Author: CARS Staff

Satan Has .Mac Account

After revelations by Wired that Saddam Hussein’s son has a Microsoft .NET account in violation of U.S. law, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Satan, also known as Lucifer, the Father of Lies and the Adversary, has a .Mac account.

Apple officials were at a loss to explain how the Wicked One was able to obtain the account, but stressed that they did not expect to take any action to terminate it.

“Unlike what Microsoft has allowed to happen,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “there’s really no law against giving Satan a .Mac account. That’s more of an unwritten law.”

“Plus, uh, not a lot of people were willing to pay for .Mac, so we’ve kind of been taking what we can get.”

“I like to use it to post my pictures,” the Prince of Darkness said, pulling up his home page on his PowerBook. “See, here’s me during the Black Plague. Here’s me during the Spanish Inquisition. Here’s me in the Killing Fields in Cambodia. Here’s me at the Microsoft verdict.”

“Good times. Good times.”

Through means unknown to mortal men, Satan was able to obtain a PowerBook running at 666 MHz.

“For a while they were selling them running at 667 MHz, but I really wanted one running at exactly 666 MHz. I’m kind of particular that way.”

“And, what do you know, a few lies, a few enticements, and voila! The PowerBook of the Devil. The only problem is I have to make it last until they reach 666 GHz. Oh, well. Sucks to be me!”

Satan also indicated he uses .Mac to back up his evil data.

“Hell is an all-Windows shop and my IT minions won’t let me connect my PowerBook to the network,” the Son of Perdition explained. “I ought to just rip them into tiny pieces. Who are they to tell me what to do?”

“But, since I can’t get my machine backed up down here, Apple’s Backup application allows me to make sure my evil data is recoverable. I also use iCal to track when I have to claim a soul.”

“Ooh, which reminds me, I’ve gotta get going or I’ll be late to pick up, uh…”

Quickly consulting iCal, Beelzebub said “Steve Lyndhurst of 364 Maple Drive, Omaha, Nebraska.”

“See? This .Mac account is a life saver!”

“Ha! Well, unless you’re Steve Lyndhurst! Am I right?!”

Jaguar Release To Include Real Jaguars.

Excited about tomorrow night’s release of Mac OS X 10.2, code named “Jaguar”, Mac users where shocked to learn today that as part of a promotional gimmick, Apple will be releasing real jaguars in every Apple Store.

Located in the fine print of Apple’s Jaguar release announcement is the footnote “*Includes the release of live jaguars. C’mon down!”

Responding to criticism from Macintosh users and consumer safety groups, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said “Boy, you people just complain about everything, don’t you. ‘.Mac costs too much!’ ‘Jaguar costs too much!’ ‘I’m a-scared of live jaguars!’”

Jobs downplayed the danger involved in releasing jaguars in malls across the nation and denied it would be akin to setting up a giant buffet for the animals.

“Don’t be a bunch of sissies!” Jobs said. “A maharishi in India taught me how to wrestle them years ago. Or maybe it was my spirit guide in the Brazilian rainforest… Well, whatever. It’s easy!”

“The secret,” Jobs explained slowly, “is to not let them bite you. OK?”

“Oh, and watch out for the claws, too. They’re like razors. Rowr! Ha-ha!”

Industry analysts suspect this last-minute stunt may be a sign Apple is not entirely sure OS X 10.2 is bug-free.

“By keeping people away from the Apple Store,” the New York Times’ David Pogue speculated, “they reduce the number of people buying the update and the possibility of wide-spread negative backlash.”

Apple representatives denied this was the case.

“I wish it were that simple,” Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. “It’s really just that Steve has this whole ‘Jaguar’ thing going on.”

“He’s always saying things like ‘Did you know the jaguar is the largest cat in the Americas?’ Or ‘Did you know the word jaguar means a beast that kills its prey with one bound?'”

“Yes, Steve. We know. You’ve only told us fifty times.”

“Anyway,” Schiller sighed, “we’re still counting on people to come out and pick up a copy of Jaguar. But, if you’re a slow runner or you have an open wound or have recently handled raw meat, feel free to order a copy from the Apple Store online instead.”

Apple suggests that those planning on attending the release of Jaguar arrive in the middle of the day, when the sun is hot and the jaguars prefer to rest rather than hunt. Also, people should wear multiple layers of thick clothing and leave small children at home.