While rumors have swirled for years about secret vats of preservative fluid, replaceable android bodies and the late night comings and goings of warlocks and mages, no one has been able to definitively say how it is that Mavis Beacon has defied the aging process.
Finally, speaking to Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters only on the condition of complete anonymity, sources at Broderbund say that the star of the long-running Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing series stays young thanks to a deal with the devil.
According to these sources, in 1984 Beacon, then working in the NBC clerical pool, was approached by Dick Clark who proposed a deal: sell your soul to Satan and receive everlasting beauty.
As well as a cheesy software franchise.
Per the terms of the deal, as Beacon herself remains unchanged, her visage in a portrait stored deep in the bowels of the Broderbund headquarters decays in her stead.
“I always knew there was something weird going on with her,” said former virtual Beacon student Sean Moran.
“I mean, look at her. She’s still totally hot. If anything she’s even hotter than she was. I mean, if that was even possible.”
Moran noted that Beacon must be around 30 in the picture taken in 1987 when he first used her software in junior high school at the impressionable age of 14, making her now 50.
“I’m sorry,” Moran said, “but if that’s a 50-year-old woman, well, then sign me up for some more 50-year-old ass.
“You can tell there’s something wrong there… if you stop to think about it. But that’s the thing! Broderbund — and what kind of a name is that? Brother… bund? — Broderbund is counting on you to not… think… about… it.”
Moran pointed out that Beacon also looked strangely whiter in the newer image and expressed concern that Michael Jackson might also be involved.
“I don’t think anyone would argue that that wouldn’t be worse than Satan, so I’m just saying someone should look into it is all.”
Broderbund declined to comment for this story and attempts to reach Beacon were, for some reason, unsuccessful.