High Above Seattle, Bezos Plots a Product Launch

[Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to introduce its new contributing reporter, Stock Photo Guy! Please see the staff page for more information!]

Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos announced a new version of the Kindle designed to compete with an array of tablet computers being released at an announcement held at the company’s Seattle headquarters, high above the city. Dubbed the Krampus, the device will feature 16 GB of built-in memory, a high-resolution LCD screen, and random painful electric shocks.

Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com and the world’s only known giraffe billionaire, runs the company from what’s known locally as “Lex Luthor’s Secret Lair on the Hill.” “Technically, I bought it from The Legion of Cobras, not Lex Luthor, but it was his first,” Bezos told assembled reporters. “And it’s hardly secret! Brrraaaaaahhaaa haaaaaa!”

Reporters were invited into a large auditorium in a previously undisclosed cavern 20 stories below the parking garage. After signing an NDA, journalists were shackled and chained.

Bezos was visibly excited about the new offering. “Behold! My iSlate killer!” he said, whipping a cloth from a small computing device. When an AP reporter told Bezos that the iSlate was just part of a domain name that Apple had likely registered in anticipation of possible names, and that Apple never names things as awkwardly as the iSlate or the Kindle, Bezos grew enraged, and shot rays of pure energy from his fingers. The AP reporter and several others in his vicinity were broken down into a pile of aromatic hydrocarbons.

“You fool! Don’t you think I know that!” Bezos screamed and cackled. Sort of a braying screaming cackle. It’s hard to describe, and reporters found that what with the shackles preventing notes and restricting circulation, that it became increasingly difficult to write dispassionately and descriptively.

“My spies — AppleInsider, MacNN, Gizmodo, Engadget, and John C. Welch — have revealed all the details of the new tablet that that nincompoop Steve Jobs will announce in two weeks. But I have the upper hand! Haw haw haaaaaa haw haw!”

Bezos demonstrated the featureset of the Krampus on unwilling press and analysts. “The high-contrast screen allows you to view horrific videos even when placed inches from your eyelids, forced open by clamps,” Bezos explained.

The potential market interest in screen-only devices that could be ebook readers as well as general-purpose computers has recently dimmed sales potential of the Kindle, leading to subterranean development efforts.

“My spies have been unable to penetrate 1 Infinite Loop, which is surrounded by an ionized causal nexus,” Bezos explained, while casually snapping the neck of a Gizmodo blogger. “However, I possess the Eye of Ayn Rand — really, it’s literally her eye — which revealed to me the dimensions, features, and cost of goods.”

Bezos shot 20 feet in the air on rocket-powered boots, and fired flechettes that struck and killed analysts from Gartner, IDG, and the Enderle Group. “This will destroy Apple’s iSlate,” said Rob Enderle, before expiring noisily.

While the market potential for tablet computers remains to be exploited, under any name, Amazon’s entry into the market, coupled with 100,000 soldier marketers training in distribution centers around the country may overwhelm Apple’s hundreds of stores.

Bezos displayed a map of the United States on which Apple Stores were located on the Krampus, and then use multi-finger gestures to trigger missiles and other explosives to destroy the stores and all matter in a half-mile radius around each shop.

The Krampus will have a 10.5-inch diameter LCD, a touch screen, 16 GB of storage, and both Wi-Fi and a cellular connection, and ship with a library of tens of millions of books forcibly scanned from libraries and publishers around the world. Pricing is yet to be determined, but it will be somewhere between 50% of your annual earnings and your immortal soul.

As the press conference concluded, Bezos engaged his shielding and deadly neutrino energy flooded the cavern. Shielded behind Enderle — a Microsoft Research cyborg made mostly of lead and beryllium — I alone survived to tell the tale.

59 thoughts on “High Above Seattle, Bezos Plots a Product Launch”

  1. Hah! I told you nothing could go wrong with the ‘mock Moltz’ strategy, Steve G.

    Although I’m presuming ‘analysts’ is pluralised in the post for reasons of grammar, rather than numbers, in the case of the Enderle ‘Group’.

  2. 15th!

    Brother, mocking Moltz led to Stock Photo Guy. Bring back The Entity! And what about JFC?!?

