02 Jan 08Robots Attack Apple! Again!

Cupertino police and Federal Emergency Management agents report today that One Infinite Loop was attacked by vicious killer robots bent on destroying Apple and bringing about a New Robot Order in which man serves machines. In this bleak, dystopian future, humans will slave in their solder mines and be forced to go to mate on command like laboratory animals as the robots watch and disapprovingly take notes, shaking their heads.

Yes, as you were snug in your beds in your footy jammies on Christmas eve dreaming of your Wiis and other marital aids, the fine people at Apple have been battling the robot terror.

That’s right. They were fighting the metal menace while you were all snug in your beds with visions of Jennifer fricking Connelly dancing in your heads.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Because there ain’t nothin’ wrong wit dat. If you know what I’m sayin’. And I think ya do.

Hence all the colloquialisms.

It’s currently difficult to get any good information as One Infinite Loop is effectively under robot blockade. No one has been able to break past their death-laser perimeter, although General Counsel Daniel Cooperman was allowed out briefly to turn off his car alarm after one of the robots bumped into his vehicle, accidentally setting it off. They exchanged insurance information and Cooperman returned to the building.

But why attack now? According to sources, the Apple sexbot project – while not yet ready for announcement at Macworld Expo in two weeks – has reached a critical milestone (completion of the “Wanda” and “Grant” model chassis) and will be ready far sooner than the so-called “experts” have predicted.

Well, OK, that might be the reason. It’s also possible they’re just stupid robot assholes who hate our liberties.

Or our libraries.

Or the fact that we’re made of meat.

Or maybe they don’t like carbon and are all like “Silicon is way better than carbon, man! Silicon rocks!” and don’t even know they’re punning because they’re humorless fucking robots.

It could be any or all of those reasons.

One thing is for certain, they are not acting randomly. They act with deliberate malice aforethought and the future of the company we know and love and hope will bring us shiny new crap we don’t need in two weeks is at stake. How Macworld Expo will even be possible if Apple employees can’t break free of the blockade is unknown.

Now is the time to act. Please, won’t you click on the PayPal link to the right and contribute to this site?

It, uh, has nothing to do with breaking the robot blockade, we could just use the money.

Christmas bills and all.

You understand.


What do you mean you gave it all to the lemurs?

No Responses to “Robots Attack Apple! Again!”

  1. Alex Kinnison says:

    Beware the true threat, the Meat Robots!

  2. MasonK says:

    The lemurs looked hungry…

  3. Loose Leaf says:

    Can we feed the robots to the lemurs?

    Does anyone know what lemurs eat?

    Number 3?

  4. Loose Leaf says:

    Oh yeah, awesome photo. Jobs is rockin’ that light saber.

  5. Huh? says:

    Yes. I do understand. And no, it didn’t ALL go to the lemurs. Alpacas too.

    Wait… I might have read that wrong…

    Oh well, not like anyone from North Carolina will read this anyway.

  6. CB says:

    Back again. 6

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    What if these robots aren’t evil or malicious. Could it be that they are acting under Asimov’s Zeroth Law, attacking humanity for the good of all?

    Discuss. (And show your work.)

  8. Piggy says:

    siete, feliz año nuevo

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    And no, I’m not a robot. A robot would not have omitted the missing question mark in my previous message.

  10. Sudo Nym says:

    Pffft! It’s Robbie the Robot and the robot from Lost in Space. This whole thing is clearly a misunderstanding and a gross over-reaction from anti-robot bigots. Those are loveable, friendly robots.

    Wake me up if Gort gets involved.

  11. digitalcowboy says:

    Bonus points for working “malice aforethought” into a vicious robot post.

    And Eleventy, I think.

  12. Lee says:

    OK, so I’m new here. I’ll take the bait. Click!

  13. digitalcowboy says:

    Smells like a promotional tie-in for “Wall•E” to me. Is Jobs ever gonna stop whoring himself for capitalist gain with all these revolutionary businesses he’s running?

    And, First! (Since nobody bothered.) The commenting here is becoming increasingly relevant instead of just foolish and silly. That can’t be good.

  14. Lee says:

    Malice and forethought? A thought for malice?

