Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: Spaces!

Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?

Q: Yes!

A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.

Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?

A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.

Q: Uh… what?

A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.

Q: An offering?

A: Yes.

Q: What kind of offering?

A: An offering… of human blood.

Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?

A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!

Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?

A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…

Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!

A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.

Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.

A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?

Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.

A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.

Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.

A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.

Q: If you say so.

A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…

Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.

A: She was hot.

Q: Totally.

A: Well… thanks for calling!

Q: OK, bye.

Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!

A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?

Q: No! It was about Spaces!

A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?

Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.

A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?

Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.

A: What did you argue over?

Q: Money, mostly.

A: Mmm-hmm.

Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”

A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.

Q: I know. I know. I just…

A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?

Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…

A: Did you feel trapped?

Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.

A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.

Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.

A: We’ll pick it up here next week.

Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.

A: This is not about me, Ronald.

Q: Pff.

21 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Read the whole thing and still top 3! Yeah, baby!

    Nice Help Desk, CARS Staff. I chortled once and nearly guffawed a couple times.

  2. Listen, the Swedish Chef never approached the Robert Bork level of borkitude. Not even for a joke.

    Robert Bork is multiple orders of magnitude more borked up, and he has been at least since October 20th, 1973. It is reasonable to assume that he was all borked up even before that, but outside the public eye.

  3. I found that the best way to get spaces and dashboard under control is to keep em separated. One on one I can bully em just fine, but if you let em get together and start talkin… man, its like they feed off eachother. And spaces, with his thing for blood, just gets dashboard all wound up.

  4. All I can use is the words of Cole Porter, “Thou Swell, thou witty etc., etc.”

    Just remembered that Porter was supposed to be gay.

    do not think of you in that way at all, John.

  5. Lucky 13! Elke Sommer was totally hot. I’d vote for her over Mavis Beacon as the newest CARs hottie … mainly because I am convinced the Apple II version MB Teaches Typing had a male model and THAT makes me uncomfortable.

  6. I’m puzzled by the way that since the Entity became Jennifer (F) Connelly, you only talk about women that match your mother, John.
    Would you like to talk about it ?

  7. Most of us can get by being “Borked up” a little, but the person who gets “Gonzallied Up” may be lost forever.

    Being “Borked up” can be corrected with a little more top spin.

  8. Can I be next? I’m feeling some guilt and separation anxiety. One of the first things I did in Leopard was disable Spaces. Is that wrong, does that make me a bad person?

    Will I ever be able to love (an OS feature) again?

  9. Myself, my Pantsâ„¢, and my Spaces, are all on holiday this week.
    I won’t be posting other than to post this post.

    Um…. yeah.

    So, have fun and keep John appropriately stressed.

    And John…. more ponies.

  10. I dunno if you realized, but you started a Crazy APPLE Helpdesk with these words:

    *Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!*

    Am I the only one to see the irony in that?


    PD: Btw, if his windows is gone, that should be a reason to rejoice, not to scream.

    Blessed by thy Mac, freed of the demons of Redmont. Begone and praise the maker for that precious gift, my son.

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