Oh, what the hell.
10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.
10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.
10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.
10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!
10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.
10:38 – FEED IS DOWN TEMPORARILY. WE NOW SWITCH YOU LIVE TO THE GIZMODO COVERAGE.
Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.
10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.
10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.
10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”
10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.
10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?
11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.
11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.
11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.
11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.
11:25 – Facebook. Barf.
11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!
11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”
11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!
11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”
11:54 – Tim Cook returns to deliver One More Thing! LIVE SNAKES! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! OH, GOD, THE SNAKES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! HELP ME! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AND TRAMPLING OVER EACH OTHER! OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’VE BEEN BITTEN BY WHAT I BELIEVE IS A CORN SNAKE. I’M… I’M FADING… PEOPLE RUSHING PAST. ANOTHER SNAKE IS NEAR MY FACE. OH, NO. DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO