Mac OS 9 Resuscitated By Quick-Thinking Developers

Ted Klapsick didn’t expect to become a hero yesterday, but he did. A developer from Spencer Software, Klapsick is now known as the man who saved OS 9.

Seated in the front row at Steve Jobs’ Worldwide Developers Conference Keynote, Klapsick jumped into action when Jobs dramatically pulled OS 9 from a coffin on stage to signal the operating system’s demise.

“Steve was making this big joke out of it, but there was OS 9, dead, and no one was doing a thing!” Klapsick said. “It was kind of weird, but the OS’s whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw OS 6, MultiFinder, OpenDoc, Themes… I thought, ‘Good times. Good times.'”

“I couldn’t just sit there!”

Jumping on to the stage, Klapsick knocked a startled Steve Jobs out of the way and began trying to resuscitate OS 9. Immediately, Klapsick was joined by David O’Neil of AKA Development, who performed artificial respiration while Klapsick performed CPR.

“I had been using OS 9 not ten minutes before,” O’Neil said, “so I knew it couldn’t have been gone long. When I saw Ted get up there, I had to help out. I mean, crap, my company has an OS 9-only app coming out in three weeks. It damn well better live!”

Klapsick and O’Neil were able to resuscitate the operating system in less than two minutes, leading many at the conference to conclude that Apple representatives had not made any attempt to resuscitate it on their own.

“They just sat there and watched it die,” Klapsick said. “That’s cold, man. That is cold.”

OS 9 is expected to make a full recovery and authorities are refusing to charge Jobs or Apple.

“We are talking about software here, aren’t we?” asked Officer Gail Lamont of the San Jose Police Department. “I’m pretty sure they can do whatever they want with it. Actually, the only people we’d consider charging are the two who jumped up on stage.”

After the incident, an angry Steve Jobs had to be pulled away from OS 9 by Apple staff.

“You’re dead, OS 9!” Jobs screamed, pointing at the operating system. “You hear me? Dead! Extensions – dead! Chooser – dead! Platinum – dead!”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story.

QuickTime Live Attendees Wish Schiller Had Pled The Fifth.

Attendees at this week’s QuickTime Live Conference in Beverly Hills almost unanimously expressed their belief that the conference would have been better had Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing, Phil Schiller, exercised his Fifth Amendment rights.

Mark Wallace, a 37-year-old video production engineer, indicated that Schiller’s on-stage presence, or lack thereof, was a primary factor behind the conclusion of the attendees. “Let’s just say Phil’s no Steve (Jobs),” Wallace said. “Steve could sell crack to the Amish if he wanted, but Phil… sheesh.”

Beth Myers, a 32-year-old media consultant, agreed with Wallace. “There’s no real reason Phil has to speak at these events,” Myers noted. “If (Enron CEO) Ken Lay doesn’t have to speak before Congress, why should Schiller have to speak here? Why doesn’t he just plead the Fifth, too?”

Computer industry and legal experts believe Schiller could invoke his rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution under the argument that Schiller’s own lack of presentation ability could be construed as bearing “witness against himself.”

“I’d certainly support that,” Myers added. “I was jabbing myself with a pen to stay awake.”

24-year-old web designer Miguel Rojas suggested alternative solutions. “Maybe he could file a report and we could just read it,” Rojas said. “Or, Apple could hire someone like Jeff Goldblum to deliver the presentation. Or that dancing guy from the iPod ad. I’ve never heard him speak but he’s got to be better.”

Apple PR representative Cynthia McLaren acknowledged a problem with Schiller’s presentation style, but said the Apple VP has no intentions of exercising his Fifth Amendment rights in lieu of fulfilling “a very important part of his duties.”

“He’s gone to some classes,” McLaren confided, “But nothing really seems to take. He’s signed up for acting camp this summer. Maybe that will help.”

Other strategies Apple has tried to improve Schiller’s presentations include singing lessons, a membership with Toastmasters International, and having him practice in front of a mirror.

Wednesday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Wednesday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: Me Cro-Magnon man recently unfrozen from block of ice me been in for 40, 00 years. Me not really understand shiny box filled with spirits, but me scientist friends say me should get a computer. Me thinking of buying iMac because me hear easy to use. Me being Cro-Magnon man, me like this. Me question, what best tool on Mac for making fire?

A: It would be easy to list a number of ways to get your Mac to make fire (heck, some of them you can’t even stop from making fire). But before you jump in to looking at products, maybe you should ask yourself first what problem you’re trying to solve. Is it cooking the flesh of a recent kill? Staying warm while the sun-god sleeps? Keeping predators at bay? Maybe you don’t even know, in which case you could benefit from having a consultant evaluate your business processes. Of course, by the time you do all this you’ll probably get eaten by a bear, so on second thought, we suggest going out and buying the first thing you find. Maybe some lighter fluid.

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Q: Wait a minute, you expect us to believe an unfrozen Cro-Magnon man wrote in with a Mac question? Give me a break. Besides, Cro-Magnons were semi-nomadic as they had to follow the animals they hunted, so he’d never buy an iMac. He’d buy an iBook, which would provide the portability and long battery life needed by someone constantly on the move. And I should know, because I’m a Neanderthal.

A: Look we’re not going to get into the middle of this debate. The only way we can think of to prove to you the previous question was real is to sick the Cro-Magnon man on you! Get him, Ugluk!

Q: GRAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH! Me show you who real!

Q: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Get off of me!

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Q: I’m confused by the previous questions. Why did the Cro-Magnon have trouble with pronouns while the Neanderthal, by all accounts less developed than the Cro-Magnons, spoke perfect English? I’m also confused about the themes involved. Certainly there’s the theme of the Mac’s ease of use as well as one concerning the perceived value of modern-day consultancy. But does the fight at the end over whether or not the Cro-Magnon was real point to something more existential?

A: Well, yes, the Cro-Magnon could be seen as representing our basic human motivations for food, shelter and safety, that often seem incongruous in the technological world we’ve created. For this reason, his very existence is called into question but, ultimately, he appears as a powerful presence. Really, though, we just liked the gag about a Cro-Magnon using an iMac to make fire. Then the whole thing kind of got away from us.