10 Dec 07Cyber Apocalypse Heats Up.

I keep hearing this whiny-assed crap from no good Mac-using bitches that are sitting at home in their parents’ basement wondering when the Cyber Apocalypse is going to affect them.

Well, game on, my multi-sided-dice-rolling Cheeto-snarfing HyperCard-using evil-goat-worshipping cream puffs.

Because word on the street is Steve Wozniak just got turned into a robot.

“Oh, noes! Not teh Woz!” sez my little LOL kitties. “I can has Woz?!”

No! You can, uh, not has Woz! Give it a try! You’ll be all “Oh, Woz, you’re the funny and personable Apple co-founder, what with your dating of noted comediennes and penchant for cutting your meat with a business card and disinclination to fire people at the drop of a hat! Give me some sugar!”

And he’ll be all “CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY. CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.”

And don’t say we didn’t warn you, my nasty hoes. No, since day one (literally!) we’ve been the only Apple site to give you the straight poop on this so-called “Woz” and how he’s a threat to the youth of America. And a brain-sucking zombie.

Why, check out this criticism of Woz we offered over a year ago:

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Indeed. And now he’s a psycho killer robot. Advantage Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

So, look. I don’t want to hear a lot of namby-pamby crap about how the Cyber Apocalypse don’t affect you.

Let me put this in terms even the dimmest Mac user can understand.

Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

Your best bet is to try to dump him into a vat of liquid oxygen in the hopes that you can shatter him in such a manner that his liquid metal composites will not be able to reform the WozBot.

That’s right.

The WozBot.

Go see if any of the other so-called Apple news and rumor sites are giving you the 411 on the great threat posed by the WozBot.

I’ll wait.

39 Responses to “Cyber Apocalypse Heats Up.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Mmmmh, toasty!

  2. CB says:

    well, 2 actually

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay, I checked, and no one else is giving the 411 on the cyber-apocalypse. So you got an exclusive.

    I have already had my house Woz-proofed.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    The way to recognize the Woz-Bot is that it has no legs or feet, just wheels. It kind of looks like a human pushing or riding a lawnmower, but don’t be fooled like I was.

  5. Jesus's iPhone says:

    I nominate this post “CARS Post of the year.” You successfully put Woz, LOLCats, and robots into one post. Well played.

  6. digitalcowboy says:

    Ace Deuce and CB: Y’all better repent. You prevented Jesus’s iPhone from getting first post.

    That can’t be good.

    I’ll pray for mercy on your souls.

  7. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    SegWoz
    Terrifying.
    No way.
    Fortunately he seems to be trapped in a kind of globe of death-faraday protection ?
    http://www.sptimes.com/2003/01/06/photos/xprs-sphere-dark.jpg

    Top eight.

  8. Nxxx says:

    I’ve just realised that Woz spelt backwards is Zow.
    Jobs spelt backwards is Sboj.
    Now which do you prefer and infer from that?

  9. Sudo Nym says:

    Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

    Hah! Everything I hold dear was already destroyed by Steve Jobs. Multiple times. No Newton II. No HyperCard X. No more mighty PowerPC — no, the Mac is now based on the Pentium Pluperfect or whatever they’re calling it now. No AT&T-free iPhone. No Beatles on iTunes, although, actually, I already had all the CDs and ripped them into iTunes years ago. No more Apple Computer, Inc. — they’ve dropped the “Computer,” for cryin’ out loud!

    Everything I hold dear, ground into the dust. So come destroy me, WozBot. I’m ready.

  10. Coolhandluke says:

    Let me put this in terms even the dimmest Mac user can understand.
    Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

    Every time i read that I chuckle.

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    Never mind the 411. Give me the skinny when Woz is going to jump out from under my bed and scare the bejeezus’s iPhone out of me!

  12. Klayman says:

    So… in best Manga tradition, when the mobile WozBot would be the SegWozBot? And when supercharged The MegaSegWozBot? Will he turn the Lesbian Ninja Sexbot army against us, too? Will they turn into LesNinSexMegaSegWozBots? Do I have to hide under the table to protect myself? Can I take my MacBook with me, or will it be corrupted and turned as well? Into some sort of LesNinSexMegaSegWozBotMacBook?

    Frightening…

    Cheers
    Klayman

    PD: Can we call the Power Rangers or something?

  13. J0n says:

    How about calling the Incredibles? I hear that Steve Jobs knows how to get in touch with them.

  14. TuCats says:

    I think this is overblown.

    WozBot is based on some of the earliest models of the Segway HT, and was never recalled during the “low power” = “no balance” debacle back in ’04. Muttering something about “wheels of Zeus are NEVER recalled!”, he declined the replacement power module and instead gave off a few threatening thunderbolts to punctuate his point.

    If we just let him pillage and destroy rampantly for 5-6 hours, I believe he can then be tipped over pretty easily, giving off nothing more threatening than a wierd stuttering sound from his left wheel.

  15. Ahnyer Keester says:

    But the WozBot is at Disney World. Aren’t we safe if he’s contained there? I mean it’s the happiest place on earth and perhaps that will distract the WozBot for a while.

    So again I say, the Cyber Apocalypse don’t affect me.

    Nah.

  16. Apple Lopsider says:

    Seriously, John, “multi-sided-dice-rolling”?

