Apple today announced new iBooks in speeds ranging up to 700 Mhz. With a larger cache, more powerful graphics processor and new video out port, the iBooks also reportedly consist of a candy-coated shell and creamy nougat center.
“Iffs derishious!” said Macworld magazine Editor Rick LePage, in between bites.
His mouth still full of thick, rich nougat, LePage added “I can’t berief I’m eatun a fufteen hunner dollar laptup! Thiff if gonna be an expensuff habbot!”
Apple Senior Designer Jonathan Ive says an edible iBook was the logical extension of the diminutive laptop’s design.
“The jump from lickable software to edible hardware just made sense,” Ive explained. “Looking at the old iBook’s white plastic lid, I realized that you could achieve the same visual effect and structural rigidity with crystallized sugar. The internal components were more difficult, but our engineers were up to the task.”
Jon Rubinstein, Apple Vice President for Hardware Engineering, did not share Ive’s nonchalance.
“Do you have any idea how low the electrical conductivity of nougat is?” Rubinstein moaned. “Really frickin’ low. We’re just lucky Motorola had already designed an edible G3 for some government project.”
“Frankly, Jonathan Ive can bite me and the whole hardware division.”
Apple believes the edible iBook will be the company’s most profitable product yet.
“The margins are pretty low,” Apple CFO Fred Anderson said, “but once you eat it, it’s gone – you’ve got to go buy a new one.”
Anderson was beside himself when asked about how the new iBooks were expected to fair in schools, where they are already popular.
“Kids can’t resist a delicious sugary treat!” Anderson exclaimed. “We’re going to sell a bazillion of these!”
The new iBooks are not a hit with everyone, however. Parents’ groups, as well as the American Dental Association, have already asked that Apple pull the laptop from the market.
In a statement released this afternoon, the ADA complained that the new iBook poses “the most serious threat to healthy dental hygiene since the giant Pixie stick”.
In related news, Hal Grenman, President of the Pixie Stick Manufacturers Association of America, said “Better luck next time, Apple! We’re still number one!”