Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Do you have any last-minute gift suggestions for the Mac-using members of my family? I’m having trouble thinking of what to get my brother.
A: A sweater.
Q: A sweater?
A: Yeah. Everybody needs a sweater.
Q: Um, yeah, well I was really thinking of something more Mac-related. You are an Apple-related help desk after all.
A: Maybe it could have an Apple logo on it.
Q: That’s not really doing it for me.
A: Oh, fine, princess. I see what your game is. Don’t get him something he wants, get him something that you want.
Q: I want what’s best for him and what’s best for him is to be able to enjoy a superior user experience. See, he’s… he’s… [sigh]… a Linux user.
A: OK, but, see, he’s not going to use OS X so what’s the point? Even if you buy him an 8-core Mac Pro, he’s going to junk it up by putting fricking Ubuntu or some shit on it.
Q: Don’t you think I know that?! Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t afford to get him an 8-core Mac Pro anyway.
A: No, and Linux people don’t want that shit. Shit that’s all cool and shiny and shit. He wants a “challenge”. Give him a toaster and tell him it runs Windows Mobile. He’ll spend the rest of the year trying to install Debian on it.
Q: Hey, it’s the gift that keeps on giving! To me!
A: Which is what you wanted in the first place!
Q: Hey, I don’t have a question, but I just wanted tell you to have a merry Christmas.
A: Oh, well, thanks.
Q: A very merry Christmas.
A: That’s nice.
Q: Yeah. Let the yule be gay!
A: Are you… hitting on me?
Q: From OS X on, your restarts have been miles away!
A: Oh, no, no, no! No way. You’re not doing some fucking Apple-themed Christmas carol on my site!
Q: So, have yourself a Cupertino Christmas…
A: Really, I’d much rather you were hitting on me.
Q: Startup sounds ring! Are you list-ening!
A: I swear to god, I will beat you to death with Michael Spindler and whip your dead body with the cord of a hockey puck mouse.
Q: OK, I’m done.
Q: Hey, did you see this bullshit?
A: I did! What the hell? Who does that jackass think he is?
Q: I have no idea. You should read John Welch’s take. He rightly really ripped that Rixstep guy a new one.
A: I did read that and… Hey, wait a minute! You’re not a caller. You’re just me! This is just exposition!
Q: Ah, but isn’t that what Christmas is about? Exposition?
A: What?! No!
Q: Oh. Huh. Are you sure? There’s an awful lot of exposition in those holiday specials.
A: Fairly certain.
Q: OK, then maybe it’s just about making jackasses see the error in their ways. Like the Grinch.
A: Yeah! And Scrooge!
Q: And the magician in Frosty!
A: And that snow beast in Rudolph!
Q: And, uh, Jesus!
Q: OK, maybe less so that one.
A: What do you mean “less so”?! And why are we still talking?!