23 Jan 08Apple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.

Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.

Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).

“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”

According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.

“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.

“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”

For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.

“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.

“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”

Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.

“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.

“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”

Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.

At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.

We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.

Happens all the time.

No Responses to “Apple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.”

  1. Pol Hode says:


  2. Biff Whammy says:

    Somebody should tell Peter that it’s just the pants he’s wearing. I mean, they’re not really cut right. In the wrong light, they do kind of make him look, well, I wouldn’t say fat, but maybe a bit pudgy. You know?

  3. Biff Whammy says:

    I mean, he’s beautiful inside. I should have said that.

  4. Don of Doom says:

    I would have been first post but I was having breakfast with Peter. All was going well until he asked how I wanted my eggs……

  5. Coolhandluke says:

    That means apple will be on the market again… DIBBS.

  6. Carbonfish says:


  7. zacksback says:

    Divorce??!!?? Well, what about the kids? Hmm? Thought about them? Probably not.
    Everyone is sooo self-centered. And what about Woz? and Woz’s
    Segway? And Woz on Woz’s Segway? Did they even pretend a thought
    about him and it?
    (Eggs? Used to be waffles….)

  8. CB says:

    Whew! made it again. What’s this about tonight?

  9. Huh? says:

    Sounds like he had more whine than wine…
    At least he was a cheap date….

    Hey! Leggo my Eggo™!!!!

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    Just between us, does this ass make my pants look fat?

  11. The Other Steve Ballmer says:

    No, I think your ass is taking care of that all by itself.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    So Apple’s giving conservative guidance for the next quarter, after the best quarter ever?

    We’re doomed, we’re all gonna die!

    Wait–they do that every quarter?

    Well, then, let me reiterate: We’re doomed, we’re all gonna die! Again!

  13. Nxxx says:

    I have been authorised to offer you the job of Restaurant Critic for the Croydon and Merton Bugle. Unfortunately the majority of eateries in this area cannot reach the Michelin Three Stars of the Palo Alto Cheesecake Factory but they would never query your expenses regarding Apple Pie.

  14. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    White Zinfandel ? What was the rest of the menu ?

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Yeah! I saw this on Jerry Springer this afternoon.

    That skanky ho Apple’s got a real potty mouth if you ask Fred. You know, Fred, that guy over there. Next to the cream cheese statue of Emil Zátopek.

  16. D0c Wolfram says:

    Top twenty? What, is everyone else on vacation?

  17. TuCats says:

    AAPL’s current market cap is about $118bn. Apple just reported having $18bn in the bank in cash. Just $100bn more and they can buy themselves out of the asylum.

    I hear Phil Schiller is considering getting a paper route in the afternoons to help out.

  18. kingthedestroyer says:

    They both complain a bicker, but it will all work out in THE END, as all things must. Top twenty a day later????????

  19. iMoo says:

    Dinner out… what’s the big deal??? I spent the holidays with Peter last month… you haven’t lived until he’s cooked dinner FOR you. Yum.

  20. appletoni says:

    Apple will always take the risk with new ways to better the already produced item such as the phone
    Now prices and deals are all over the place at the moment I think the count stands at about 3 free phones from the rivals (WOW). and so apple stock will rise and fall what I want to see from apple at the moment is a way to upgrade the apple tv to have access to the internet that would put apple tv at the top if it’s not already there. If any one can pull that off apple can do it . also that would go so nice with the wireless key board….. And what a hologram maybe in the works thank you steve jibs and the entire apple crew.