10 Jun 08Apple Community Develops Astounding Mutant Ability.

A breathtaking WWDC keynote – which saw the announcement of a new iPhone and mobile platform – under its belt, the Apple community was further astonished to learn that a number of its members have apparently developed a fantastic new mutant ability.

Known as “cancerdar”, it allows the individual with the necessary mutant x-gene to determine if a person has cancer just by looking at them.

It’s unknown how these individuals have had their mutant x-factor activated, but it’s thought that perhaps the electromagnetic fields generated by one or more Apple products is to thank.

“I’m constantly putting Apple products near my body,” said Apple customer Ian McCovey, who says he was recently granted uncanny cancerdar abilities. “Particularly my crotch. Over time, that’s gotta have some kind of effect on you. Right? I mean, I don’t know. I’m a graphic designer, not some kind of science guy.”

Regardless of how the amazing ability has been activated, researchers say it could prove vital in the fight against cancer.

Dr. Leon Taylor of the Mayo Clinic said “Previously this ability has only been seen in some dogs who can smell cancer in patients. This truly is a staggeringly important mutation and could be a great boon for early detection. It could change everything.

“Or, the other possibility is that these people are just talking out of their asses. In which case it’s just negligent and really annoying.”

Taylor’s caveat, however, has not chastened the newly mutated members of the Apple community.

“They say that with great power comes great responsibility,” McCovey said gravely.

“And I’m totally going to be really responsible about this as soon as I just do this one thing on Twitter.”

41 Responses to “Apple Community Develops Astounding Mutant Ability.”

  1. Brother Mugga says:

    I’ve never been first in my life.

    Haitus my arsus. What’s all this about then?

  2. sue says:

    Might be first……

  3. sue says:

    OK….. Second!

  4. Brother Mugga says:

    Also, what’s ‘Twitter’.

    Har har har har.

    God, I’m so bloody old.

    You kids have fun taking the piss out of Moltz for being a compulsive poster. Just don’t use text speak or I won’t get it. Not that I do anyway, nowadays.

  5. Brother Mugga says:

    Sue, what’s a nice girl like you doing lurking near an (allegedly) dead site like this, hmmm? I’m sad and therefore a lost cause, but surely you have something better to be getting on with?

    Incidentally, ignore the absence of a question mark in the previous post: it’s, er, British grammar.

  6. iMoo says:

    Top ten?!?!?

  7. Guillermo says:

    Are you sure they weren’t just using MIMvista’s crazy iPhone Tricorder app?

  8. sue says:

    Too hot here to do anything but lurk….
    And nobody would let me borrow a pony so I could go find a life.

  9. Major Flatus says:

    What’s so mutant about the ability to smell? I smell all the time.

  10. ripragged says:

    Oddly, all I could spot is malnutrition and the need to invest in a fresh can of Foamy.

  11. Major Flatus says:

    Just what is the preferred Apple product for one’s crotch, anyway?

    Perhaps the iBrator?

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yqN6749QqtA

  12. Apple Lopsider says:

    If we can somehow study this ability, somehow document and quantify it, maybe we can somehow harness its power to provide some kind of benefit for mankind. I have no idea what that would be. A 4 ft chicken, maybe?

    I don’t know. It’s my best guess, ok?

    Dammit, Jim, I’m a pundit, not a commentator.

  13. Magnanimous Wang says:

    John Moltz is John Gruber!

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Actually my thoughts were that He’s looking more and more like Davros.

    And if Bertrand Serlet isn’t a Dalek … well… we all need to review our concept of reality.

  15. Steve G. says:

    @5: This site is not dead. It’s pining for the fjords!

  16. Moof says:

    four squared!

  17. Huh? says:

    Um.. Yeah. This ‘hiatus’ is starting to look a bit suspect.
    Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
    Just keep on posting, John.

    Oh BTW, the cake is a lie.

  18. iMoo says:

    Hello Huh?, cheesecake is no lie…

    Cheesecake is gooooood.

    BTW- Beat ya again!

  19. […] Somebody came back from hiatus just to report on this Moltz is a Frickin’ Genius. […]

  20. Rip Ragged says:

    I thought only Jennifer did any frickin’ around here.

    And by the way, I didn’t get my cake. I swear I’ll quit if the perks don’t start showing up around here.

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    People, it’s called Gaunt Chic.

    Now that supermodels are allowed to have fat content, it’s already time to swing back the other way.

  22. Nxxx says:

    ON YOUR KNEES AND WORSHIP.

    THE KEY LOCK IS STUCK. BLOODY APPLE PRODUCTS.

  23. Sudo Nym says:

    I feel astonishingly cancer-free right now. Because I’m fat. Horribly, horribly, fat.

    I’ll probably live forever. Won’t that be fun.

  24. Candace says:

    It’s hard out here for a pimp.

  25. blank says:

    The secret to the diet involves two rubber bands and a particle accelerator. It isn’t for the faint of heart!

    (so caught off-guard by a new CARS post that I’m recycling comments)

  26. zacksback says:

    John Moltz is not John Gruber.
    John Gruber is a lot smarter and much better looking.
    I wear my Daring Fireball t-shirt everywhere.
    I can be bought.
    Cheap. Obviously.

    (still can’t find any rubber bands)

  27. […] mean, if the best Moltz could do is a comment about people’s Steve Jobs watching, then what do you really expect from a hack like me?  WWDC conference was boring.  ”Blah […]

  28. Nxxx says:

    How dare you?
    Criticising either The Blessed Saint Steve or his Vicar on Earth, The Blessed John Moltz, will ensure the everlasting torture of using ONLY Vista O/S and Zune players.

  29. blank says:

    There’s always the first-gen iPod in a gym sock option. I suppose one could substitute a zune, but it wouldn’t have the same impact.

    The first step is admitting we have a problem, I suppose.

  30. J0n says:

    Triple Eleven!

  31. nonlinearG says:

    “an Apple spokeswoman said Jobs was hit with a “common bug” in recent weeks”

    Probably using vIsta with bOotcamp. They are all too common in that situation.

  32. isawhim says:

    moltz was shacked up with a friend of mine. she’s an erotic dancer.
    she was greatly missed.

  33. Daid Nunez says:

    Daid Says:

    Moltz is a Star Trek Geek. Phasers on stun. He’s got a big box of toys and thousands of comics wrapped in plastic. Plus, he never bought my top quality dirt.
    Daid

  34. Hactarux says:

    I prefer gaydar to cancerdar..

  35. Joanna says:

    Wait… is this about the rumors regarding you-know-who’s health? I heard the “C” word isn’t even allowed among Mac insiders anymore.

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