In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.
While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.
“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”
Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.
According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.
“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”
Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.
“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.