  15. Nxxx says:

    Sorry John. When I realised that I didn’t know what ‘dystopian’ meant, let alone pronounce it, I gave up.

  16. A righeous robo says:

    Did anyone notice that Adsense has moved to the right? Ya know, that PayPal mention made my eyes turn to the right. Am I robot too?

  17. Non-t says:

    where did the t’s go, righeous robo?

  18. Geogre says:

    And they’re stealing old people’s medicine for fuel!

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    That’s Chuck Norris in white… But why’s he doing the hokey cokey?

  20. TuCats says:

    @Huh? I have friends in Cary NC who tell me that Al Paca was a disciple of the Dali Llama, who then started the monastery at BelleauWood.

    On an unrelated note, I see that Katie Cotton (she of the cinnamon-bun hair) is summoning help from off-camera. Probably summoning Mossberg and Pogue to assist in the defense of the realm.

  21. Joe Anonymous says:

    Wait a second. That first robot looks suspiciously like Rob Enderle. And the second one looks like John Dvorak. There’s more to this than meets the eye……

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    There is this rumor being posted at sites like CARS that predicts Mr. Jobs will introduce at Macworld a new hobby to replace iTV. He’ll call it Scrapbooking, And it will actually be identical to the existing hobby, with nothing new or high-tech about it. Same old weird scissors.

  23. blank says:

    I was dystopian once, but some antacids fixed that right up.

  24. iMoo says:

    In actuality, NO-one is really from North Carolina… they all moved there from Florida. Except the hillbillies… and they don’t take too kindly to robots. So all’s good.

  25. Domo arigato, Mr. Obvious Song Reference.

    In other news, I heard a rumor that the sexbot project was going to use MultiTouch. Won’t that make it illegal in some states?

  26. Coolhandluke says:

    So that 60somethingoldguy is all about sex with robots. Sex is great. Robots are awesome. Sex with robots its intriguing. But 60somethingoldguy-sex-robots is disturbing. I… don’t like that thought… not at all.

    I totally missed the boat today. I fail.

  27. MilkAndChase says:

    If most teens have sex in their cars, and teens are the ones who are the most awesomest with the internet and computers, and we have flying cars … wow, that sounds great!

    The robots are right! Sexbots are too soon! Think of the next genereation! For the good of … um … our kids!

  28. Chris says:

    Princess Leia Organa Solo (nee Princess Leia Amidala Skywalker) is no help at all in this photo. What is she doing?

    But it’s cool that she works at Apple.

  29. Sudo Nym says:

    Breaking news: Apple beaten in race to develop sexbots!

    I’ve just visited Amazon.com, and was stunned by offers of a wide variety of sexbots!! Yes, just as they beat Apple to market with the Kindle, Amazon has won the race in the coveted sexbot…

    Oops, sorry. It’s “box sets”. Heh. Dyslexia.

    Never mind.

  30. Did I hear somebody mention my cousin William? He spent several weeks recently playing Santa for the young kids in the local shopping centre. While off-duty, his elves began to call him … Christmas Bill.

  31. Well, okay, things aren’t all THAT bad. I mean, they could be attacking Dell.

    On other fronts, it really could be THAT bad if it was malice aforeplay. I mean, how does one get jiggy with it if it’s preceeded by malice?

  32. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Footy is spelled with an ie, i.e. footie.

  33. Rip Ragged says:

    First to use the term “electret microphone” without a tilde.

    I’m sure the robots have a very good reason for attacking. After all, it’s late in the week, the price of oil is going up to almost $100 a barrel, Radio Shack hasn’t formed an anti-Apple strategic alliance with anyone yet. These are rough days for the ethnically mechanical.

    Have you priced radio-controlled cars lately? It’s awful.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, the clapper needs maintenance.

  34. Shagghie says:

    Lemurs: Apple multi-touch-screen display technology hint? Jazzmutant back stab, or just incidental environmentalist bellandry?

  35. It is so sad to see what you people consider “content”!

  36. claris-the-dog-cow says:

    System 7 Lives!

    [Bites Steve Ballmer on the leg]

  37. Bender says:


    As for Azimov’s Zeroth Law, it goes something like this:
    Humans suck.
    Kill all humans.

    If you have a problem with that, just try being a robot for a while!

  38. Daniel says:

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