taping cats together. Trust me.

    Most grizzlies these days are members of the Academy or RADA or NIDA even. They’d be glad of the work. And they’re much better at eating people than cats taped together.

  11. Carbonfish says:

    Excellent John,
    You were able to work the word “mewling” into one of your offerings before the year was out. You have appeased the gods of 1950’s science-fiction / horror movie dialogue for yet another year. Now, I must get back to “The Thing From Another World (1951).

    Well done.

  12. Carbonfish says:

    Hey, could one of you kindly CARS staffers please close my quotes?

    Thanks.

  13. Piggy says:

    gatitoooos

  14. digitalcowboy says:

    I missed first. I missed the top three. I missed the top five. I missed the top ten. I didn’t even get eleventh. And it’s Monday. My week is ruined.

    Stupid clients with their “big cash bonus if you can get this to me before morning.” Whiners.

    I think I’ll sleep the rest of the week. No point reading CARS the rest of this week, now.

  15. CB says:

    slow night. is this best you can do, staff?

  16. Huh? says:

    This story is so bogus…

    Everybody who’s somebody knows that it’s nineteen cats, not seventeen.

    Pfft….

    The chicken is good. Eat more.

  17. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    Top 19 !
    Cats do not like water
    but they do like the taping.

    I mean…
    I never heard one complain.
    Or two.
    Or seventeen.

    Maybe the music was too loud…

  18. Loose Leaf says:

    20?

    Now if they would only accept tabbies, then I could rent my cat out.

  19. won says:

    order Viagra?!

  20. Klayman says:

    No bleedin’ way. Everyone knows Bertrand is allergic to cats. It’s a well known fact, that that’show he got his looks in the first place, after a not too happy encounter with a gang of lesbian ninja siamese kitties. Steve would never be so cruel as to expose him to a similar experience again.

    Unless of course, the guy decides to quit. Or return to his home planet. Then, it would fall under the label of “preserving valuable assets”. Or silencing them. Almost same difference really…

    Cheers
    Klayman.

    PD:

    NYC, I, on behalf of myself and me, want to point out, that your statement on the 11/29 post is filled with falacies. First, it’s not 25 guys, it’s closer to seventeen (hence the number picked by John in this post).

    Second, it’s not about being first poster at all, there’s a physical and time-zonal impossibility in that accusation. It’s about finding typos and misspellings in Johns posts. That’s what it’s all about. Nothing else. Not even the free wet shirt contest picture of JFC, offered by CARS for the one with most first posts in a year. Got nothing to do with it. Honest.

    Third, no one really listened to what you said.
    Ok, that one was actually accurate.
    But I’m pretty sure, some read what you wrote and pretended not to listen to what you said.
    Close enough.

    Thank you for your time.

  21. TuCats says:

    As long as the cats were taped before a live studio audience, I’m sure it’s all okay.

    Say, what’s in that previous posting? Um, uh-huh. Whoa.

    Footnote: Wow. The notion of a wet-tee-shirt-contest photo of JFC is more effective than a tranquilizer dart for freezing one motionless with a far-away look for minutes… or maybe longer… I think – based on the cold slag of sausage still left on my breakfast plate – that I must have started reading this hours ago, but just now returned to consciousness.

    Wow. Just wow.

  22. Apple Lopsider says:

    Nxxx, that should be hanged. Also, how does one quarter 17 cats without cruelty? By my calculations, at least one cat would be maimed.

  23. fractured cell says:

    maim away, oh Nxxx…

    (just please dont nuter me)

    MIAAOOOOOW!!!

    O_o wibble…

  24. kingthedestroyer says:

    I wanna know what kind of tape they used on the cats!!! That’s an important detail you left out John, sloppy sloppy..Ë

  25. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Is this a good sign or a bad one? Santa says he’s out of ponies

    http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gift-guides/5-cures-for-the-common-gift-guide-329318.php

    So does that mean that there is a horrible worldwide pony shortage…

    OR

    That Apple has bought up all the available ponies for the upcoming Mac Whirled Expo?

    Is Uncle Steve finally buying us all ponies!!!!

  26. Del says:

    Do you know what this means!?

    LOLCAT captions for the picture!

  27. Apple Lopsider says:

    i CaN hAS 1 Mo ThANG?

    I hate myself now.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    Allow me to be the first to mention that A ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks would make a a good, but rather unwieldy name for a band.

    Also, I’d like to be the first to use the word,”compunction.”

    Please pick up your children on the way out.

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