Cupertino police and Federal Emergency Management agents report today that One Infinite Loop was attacked by vicious killer robots bent on destroying Apple and bringing about a New Robot Order in which man serves machines. In this bleak, dystopian future, humans will slave in their solder mines and be forced to go to mate on command like laboratory animals as the robots watch and disapprovingly take notes, shaking their heads.
Yes, as you were snug in your beds in your footy jammies on Christmas eve dreaming of your Wiis and other marital aids, the fine people at Apple have been battling the robot terror.
That’s right. They were fighting the metal menace while you were all snug in your beds with visions of Jennifer fricking Connelly dancing in your heads.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Because there ain’t nothin’ wrong wit dat. If you know what I’m sayin’. And I think ya do.
Hence all the colloquialisms.
It’s currently difficult to get any good information as One Infinite Loop is effectively under robot blockade. No one has been able to break past their death-laser perimeter, although General Counsel Daniel Cooperman was allowed out briefly to turn off his car alarm after one of the robots bumped into his vehicle, accidentally setting it off. They exchanged insurance information and Cooperman returned to the building.
But why attack now? According to sources, the Apple sexbot project – while not yet ready for announcement at Macworld Expo in two weeks – has reached a critical milestone (completion of the “Wanda” and “Grant” model chassis) and will be ready far sooner than the so-called “experts” have predicted.
Well, OK, that might be the reason. It’s also possible they’re just stupid robot assholes who hate our liberties.
Or our libraries.
Or the fact that we’re made of meat.
Or maybe they don’t like carbon and are all like “Silicon is way better than carbon, man! Silicon rocks!” and don’t even know they’re punning because they’re humorless fucking robots.
It could be any or all of those reasons.
One thing is for certain, they are not acting randomly. They act with deliberate malice aforethought and the future of the company we know and love and hope will bring us shiny new crap we don’t need in two weeks is at stake. How Macworld Expo will even be possible if Apple employees can’t break free of the blockade is unknown.
Now is the time to act. Please, won’t you click on the PayPal link to the right and contribute to this site?
It, uh, has nothing to do with breaking the robot blockade, we could just use the money.
Christmas bills and all.
What do you mean you gave it all to the lemurs?