The world of mobile telecommunications was shocked this morning to discover that former AT&T Mobility CEO Stan Sigman is not the man people thought he was.
Just 12 hours after the event honoring his induction into the Wireless Hall of Fame and his rambling 5-hour acceptance speech, Stan Sigman was revealed to be not a man at all but a piece of performance art.
Speaking to gathered media, San Francisco performance artist Julian Leflaunt said that for the past 40 years, he has been playing the part of “Stan Sigman” as part of a piece entitled “Corporate ‘Leadership’ and The Folly of the American Enterprise”.
“I created everything about Stan,” said Leflaunt. “From his horrible public speaking ability to his post-retirement goatee.”
Working as a Bell stockman the 1960s, Leflaunt says, he became aware of the vapid nature of our vaunted executive class.
“I was determined to show the CEO for what he was: a long-winded oaf concerned with nothing more than achieving personal glory off the back of the worker. These emperors of our economy have no clothes, I thought, and I set out to devote my life to showing them to the rest of the world as I saw them.”
Cleverly manipulating the bureaucracy at Bell, Leflaunt recast himself as “Stan Sigman”, the name being a play on “standard signal man”, which the artist says represented the conformity enforced by corporate America on the proletariat.
So his life’s work began. But then, Leflaunt said, something strange happened.
“As much as I wanted to hate him, I grew to love Stan,” he said. “My feelings for him as a rising CEO did not change — I still believed him to be the most useless of cogs in the capitalist machine — but as a person I found him to be sympathetic and even tragic. His love of golf for its moments of platonic camaraderie and closeness with other men, a closeness he always craved from his father but never got. His passion for quarter horses, driven by his recurring childish fantasies of being a cowboy on the frontier of the late 1800s. The more I rounded out his character, the sadder he became to me.”
Leflaunt admits that the piece got out of hand.
“I really had no intentions of carrying it on for more than 40 years,” Leflaunt said. “But I couldn’t stop. I needed to see how it ended! And then the iPhone deal just fell into my lap.”
Leflaunt was concerned the deal was almost his undoing.
“I was frightened that I had overplayed my hand at Macworld Expo in 2007,” Leflaunt said. “I wanted to deliver a truly dreadful speech, I felt that was important to the piece, but when I shook Steve Jobs’ hand after I was done, I thought I saw him give me a look. I flew home in a cold sweat.”
For his part, Jobs says he was completely unaware that the man he had worked with on the most significant product release of the decade was an utter fabrication.
“I had no idea,” said a disbelieving Steve Jobs. “I mean, one time he was chuckling in the middle of a meeting for no discernible reason, but… wow. Incredible. My hat’s off to him.
“Anyway, this totally voids our exclusivity deal with AT&T so… Verizon iPhone in January.”
Asked what he will work on next, Leflaunt says he plans on taking his first vacation in 40 years, claiming the others were in character so they don’t count. Then he plans to devote time to cat memes on the Internet.
“That’s where all the cutting-edge work is being done nowadays,” he said.
Uh, first?
This is the best piece of writing I’ve seen in ages. Possibly ever.
Woo Hoo, number 2!
Crap
IT BURNS!!
Posting fourth and drinking a fifth. I think.
Damn asynchronous Internet.
Number whatever. So how many comments did we have to post?
I’ll bet Julian Leflaunt is also Kateb (for you Rubicon watchers).
Sue, it was 162 comments to this post, but Moltz could have started writing it earlier than that.
That makes sense. He started writing it at 113, but after the case of beer, and re-re-re-writing it, it lasted until 162.
In honor of this momentous occasion, I shall now toss several lemmings into the anti-functional iTunnel.
*BAMF*
*BAMF* *BAMF*
*BAMF BAMF BAMF*
Strange… usually there’s popping and furry bits all around by this point.
Well, I’ll have my Pantsâ„¢ check it out.
12!!!!!!!!!!!
eew… I think I stepped in something.
So should we try again for 113? Or just push thru to 162? Or just pick a number and concentrate on bending John to our collective wills?
