Oh, My God, They Got Nicky!

The Apple rumors community was thrown into tumult today as Think Secret announced that as part of an agreement with Apple, it would be closing its doors. Today will be known as “the Day the Rumors Died”.

Except for those from this site, of course.

And Apple Insider.

And, well, Mac Rumors.

And…

… the rest.

But this monumental event simply serves to drive home that the Apple rumors world is shrinking. Every day, or every 200 to 700 days, another Apple rumor site is felled as a mighty oak falls in, um, Oak… land.

How could this happen?

Many Apple followers were quick to jump to one of two conclusions – that Think Secret was either forced out of business or bought out of business.

But it takes the trained eye of a rumors site editor to note certain tell-tale signs. Signs that point to one conclusion and on conclusion only.

Nick Ciarelli (né “dePlume”) was coerced against his will to shut down Think Secret by killer robots bent on destroying the Apple ecosystem.

What?

No. No. No.

No, look, any reputable naturalist will tell you that things that feed off of other things, or even the waste of other things, things that actually do things as opposed to the things that are feeding off of them, yes, even these things are part of the ecosystem.

They’re called para… Um, para…

Well, I forget what they’re called.

Anyway, let’s take a look at not just what Think Secret said in its press release, but what it didn’t say. What you notice immediately is they didn’t say anything about killer robots.

Don’t you think that’s odd?

I think it’s odd.

It all becomes clear when you look at the subtext.

Apple and Think Secret have settled their lawsuit, reaching an agreement that results in a positive solution for both sides.

Subtext: “HELP! I’m being held hostage by killer robots!”

As part of the confidential settlement, no sources were revealed and Think Secret will no longer be published.

Subtext: “OH, DEAR GOD, THEIR PINCERS ARE DIGGING INTO MY FLESH! I MUST DO THEIR EVIL BIDDING!”

Nick Ciarelli, Think Secret’s publisher, said “I’m pleased to have reached this amicable settlement, and will now be able to move forward with my college studies and broader journalistic pursuits.”

Subtext: “MY ONLY HOPE IS TO ACCEDE TO THE DEMANDS OF MY CRUEL METAL CAPTORS AND ASSIST THEM IN IMPLEMENTING THEIR VICIOUS, CALCULATED PLAN!”

I just don’t see how you could read it any different than that.

No, rumoristas, do not blame Apple for the death of Think Secret. Blame the clanking metal terrors that are the architects and executors of the Cyber Apocalypse.

But on the outside chance that it wasn’t them and Apple really did buy Think Secret off, I haven’t made a secret of fact that we’d be willing to stop publishing for a Cinema Display.

In case anyone wants to make us an offer.

41 thoughts on “Oh, My God, They Got Nicky!”

  1. As a side note, a not oh-my-there-are-no-comments-yet subtext line would have been more along the lines of “THEY’RE DIGGING INTO MY APPENDIX! OH THE AGONY!”

    …which is at least a little better than “PAIN!”

  2. The word you’re looking for is paramecium, as any biologist would tell you.

    Unless it’s parachute or paradiddle. Tough choice…

  3. I would settle for a cinema display. but it would have to be a 30 inch one. Especially if they decide what im asking for is too much, and that it would be cheaper to off me with a robot.

  4. I suggest searching for “conclusion and on conclusion only” as well as “secret of fact” and then see if either of those phrases are appropriate in context.

    I submit, sir, that they are highly inappropriate!

  5. Ace- It could very well be para-tights or paragon…
    The choice becomes tougher.

    Nxxx, I don’t like the way your computer is looking at me either.
    Be careful. It might have the death sentence on 12 systems!

    The chicken isn’t going to eat itself… Dig in.

  6. Dammit! I changed my name to Artie McStrawman once, like, forever ago to make a single lame joke about how dreamy Del is and now I can’t seem to get it to change back.

    Because I keep forgetting to change it before posting. But that’s no excuse! I will NOT take responsibility for my own stupid actions and you can’t make me.

  7. Question: at what point does my view on sexbots conflict with my view on killer robots? Or would it be prejudiced to lump them all together? How about the killer sexbots crafted especially for the Woz (who’s into that sort of thing)?

    Also: did you know that in 1005, Malcolm II began reigning in Scotland?

  8. Do the killer-robots look like Segway ?

    Oh ! The door bells.
    Who could that be at that time ?

  9. WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THESE THINGS.

    TAKE IT DOWN NOW, CARS.

    BOOM!

    THERE IS NO CYBER APOCALYPSE.

