10 Dec 07Pardon me, spam. Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: Spaces!

Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?

Q: Yes!

A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.

Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?

A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.

Q: Uh… what?

A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.

Q: An offering?

A: Yes.

Q: What kind of offering?

A: An offering… of human blood.

Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?

A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!

Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?

A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…

Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!

A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.

Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.

A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?

Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.

A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.

Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.

A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.

Q: If you say so.

A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…

Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.

A: She was hot.

Q: Totally.

A: Well… thanks for calling!

Q: OK, bye.

Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!

A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?

Q: No! It was about Spaces!

A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?

Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.

A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?

Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.

A: What did you argue over?

Q: Money, mostly.

A: Mmm-hmm.

Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”

A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.

Q: I know. I know. I just…

A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?

Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…

A: Did you feel trapped?

Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.

A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.

Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.

A: We’ll pick it up here next week.

Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.

A: This is not about me, Ronald.

Q: Pff.
Another deadly spam hack attack against this site by nefarious robot sources has been defeated. You’ll have to look somewhere else for your viagra needs.

At least until they attack again. Which will probably be in about 15 minutes.

20 Responses to “Pardon me, spam. Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?”

  1. Klayman says:


  2. Klayman says:

    Thanks to Spam, this is the second first post I managed. They should attack CARS more often.

  3. Klayman says:

    … to … err… keep masako in shape, that is… not that I want CARS to be attacked or anything… don’t get it wrong… it’s like a sport… if you know what I mean…

    ok, I’m off…

  4. Anonymous says:

    What about he off brand Viagra, got any of that?

  5. Glenn Miller says:

    Pardon me, Roy – is that the cat who ate your new shoes?

  6. Del says:

    But I want my Viagra now!

  7. tom says:

    i don’t look forward to the day when I have needs for anti-impotence drugs – although I guess that’s better than being impotent but not having a use for drugs…

  8. kingthedestroyer says:

    Well well, I made the top ten, too bad its not a funny post, that would have been great, top ten, funny post, but this Monday sucks anyway, take what I can get.

  9. CB says:

    9, number 9, number 9

  10. blank says:

    I’ve been assured by a reliable source that I don’t need what those nefarious robots are pushing, so once again they can just bite my pasty human ass!


  11. Nxxx says:

    My hero. Saved us again.
    We are not worthy and anyway, Viagra has stopped working.

  12. Hondophred says:

    Don’t go out tonight for it’s bound to take your life
    There’s the bathroom on the right.

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Del, did you already use up that last shipment? You aren’t using it in your ninja kitten breeding program, are you? Because combined with catnip, that would redefine “frisky kitty.”

  14. Coolhandluke says:

    Dont go out tonite
    its bound to take your life
    theeeerrrees a bad moon on the rise

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Worse than Viagra, I’ve got an ad for the United Church of God in my sidebar.

  16. Carbonfish says:

    Hooray, Spam!!..

    Oh wait, not the delicious lunch meat kind, huh?

    Never mind.

  17. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Wait a minute!

  18. sartre says:

    John, if you haven’t tried Spam Karma for WordPress, I recommend it.

    Also, what would happen JFC/The Entity took viagra?

    You want something delicious, try Marmite! Unlike Spam, it would clog any filter that tried to hold it back, eventually overwhelming it.

  19. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    May I propose some Roleksse ? Wall Street tips ? A manager job with a multiple-zero-annual-salary ?

    Top 19

  20. fractured cell says:

    YAY! VIAGRA!!!

    O_o wibble…