Category: Event Coverage

LIVE WWDC KEYNOTE COVERAGE

Oh, what the hell.

10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.

10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.

10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.

10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!

10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.

10:38 – FEED IS DOWN TEMPORARILY. WE NOW SWITCH YOU LIVE TO THE GIZMODO COVERAGE.

Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.

10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.

10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.

10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”

10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.

10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?

Huh.

11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.

11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.

11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.

11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

11:25 – Facebook. Barf.

11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!

11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”

11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!

11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”

11:54 – Tim Cook returns to deliver One More Thing! LIVE SNAKES! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! OH, GOD, THE SNAKES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! HELP ME! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AND TRAMPLING OVER EACH OTHER! OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’VE BEEN BITTEN BY WHAT I BELIEVE IS A CORN SNAKE. I’M… I’M FADING… PEOPLE RUSHING PAST. ANOTHER SNAKE IS NEAR MY FACE. OH, NO. DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO

INEXPLICABLE LIVE AND LATE COVERAGE OF IPHONE 4.0 EVENT

10:20 – HOLY CRAP!

The Brains managed to create some kind of time/space rip and Stock Photo Guy and I are IN APPLE 4 AT THE EVENT (but also not in Apple 4 at the event, much like Schrodinger’s rumor site editor, if you take my meaning).

DID SOMEONE ASK FOR MULTITASKING? BECAUSE HO-LY BEJEWELED BEJEEZUS…

What? No one asked for multitasking?

Really?

I thought…

Huh.

10:25 – OK, catching up: 185k apps at the App Store, 600k iBooks sold (what?!), 1 million iPad apps sold, 450k iPads sold and the special at Caffe Macs today is poached cod.

REPEAT: POACHED COD IS CONFIRMED. There was a lot of late speculation that the smell was fish tacos, but it’s POACHED COD.

10:27 – Multitasking details: it’s actually a Mobile Me web service. You send your stuff to be “multitasked” and Mobile Me send you back a failure notice. Still… MULTITASKING! YES!

10:35 – They’re doing a Skype example. There’s an audio API apps can use to keep audio going while you switch to other apps. I can envision an App that’s just the sound of your mother’s voice berating you over and over and over again telling you you’ll never be good enough and why can’t you be like that nice Bobby Wetherstein from down the street who went into investment banking and married that heiress? Oh, Bobby’s such a nice boy and he would never get into something as stupid and unlucrative as Apple rumors. Why Bobby is the kind of boy who opens the door for his mother and sends her flowers and lives close by so she can watch her grandchildren grow up and enjoy her…

Aaaaaand I just smashed my iPhone to pieces.

10:45 – So, Voice over IP API confirmed, but we’re still waiting on confirmation of pudding over IP.

Folder will allow you to categorize the 185k apps you have on your iPhone, i.e. “Useless Time Suckers”, “Shameful, Dirty”, “Flashlights” and “Apps Recommended By Merlin That I Can’t Figure Out”.

10:50 – CONFIRMED: MAIL TO HAVE UNIFIED INBOX BUT MOBILE ME WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK. MORE UPDATES AS THESE EVENT UNFOLD.

Also, Mail will have Fast Inbox Switching.

…

Seriously, I don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

What the fuck is so complicated about email, people? I mean, what kind of voodoo bullshit are you doing in there? You get an email, you read it, you reply or not and you delete it. It’s not fricking nookleeur physics.

Whatever. Enjoy your “Fast Inbox Switching”. Assholes. Jesus. I mean… GOD.

11:04 – iAds. AWESOME. Now we can watch ads on our iPhones. YES. At long last. The feature we’ve all be asking for. Our long national nightmare is over. All hail our wise corporate overlords who always have our best interests at heart. We have always been at war with Eurasia.

OK, I’m sure it’ll be nice for developers. Who are pasty and awkward and really the only way they’ll get through life is by making gobs of money. So… there’s that.

11:05 – Man. I got jaded since the last time I did this.

11:06 – Forget it! iAds are done in HTML 5, not Flash! Ha-ha! LOL. FAIL. It’ll never work! Only Flash provides the seizure-inducing technology that stimulates the eyeball beyond the ability of your nervous system to control! Only Flash will drag the operating system down to a halt so that the user is incapable if switching to another application! Adobe Flash! Ask for it by name!

11:10 – That’s it! Actually, there’s a Q&A going on in there right now but someone finally noticed us and threw us out. Which is kind of a problem because we left our vortex in there and now I’m not sure how we’re going to get back home.

Anyone driving from Cupertino to Tacoma?

Anyone?

Macworld Expo

It occurs to me that you guys may not know that not only will I be at Macworld Expo this week, I’ll be doing things. Not live keynote coverage, of course. Apple saw to that (now you know the real reason they don’t do Macworld Expo anymore). But I will be continuing an abusive relationship with my liver, waking up in a strange indy software developer’s booth dressed like Mr. Met and being spooned by Sinbad as well as appearing on a panel with the lovely and talented Dan Moren and some other guy. I’ll also be doing the Mac Pundit Showdown with presumably some even bigger names.

Which is weird, right?

I mean, 9 years ago I was just like you.

Well, OK, not like you. I mean, look at you. I can dress myself without matching animals and I don’t have that – what is that, a goiter? – and never got arrested for public urination.

Never got arrested for public urination.

But I was just another Mac-loving shlub who read rumor sites voraciously in a failing effort to keep ahead of the Apple product announcement curve so I wouldn’t get burned. That didn’t work out at all but now I’m going to be on stage at Macworld probably not being funny. It’s a Cinderella story. Except with more back hair.

OK, sure, some of this is because this is the post-Apple Macworld which is like breaking into the majors by playing for the Nationals, but I still get league minimum and can’t you just let me have this?

Anyway, hope to see you there. I mean that. If you see me, feel free to come up and introduce yourself. As long as I’m not on stage. Succubus-like, I feed on your adoration. Awkwardly. I’ll probably stumble through something meant to be nice that I’ll later realize made me sound like an ass and then we won’t really have anything to say and we’ll stand around uncomfortably for 45 minutes until we’re asked to get out of Mr. Breen’s dressing room. We’ll all laugh about it later. Well, except Chris.

All joking aside, I love Macworld Expo. It’s where I met John Gruber, Sal Soghoian, Merlin Mann, Leo Laporte, Jason Snell, Andy Ihnatko, Adam and Tonya Engst, Chris Breen and lots of other people who are way more talented and smart than I am.

It’s a good time. If you can, come on down. We’d love to see you.

Except Larry.

You know what you did, Larry.

Apple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans

At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.

“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”

Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.

“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…

“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!

“Jesus, Walt.”

Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.

“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”

According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.

Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.

“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.'”

Ive smiled nervously in the front row.

“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”

Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.