Hmmmm. Given that Moltz is Gruber, it seems as though one can read quite a bit “between the lines” of this article, so to speak.
If not Hmmmm, then perhaps Huh?
How did they sneak a woman into that wireless hall of fame? That’s just crazy. At least everyone there is as white as frickin’ possible. I must admit, however, to being more than a little surprised there’s only one cowboy hat.
O fer god’s sake.
I stop wittering on like a muppet to do some actual *work* and suddenly I’m post number %%$**””!
Squared.
Where’s Nxxx and . . . oh *bugger* how did Ace get first!?
It’s called prescience.
Ace is Moltz is Gruber?
Ok, that’s just wrong.
Huh?, somewhere Magnanimous Wang’s head exploded from contemplating that possibility.
*peeking in*
Did any of you just hear a loud popping sound?
No, not yet… and I’m getting a bit concerned.
You swine Moltz. All those years of research out of the window.
Now I don’t know who I am.
All this time I thought Stan Sigman was Buck Henry in disguise.
Then who is Buck Murdock?
I’d like to hear about candidates for the Wired Hall of Fame — perhaps Moltz after an extra tall double shot, a bag of Oreos and a Mountain Dew.
Could Ace be the ‘Brains’?
Or just Gruber’s brain?
What if… all of us are the brains, and just didn’t know it?
Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
My god . . . you know what this means?
We’re. Giving. Moltz. Money. For this tat.
Aaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I just felt a sharp pain in my wallet.
What I want to know, is why is Steve Ballmer still pretending to be someone?
Wednesday till i die !!!!!
I remember seeing an entry in the Alfred University catalog back in 1992 that described their exhibition of “performance neon,” where artists cavorted about with illuminated (noble) gas lights. Pretty hazardous, when you consider the voltages and glass tubes involved — kinda like those guys who juggle flaming torches.
Incidentally… brilliant article, John…
Don’t encourage John, Benny. He’ll get all excited and post again before our 113 lucky streak.
Which only lasted one board.
But still.
Actually, while we’re at it, can we all try and push John to a regular ‘111’ re-post. It’s called a ‘Nelson’ in cricket.
Nxxx will tell you why…
I’ll do my bit towards 111 or 113. But what is a Nelson? Or I’m a better off not knowing?
Nxxx? Exercise caution. There are ladies present.
*BAMF!*
Squeek?
Squeek squeek squeek, squeek?
Squeek.
*scampers off into a dark corner*
Bro- What about our Aussie friends? They only have to hit 87…
And I’m not going to post with one foot off the ground.
87… would that qualify as a half nelson?
No, still a full Nelson, but Aussie-style.
My Pantsâ„¢ are quite sure about this one.
Nelson? Surely not Nelson Gabriel of the Archers?
Your Pantsâ„¢ are quite correct, Huh?
And Mister Gabriel may not have had one arm and one leg, but he certainly was one ar–
blah blah blah… whatever…
Martinis for everyone!!!!
*off to slur my speech*
Could I have a root beer instead? Maybe with some ice cream?
That’s strange. Just Saturday I had the second martini of my life. I’m averaging one martini every 29 years. I feel so sophisticated!
That makes you 29 years old, Ace.
I did warn your mother that feeding you a Martini immediately after birth would turn you into an alcoholic.
Um… Ya’ll might want to politely avoid iMoo for a bit.
She’s been running around with pointy sticks all day….
Not much for Martinis myself. More of a Margarita kinda guy.
>>>>>
2 shots Don Eduardo Anjeo Tequila
1 shot Grand Mariner
1 shot fresh lime juice
1 shot fresh lemon juice
shake well in ice, serve on the rocks, with no salt.
Interesting, that no one I know likes this recipe with salt. I think this Tequila is just too good for salt…
Pfft. Tequila with attitude. What’s the world coming to?
Nxxx . . . what were you doing hanging round at the birth of Ace.
Is there an ‘Empire Strikes Back’ moment approaching for you two?
PS: See how I avoided a tasteless pun around your ‘after birth’ construction. This is the New Me. Honest.