    At your suggestion, we tried using one single-sided dice, but found the random element to be somewhat removed from play. Advancing along Chutes & Ladders (or Snakes & Ladders, as we call it) one square at a time resulted in a depressing and infinite recursion between squares 26 and 47. Both faithful CARS readers, we continued playing, certain our loyalty would pay off, until 4 AM, when my wife collapsed, her wrists exhausted from rolling and tossing the mathematically impossible two dimensional dice. Family game night was ruined. I hope you’re satisfied.

    Next time, check your sources.

  17. Klayman says:

    Actually, a one-sided dice is mathematically possible (in form of a Moebius Strip, one surface and one boundary). It’d be quite a boring game tho, and look pretty weird to boot.

    Cheers
    Klayman

  18. fractured cell says:

    TOP TWENTYING

    i like…

  19. Apple Lopsider says:

    (I contend that, as long as it’s composed of matter, a Möbius strip has at least 3 sides.)

  20. normless naman says:

    in-side
    out-side
    sub-side

  21. J0n says:

    How many sides does a sphere have? One, or infinite? (“Two: inside and outside” doesn’t count.)

  22. Steve G. says:

    I just hope that the WozBot is not the SexBot, version 1.0.
    Because that would suck. Double-entendre not intended, but hazily implied.

  23. Apple Lopsider says:

    Now that we’re getting serious, I’m going to duck out and say that I don’t think “side” is really a mathematical concept. Klayman was right in that a Möbius strip has only one _surface_ (assuming a _physically_ impossible flat plane as one does in math), because it has no inside. A sphere has an inside and an outside (since a mathematical/topological sphere is the shape itself and not its contents).

    So, replacing “sphere” with “surface” as the word is defined in topology, Klayman would be right, I would have played Chutes & Ladders with a Möbius dice.

  24. Loose Leaf says:

    I’ve got 2 days left on a Disney World park hopper pass. I think I can unplug the Wozbot and still have time for a ride on the Rock ‘n’ Roller coaster.

  25. kingthedestroyer says:

    The MS sexbot killer is a sex rock. You may ask, what is a sex rock?….
    Just another f#cking rock.

  26. Klayman says:

    Which shows that, once again, nothing is impossible for CARS readers. I don’t know though what is more admirable, having played with a physically impossible die (is that correct? die? or is singular also “dice”?), or having done so all night long. Thumbs up, Apple Lopsider.

    Cheers
    Klayman

  27. D0c Wolfram says:

    Not to be confused with “You will DIE!”

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  29. blank says:

    The preceeding post should be subjected to the full-on CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY treatment. Sounds like one of those damned robots to me.

    If the problem involves robots running amok, then the solution is Magnus, Robot Fighter! That guy could take off a robot’s head with a single karate chop–SPLAAAAAAAANNNNNG!

    Sure hope I spelled that sound effect correctly…

  30. TuCats says:

    If we could think outside the box and just fashion a two-sided die, it would be the perfect tool for slicing off robot heads.

    Difficult to handle safely for game play, though.

  31. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    33rd, twice in a row… Wozup with that?

  32. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    I would die for 33 sided dice.

  33. Apple Lopsider says:

    For gameplay purposes, a coin suffices.

    RoboDecapitation
    (A Complete Quest For RoboRPG, A TuCats 2-D System RPG)

    This foyer in the CARS headquarters is long, dark, and filled with a robot. It moves to attack you.
    Robot’s defense is: 1.

    Your only weapon is the RoboSlash Coin.
    Heads: attack 2.
    Tails: attack 1.

  34. Ace Deuce says:

    Wow, all the hubbub about the cyber-apocalyse made me realize that I wasn’t clear on the concept, so this afternoon I decided to check it out. This is my review.

    The tour takes about three and a half hours with no intermissions. It starts slowly and widely distributed, and snowballs into a bloodbath about halfway through. The rest is basically cleanup and monotonous industry. The one good thing about Botocracy is that it’s so neat and tidy that Phil Hartman’s anal-retentive chef would approve, if he could somehow survive through its inception. But otherwise it’s boring, at least for this reviewer. And the music just plain sucks. I mean, they make Devo look like Rachmaninoff. So overall I can’t recommend it, and suggest you wait for the next version (hopefully one that’s more flesh-friendly, where Quislings will be rewarded for ratting out the Luddites amongst us).

  35. Klayman says:

    Go S
    Look Room
    Pick up Coin
    Toss Coin
    Go W
    Inv
    Exit
    Buy Monkey Island IV

  36. Rip Ragged says:

    Dammit. And I was planning on stopping at Shari’s for breakfast in the morning, too. With all this cyber apocalypse thingy whatever going on, I’ll probably just eat some Fiber One and a bagel.

    Thanks Moltz. You just ruined another Wednesday.

    Wozbot, indeed.

    I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay, though. I have 400 blank index cards and a whole jar of paper clips on my desk.

  37. Moltz stated in the article:

    And he’ll be all “CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY. CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.”

    Wouldn’t that be “CRUSH! KILL!! DESTROY!!! CRUSH! KILL!! DESTROY!!!”, with a mechanical inflection in the voice?

    As for the Wozbot, bring it. I’m ready. I have an iron pipe, a .357 magnum and a semiauto 12 gauge to play with. Bitch. Come and get some.

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