    I’m not sure who’s the bigger douche: Stock Photo Guy or Enderle. SPG looks like someone who’s tweeting too hard.

    I’m torn. Literally. (Sexbot testing going slightly awry.) Can someone bring me my right arm? It’s difficult to type one-handed.

  3. Where’s Masako? What happened to Masako? Does she really play for the other team? I bet I can change that.

    Wait, tried that once in college. Didn’t work out so well for me. Damnit. Guess I’ll have to focus my Asian chic fetish elsewhere, like on Lucy Lu. Hmmmmm … Lucy Lu …

  4. Dear tk9988,

    “前列腺炎” = “Prostatitis”

    Sorry to hear it, friend. Those of us who are “equipped” send you our best wishes for a speedy recovery.

  5. [Bowing] At your service!

    You haven’t seen me lately ’cause I’ve been busy working with the unicorn.

    By the way… how did you know?

  6. Hey, Ace! You’re avatar is cool! Er, I mean, (sorry about the atrocious pun) I like it!

    How did you do it?

  7. This is definitely getting too regular. What with both Sue and the Rabbit back as well? Near daily posts? What’s going to happen when it all goes away again? It don’t think I can take that kind of rejection…

    Oh, Mr.Stock Photo Guy… you might consider changing the meds.
    Even my Pants™ think so.

  8. Begga, don’t worry. It’s not a 10.5″ _diameter_ screen. It’s a 10.5″ _radius_ screen. Almost 2 feet of round glory! There’s an app that will allow it to double as a pizza warming device. Mmmm, pizza!

  9. Well, when I get my tablet/slate/pad whatever, I’ll be to busy playing with it and I won’t have time to play with you guys.

    So there, Johnny-boy.

  10. @Benny: go to gravatar.com. That’s what I did, and they took good care of me. Now I’m rich and handsome, and popular with the girls.

    Except for the handsome part. And the rich part, too, now that I think about it.

    And about that “popular” thing: nuh-uh.

  11. I hope APPL has enough money in the bank to pay the big fine when they loose the giant class action suit for not managing our hopes, dreams and expectations of their non-announced, non-product!

  12. I see Sue and Rabbit are at it again.

    I have a pun prepared. It’s obvious, hackneyed, and has already been deployed twice in the last few years on CARS if memory serves.

    Yes . . . were *is* Masako? I hear they’re hiring Halo geeks currently . . . maybe they’re working on “Marathon 3D: This time it’s personal (computing software)”.

    And I’ve decided I *like* Stock Photo Guy. He’s going to be my friend. Forever. Not least because he looks like a young Huey Lewis taking an impromptu dump. And *really* enjoying it. What’s not to like?

  13. Yeah, Stock Photo Guy is no Thor Sampson. But then, even Thor Sampson is no Thor Sampson — he’s more of a Hercules Bond.

    Or a Sherlock Spock, or a Hitler Ghandi.

  14. Brother — I thought that pose was more of a “Dude! I just had sex with your girlfriend! Boo-yah!” kind of a pose. I believe you have a term for it on the other side of the pond: wanker.

    Ace — To borrow from MST3K, what about “Big McLargeHuge?”

  15. Hey, it’s certainly not because I have nothing to say that I will stop. Take that for granted.
    And, I think it is a little gross not to count the comments. I could say «First», and noone could deny it.

  16. Excellent use of the term ‘wanker’, Steve.

    Although I feel ‘tosser’ might be equally appropriate here.

    Possibly preceded by ‘complete’.

  17. Actually, that stock photo chappie looks ripe for a bit of CARS captioning, if you ask me. Which I just did.

    Would like to start, Mugga?

    Why certainly.

    “Oh yeah, take *that* Invisible Woman. Oh yeah, baby! Ho-rarrr!”

  18. Moltz…

    Are you still playing Myth II? Is anyone? Do I need to dust off the old disks and get my unit formations edited for net play?

  19. Brother – Which is the more derogative term: wanker or tosser?

    Is Stock Photo Guy royalty free? Or does Moltz (or The Brains) have to pay up every time when mention him?

Comments are closed.