11 Dec 07Jobs Names Successor.

In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.

While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.

“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”

Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.

“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”

Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.

“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.

28 Responses to “Jobs Names Successor.”

  1. Sudo Nym says:

    And Putin could add real teeth to Apple’s attempts to stifle rumors by having journalists assassinated.

    It’s a good fit for the company.

  2. baxtrice says:

    This is a blatant lie — we all know that Steve Jobs has cloned himself into a Lesbian Ninja Sexbot to reign supreme after the cyber apocalypse.

  3. digitalcowboy says:

    Is a “previous swirled” rumor similar to a “reverse swirled” or is it something fancier still? Like maybe one of those chocolate/vanilla swirled soft serve deals?

  4. coolhandluke says:


  5. Nxxx says:

    Bloody hell! Polonium 210 imports will rise and do be careful of what you drink.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Still “Rooting for Putin” is an apt bumper sticker, if such things still exist.

  7. Perfect 10! Like Putin topless in a bikini bottom! Or maybe not…

  8. Lucky 11! Like Putin in a mumu!

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    If this is true (“In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board,”) we now are all honorary members of the Apple board! Woo-hoo! Ka-ching!

    I move that we adjourn for some wireless pudding.

  10. Carbonfish says:

    Wozbot. Bad trouble. Run for your lives.

  11. OMGHAX says:

    Эй, спасибо Стивен! Путин- это богатый человек. Не связывайся с ним- он крутой!

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    There’s only one World leader who could fill Steve’s 991s.

    Big it up for Kim Jong-il.

    Got to be.

    Putin. Phooey.

  13. Klayman says:

    Well, that puts “From Russia, with love” a whole new perspective. Beware, Bond, SPECTRE will now have their own Gadget Factory… and even more stylish then Aston Martin.

  14. J0n says:

    I’m somewhat concerned that John Moltz is paying attention to international politics.

    What have you been doing, John, reading the NEWSPAPER?

    What’s next, the Wall Street Journal?

  15. Anonymous Coward says:

    A successor to a God? Really? I think not.

  16. Seano says:

    just think of the new macbooks with mini reactors for batteries. don’t think of battery life think half-life. 😉

  17. TuCats says:

    There are clues we’ve all been missing. Fake Steve Jobs is the natural successor, but not it all fits together.

    FSJ now claims his identity is one “Daniel Lyons” – not his real name, clearly. It’s an anagram for “Onan-ed silly”, which is the real clue because Putin is a “jerk-off” according to internal State Department memos.

    Ergo, Putin is FSJ, and therefore FSJ really is the successsor to RSJ.

  18. Klayman says:

    Bah, FSJ has an ego the size of his prostate, so he’s not going to make it even to see The AppleTablet… MacTablet… iTablet… whatever…


    PD: ‘sides, no one’s going to survive the CyberApocalypse, so it’s not really relevant anyway.

  19. Apple Lopsider says:

    James Bond? Pshh, James Bond _is_ Putin.

    Seriously, have you ever seen Daniel Craig and Putin in the same room together? Because when you put them side by side, they look very much alike.

    (Also, James Bond is too busy thwarting Richard Branson’s Moonraker remake. Hence, Putin had to name his successor, FSJ had to curb his posts, and Daniel Lyons played patsy.)

    Speaking of alter egos, it doesn’t surprise me that Moltz was reading a newspaper. He probably spent a day or two deciding which of his popular blogs he should post this story on, CARS or Daring Fireball…

  20. blank says:

    Jobs only wishes he had access to supplies of Polonium 210 sufficient to take out everyone on his enemies list (which really means: rumor site operators–watch out John).

    For some things, it really pays to have the resources of an evil empire at ones disposal…

  21. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    How do you spell Tchetcheny in Apple ?

  22. Dear Shane says:

    Well, lately Putin has already been seen trying out his new work clothes by wearing a mock black turtleneck. Evidence No. 1: http://efficientawesomeness.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/putin_black.jpg

  23. Apple Lopsider says:

    That’s not Putin, that’s just 17 black cats taped together…

  24. […] just say it had something to do with sexbots, or Woz’s dumb stories, or maybe even the time Jobs named V. Putin as his successor. Whatever. Sure, I’ll miss CARS, and every time I read Macalope I’ll think of you. […]

  25. d2o says: