Category: Apple Executives

In a stunning conclusion to years of wild, unsubstantiated speculation about various firms possibly buying Apple, the firm was bought late today buy the nation of Canada.

According to sources, the weakening of the U.S. dollar against the Canadian dollar finally drove the purchasing power of the lower 50’s frigid and drunken stepsister to the north high enough to make the buyout attractive.

“We’re pleased to announce that Apple is now owned by the people of Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We figured we were going to buy a mess of iPods anyway, so why not just buy Apple? We also bought a couple of jars of barbecue sauce and reacquired Wayne Gretzky.”

According to Harper, Canada has had its eye on Apple for several years now, viewing acquisition as its only recourse to what it perceives as numerous slights inflicted by the company.

“We got the iTunes Store after almost every other industrialized nation,” Harper noted. “I actually think Burkina Faso got their iTunes Store before we did. And then they were going to shaft us on the iPhone? Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

It’s unknown exactly what this means for Jobs, but it seems likely that he will not be comfortable working for 33 million Mountie humpers. Further, it seems logical to conclude that once Jobs steps down, the most likely choice for a replacement as CEO would be Canada’s native son, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller.

It is known that the company will be rebranded “Maple”, as apple trees cannot grow in Canada’s frozen tundra.

In a disturbing incident that has shocked the Apple campus, the reanimated corpse of Steve Wozniak – who was put down just yesterday – attacked vice president of worldwide iPod product marketing Greg Joswiak and consumed his brain.

Strangely, Joswiak was listed as “in stable condition” at El Camino Hospital.

Dr. Peter Nesbitt said “Anyone who’s watched Star Trek knows that the human body can live without a brain for up to 24 hours.

“Granted, in this case the brain hasn’t been stolen to be used as a computer by aliens, it’s been consumed by a flesh-eating zombie. Still, it’s possible we could find a suitable replacement brain. Say, that of senior director iPod product marketing Stan Ng.”

Nesbitt wasn’t exactly sure what to replace Ng’s brain with.

“Uh, I was sort of just thinking that we’d work our way down. I don’t know who’s below Stan. Maybe someone could forward me an org chart.”

Nesbitt said the last person gets the evil goat’s brain.

It’s still unknown exactly who reanimated Woz and why zombie Woz sought out the brain of Joswiak. As As The Apple Turns reported years ago, Joswiak is the result of gene splicing between Woz and Jobs, leading to two possible conclusions. Either zombie Woz was seeking to restore decayed parts of his own brain with fresh Woz brain matter or he was trying to exact revenge on Jobs’ brain matter.

Exacting revenge on Jobs himself is problematic as he is guarded 24/7 by an elite team of lesbian ninja sexbots.

Chief suspects in the reanimation are Dell CEO Michael Dell, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and Haitian voodoo priest Jean-Paul Rauchamp.

Apple declined to comment other than to scream “OH, MY GOD! HE ATE HIS BRAIN! DID YOU SEE THAT?! OH, MY GOD!”

On the plus side, sources who witnessed the attack say Woz now actually smells better than when he was alive.

CEO Steve Jobs regretfully announced today that he was forced to have Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak put down this afternoon.

At a brief press conference on the Apple campus, Jobs was uncharacteristically somber.

You could tell because he was wearing a black mock turtleneck.

“It had become painfully clear that Woz was a liability for this company and its investors,” Jobs said, clearly referring to comments Woz recently made claiming that Apple probably dropped the iPhone price because it had too much inventory.

“It pained me to do it, but there was really no other option. We had let an untenable situation go on long enough.

“Plus, he was starting to smell funny.”

Jobs went on to say that he consulted with other Apple executives and alumni and they all agreed that it would best if people didn’t have to see Woz this way.

Or, really, any way anymore.

“He was like a Rob Enderle savant,” said Andy Hertzfeld.

“Pretty much everything he said about the company in the past 10 years was wrong. And since Jobs actually negotiated for a controlling interest in Woz back in the late 1970s, it was his right to have him put down any time he wanted.

“And what the hell was that smell, anyhow? It was like used floss. You ever smell used floss? Holy crap, what a horrid stench.”

Apple said that in lieu of flowers, people should just buy an iPhone.

“That’s what Woz would have wanted,” Jobs said, wiping an imaginary tear from is eye.

Another odd moment from Tuesday’s unveiling that several sites noticed was Steve Jobs’ use of the term “Web 2.0”. Many expressed surprise that Jobs would stoop to using such cheap industry jargon, but sources say the mercurial Apple CEO has been doing this with increasing regularity.

“I’m not sure but I think someone might have left a copy of Business 2.0 in his office or something,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “I walked by there the other day and I heard him say ‘That paradigm is a total meme.’ That doesn’t even make any sense.

“At least I don’t think it does.”

Oddly, Schiller said, Jobs wasn’t on the phone and had no one in his office.

“I think he was just trying it out. There might even have been a mirror on his desk.”

Chief operating officer Tim Cook said he heard Jobs say “We’re gonna mashup that SOA and deploy it throughout the enterprise on a go-forward basis.”

“The weird thing is,” Cook said, “He was talking to some squirrels on the campus.

“But Steve works in mysterious ways,” Cook noted, nodding sagely.

“Plus, I think some of those squirrels are venture capitalists. And venture capitalists eat that shit up with a spoon.”

Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did send over some business plans that consisted of spreadsheets, graphs about market penetration and a bunch of completely incomprehensible gibberish.