In a rare capitulation, Apple announced today that it would be reviving an old standby, purely to silence to a small but noisy – and possibly insane – subgroup of customers.
The statement read in its entirety:
OK, god damn it, yes, we will create a version of HyperCard for OS X and update it in perpetuity!!! OK?! Now will you shut the hell up and leave us alone?!
In sure sign that no good deed ever goes unpunished, it was the release of Bento that was the final straw in the metaphorical camel’s back.
After yesterday’s announcement of Bento, FileMaker and Apple support were flooded with queries asking if it imported HyperCard stacks and if not, why not? And why not why not? And, well, just what was Apple’s continuity plan for HyperCard on Leopard anyway? And are you going to finish those fries? I know they fell on the floor, but they’re perfectly good and you wouldn’t want to waste them like you wasted the awesomest application ever and… hey, where are you going?!
“These people are relentless!” said an exasperated senior vice president of applications Sina Tamaddon. “They’re way worse than Newton users. They’re like zombies! These people show up at your house!
“I literally got down on my knees and begged [CEO] Steve [Jobs] to let someone spend a couple of hours to port it to OS X.”
HyperCard fans were typically self-righteous about the announcement.
“Apple has seen the error of its ways,” said Lester Poindexter, president of the HyperCard Users Group Of The World, As Represented By A Heavily Pixellated Image Of A Map Of The Globe In This Cool HyperCard Stack Where You Can Click On Each Country And It Will Show You Information About That Country And It Only Took Me Like Five Minutes To Make Because HyperCard Is That Easy And Cool.
Pushing his glasses up on his nose and hiking his pants to a height that usually requires submitting a flight plan to the FAA, Poindexter then insisted the rest of the interview be done through an interactive HyperCard stack it only took him “like five minutes to put together, tops.”
“Clearly, we were able to sway Apple with the logic of our argument that HyperCard is the bestest rapid development environment ever,” Poindexter’s stack said. “And all it took was hiding in Sina Tamaddon’s bathtub a few times to make it happen.”
This was followed by an animation of Poindexter’s head popping up from a bathtub.
Neither Poindexter or his stack were humble in the face of victory.
“This is just as my stack and I have been saying every five minutes for the last 15 years,” Poindexter said. “Isn’t that right, stack?”
The stack then emitted what sounded like a poorly recorded system sound of R2-D2 chirping.
HyperCard X is expected to be released really soon because Apple just can’t take this shit anymore.