Schiller Describes Wild Weekend

According to sources close to Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, the Apple executive had a wild weekend as he followed the San Jose Sharks go from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat.

“Friday night was awesome!” Schiller told his moderately interested coworkers. “The Sharks were down five times and rallied back each time! I just about lost it when Pavelski tied it up in the last minute of regulation.

“And when Setoguchi scored the winning goal… well, me and my hockey buddies — Donnie, Automatic Tony and the Spaz — well, we just went berserk.”

Schiller sheepishly admitted he may have had a little too much to drink on Friday night.

“We partied hard after that one! After we left the [HP] Pavilion, we just hit one bar after the next! But we were on cloud nine, I tell you what. Most of that night’s a complete blur! Ha-ha! I seem to remember a goat and some clowns or… no, mimes! Oh, my god, it was mimes! Ha-ha!


The man in charge of Apple’s global corporate marketing efforts said he spent most of Saturday “sleeping it off” but then was back at it to watch Sunday’s Sharks loss with his friends in C & J’s, a Cupertino sports bar.

“Sunday was a major letdown and we had to drown our sorrows. We drank until C & J’s closed and then walked along the railroad tracks, drinking some more. The Sharks are in a hole now so they’ll just have to go out there and give it their best. That’s all they can do. That’s all any of us can do.”

Schiller paused before continuing.

“Me and my buddies, we’ve followed the Sharks through some tough times. Donnie’s divorce. When Tony got laid off at the mill. The Spaz’s repeated suicide attempts. My LASIK surgery. Tough times.

“Watching the Sharks and blowin’ off steam, that’s just how we do.”

Schiller fell silent for a moment, looking reflective on the sport and what it says about the human condition.

Suddenly his hand felt for his pocket.


“Anyone seen my phone?”

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