    THERE ARE NO SIGNS.

    ONE MORE THING…

    SIGNS ARE BAD FOR BUSINESS.

  10. Also, I’ve heard that dePlume got a kick out of slapping “Intel Inside” stickers on all Macs in his local Apple Store. So, it’s well deserved.

    I wrote what you said, stop that laser now! Gerroff you frikkin robot! No! NOOO—-

  11. Ace,
    Always thought paramecium, was what small rodents use when dropping from heights over eight foot or 2m 47mm.

  12. I, for one, welcome our new paranormal paramecium overlords who have unleashed their killer robots on us.

  13. I knew it. They have already taken over CARS. Steve Jobs is behind CARS now, I just knew it, spreading false rumors, attempting to create mass panic, sending us running to the Apple store like chicken’s with our heads chopped off. NExt will come the threats – “If you don’t buy the current iPod right now I will never update it again!” The apocalypse isn’t coming people, ITS HERE NOW!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. What about: Parallels, paradox, parallax, or paraglide?

    John, you’d sell out only for a Cinema Display? Methinks you need to set your sights a little higher. Unless the killer robots have already gotten to you…

  15. Not to be repetitively redundant, but I heard that the demise of Think Secret is really just a rumor, not really a fact.

  16. @21: Wait, so a ball of 17 cats taped together == Steve Jobs == John Moltz == John Gruber.

    Oh my god! “Darling furball”! Clearly a reference to the cats of which Steve/John/John is composed! It’s been right there under our noses all this time!

  17. After reading all these comments I’m convinced the collective wisdom of the CARS community is sufficient to defeat the Cyber-Apocalypse, if we are given the necessary provisions. I’m thinking an iPhone each with a two-week pudding ration, and a pony and an iFlame. Bring it on!

  18. Sounds like it was a fine party last night – with taped-up cats and furballs and robots and figs and sexbots and Cinema displays and cyberapocalypses and paramecium.

    Oh the horror of missing the party! 10 lashes for me. I submit to the Entity.

  19. How many more rumor sites have to die before you people (I assume most of you are people) believe the Cyber Apocalypse is for real.
    I would like to have one of thoses killer robots for Christmas.

  20. @31

    Not so fast young sapling, today is but the 21st.

    We must not rush past the 25th … many a bot will be delivered then…

  21. To address this threat, I’m willing to pass on the robot killing skills 1A taught me as a child. Thor is probably the only one of you tough enough to stand up to the rigors of such training. Well, okay, I’m pretty sure Masako could handle it too.

    Class starts in January, and there are three vacant seats right now, so that’s Thor, Masako, and who else? Del maybe?

    Post back if you’re interested. Financial Aid is available.

  22. He sees you when you’re sleeping.
    He knows when you’re awake.
    Ya know he will give a cute bot,
    To every wee little tot…

  23. I couldn’t figure it out…

    I’m all alone in the office today…

    Coworkers all have their iChat status set to WAH (working at home)…

    Then I read CARS…

    Then I see my laptop has a glowing, pulsing, light … and I could swear I hear it purring …

    Then I notice all the laptops in my coworkers’ cubes have these little glowing, pulsing lights…

    Pulsing to the same rhythm as my laptop…

    Then it hits me…

    They CAN’T be working from home … their laptops are in their cubes…

  24. To show appreciation to the loyal readers of CARS, an unnamed corporation in Cupertino will be sending you certificates for monitors.

    Please report to the loading dock of your nearest Apple retailer, where you may be eligible to redeem certificates for an AppleVision (TM) 17′ CRT.

    Please Note: The loading dock has been designated as an iFlame-free zone. No one bearing an iFlame will be admitted beyond the security checkpoint(s).

    PS – Those who clear the security checkpoint(s) will be given a free pudding … and a complimentary Intel Inside (SM) forehead sticker.

    PPS – limit one per CARS reader.

  25. Sorry about the hiccup with WordPress.

    That was me.

    I accidentally unplugged the wrong cable when I was looking for a place to plug in the X-mas lights.

    [blushes and shuffles feet]

  26. I believe the word you’re looking for is parasite – a rare mineral consisting of cerium, lanthanum and calcium fluoro-carbonate. Obviously being used by the killer robots to construct a new super killer robot (or maybe just a larger killer robot).

  27. The day you stop writing Crazy Apple Rumors will be the true day of the Cyber Apocalypse.
    Please don’t stop if someone offers you a Cinema Display. Cross your fingers behind your back when accepting

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