Category: Apple Executives

In a disappointing sign of Apple’s executive team’s ability to effectively manage the company, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell had what child psychologists call “a tantrum” this afternoon.

According to sources, when told that his division would not be receiving the revenue for the iPhone upon its release, Fadell stomped his feet in protest.

“But it’s an iPod!” Fadell said. “It plays music!”

“Well,” CEO Steve Jobs explained gently, “So does the Mac. But the iPhone’s in a category of its own. For the time being, [COO] Tim [Cook]’s going to get the revenue.”

“But it’s an iPod!” whined an increasingly pouty Fadell.

“Uh, no it’s not,” Jobs said.

“Is so, is so, IS SO!” Fadell yelled, dropping to the floor and pounding it with his fists.

“It’s not really his fault,” Jobs said. “He had a lot of sugar earlier and didn’t get a nap.”

But Fadell isn’t the only executive with maturation issues. According to sources:

• Tim Cook “acts out” in senior staff meetings.
• Ron Johnson is on ritalin.
• Donald Rosenberg sometimes doesn’t “use his words.”
• Bertrand Serlet runs like a girl.

Apple’s stock dropped five points on the news, without the help of Engadget.

Former Apple CFO Fred Anderson, in a statement released after his settlement with the SEC, said that he was directed by CEO Steve Jobs to inappropriately backdate options to company executives.

In a statement issued by his lawyer, Anderson said:

Mr. Anderson informed Steve that there would be certain accounting implications to setting a strike date in the mid-18th century, but he wouldn’t listen to him. Instead he taunted Mr. Anderson, adopting a fake cockney accent and telling him “You’d bettah quit lollygagging and backdate those shares or ah’ll sell ya to Mr. Sowerberry the undertaker for naught but a quid right quick!”

Mr. Anderson frankly had no idea what the hell he was talking about but it didn’t sound very good so he went ahead and backdated the shares.

In addition, Mr. Anderson would like everyone to know that Jobs frequently forced him to pretend he was a pony and give him rides around his office.

He would have refused, but he liked getting a sugar cube and being groomed at the end.

As noted yesterday, however, the Apple board has indicated that it stands behind Jobs 100%. In its own statement the board said:

Steve is totally super-cool and we’re totally going to marry him and be Mrs. Steve Jobs some day.

And Fred… well, we never really liked Fred, actually. We were totally just pretending to so he wouldn’t feel bad. Because he was such a mega-loser.

We didn’t want to say anything at the time, but he smelled like feet a little and his mom always packed him pimento loaf with mayonnaise on Wonder Bread sandwiches for lunch which we thought was a little weird.

I mean, apart from the fact that the guy’s like 55 and his mom is still packing his lunch, yuck. Pimento loaf is just nasty.

Oh, jeez, and the juice boxes. Can’t forget the juice boxes.

What a dork.

A spokesperson for the SEC said they would take these statements under advisement.

Apple fans across the globe rejoiced today as it was announced that Steve Jobs has likely been cleared in the backdated stock options probe that has embroiled the company.

Sources close to the Apple CEO indicate he celebrated today by forcing Apple’s accounts payable department to write him a whole mess of checks.

“I have no idea why I bothered with this whole options thing!” Jobs said. “I mean, I’m the CEO! I can just tell them to write me checks.

“Or I could tell them to get me cash…

“Ooh…

“Or bullion…

“Or… chickens…

“Or chicken bouillon…”

Meanwhile, the SEC has focused its interest on the actions of former General Counsel Nancy Heinen and former CFO Fred Anderson.

Heinen and Anderson are now reportedly on the run together, having stolen a vintage red Ford Mustang.

The two former Apple executives were last seen at a truck stop on Route 66. They stood out, eyewitnesses said, because Heinen insisted on being called “Thelma” and Anderson “Louise”.

Authorities have cordoned off every cliff along a 80-mile stretch of Route 66.

Apple has ordered 6,000 chickens which either means it’s Nugget Week at Caffe Macs or Jobs has picked a new form of compensation.

Sources close to Apple Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook say the 46-year-old family man has increasingly been drawn to forbidden fruit.

“He’s been battling with it for three years now, said an Apple source close to Cook. “For three long years there’s been this temptation… right there… on cable television…

“But there’s just no getting around it. It was time to admit it to himself. And recently he’s come to embrace the fact that, yes, he’s BSG-curious.”

Cook has reportedly decided to succumb to temptation and experiment with the Battlestar Galactica lifestyle by downloading the miniseries premier on the iTunes Store and seeing if he likes it.

“I’ve heard it’s quite a good show,” Cook said with his trademark drawl. “I understand it’s on hiatus for a while so I thought it’d be a good time to catch up.

“Is there something outlandish about that?”

Some were surprised by the revelation.

“Cook?” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Wow.

“He’s the last person I’d suspect of being BSG-curious. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s a very good show. It’s just… he doesn’t seem like a scifi geek. Now, Ive? Rosenberg? Serlet? Sure.

“But Cook?”

On the whole, however, the news was not met with nearly the uproar as when CFO Peter Oppenheimer announced that he was Galactose-intolerant.

A leading human rights organization has asked the U.S. government to declare Apple a sweatshop for abusive employment practices.

While the company has in the past been chided about conditions for workers in Chinese factories that produce the iPod, this condemnation was particularly unusual as it related to conditions at One Infinite Loop.

Mark Ridley of Human Rights Now said “Recently a whistle-blower brought to our attention an egregious example of just how poor conditions are at Apple.

“This individual – whose name we will not reveal to protect him from retaliation – often works more than 80 hour work-weeks. He has to be available at the drop of a hat. The pressures on him to perform again and again and again are tremendous.

“And yet he makes just one dollar a year.”

Ridley’s organization has asked the government to sanction Apple and to restrict its ability to conduct business until conditions are improved.

“Workers like this poor individual live in constant fear that their superiors will make their lives a living hell – removing their so-called ‘perks’ such as the their basic means of transportation to and from the sweatshop – and calling them names like ‘goober’ or ‘dorkus’… ‘chowderhead’… ‘pinky’… ‘mock turtleneck boy’. It’s unspeakable psychological torture.”

The government has agreed to look into the case and is expected to interview the whistle-blower at a really, really, really nice sushi place.