Apple Executives Selling Stock, Buying Puppy.

According to documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last several weeks, three senior Apple executives are seeking to sell blocks of company stock totaling roughly $19.5 million. This action has prompted rampant speculation as to their motive for selling the stock. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from sources close to the executives that they intend to pool their resources to buy a puppy.

Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller indicated that Senior Vice President for Applications Sina Tamaddon, Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson and General Counsel Nancy Heinen are involved in the puppy-buying plan.

“I think this is a big mistake,” Schiller said. “I told them that a puppy is a huge responsibility that you can’t just throw $19.5 million at. Who’s going to feed it? Who’s going to walk it? These three don’t have the first clue as to what it takes to care for a dog.”

Shaking his head, Schiller added “I just see this ending badly.”

Tamaddon, Anderson and Heinen seem oblivious to the obvious pitfalls of dog ownership.

“He’s going to be my bestest pal,” Anderson said. “I’m going to teach him all kinds of tricks like how to fetch… and how to catch a Frisbee and… and… yeah. It’s gonna be great.”

Tamaddon expressed a similar sentiment and even went so far as to predict the puppy would like him better than the other two Apple executives. “My neighbor has a dog that likes me a lot,” Tamaddon said, “so I know this puppy’s going to really like me.”

Compounding the inherent problems with the puppy-buying plan are major disagreements over who will get the puppy when and even what to name the puppy.

Anderson, who brings $10.4 million of the $19.5 million to the table, feels he should have the coveted weekend days with the puppy, based on his larger financial stake. Tamaddon and Heinen feel weekend access to the puppy should be handled on a rotational basis.

Tamaddon prefers the name “Barky”, while Anderson likes “Scratch” and Heinen favors “Poochie”.

“They haven’t even realized yet that they need to pick a breed,” an exasperated Phil Schiller said. “I can tell Nancy thinks this is going to be a toy dog and Sina and Fred are thinking more like a Golden Retriever. They’re on completely different pages.”

Schiller indicated that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has even tried to talk the executives out of the plan. However, when he broached the subject at a staff meeting, the three began yelling “Puppy! Yeah, puppy! Hurray!” before Jobs could even begin to state his case.

Schiller believes that there is still a good chance the puppy-buying plan will fail to materialize.

“The last time I talked to Nancy she said something about how what she really wanted was a kitten,” Schiller said. “We just need to get them off this puppy subject.”

“We’re all going to Disneyland for Memorial Day. Maybe that will distract them.”

21 thoughts on “Apple Executives Selling Stock, Buying Puppy.”

  1. Second!

    What the hell? Five years between the first and second comment–that’s gotta be a record.

  2. I recall reading this, but it didn’t seem that long ago. I guess time really does go faster as we get older.

    That or we’re being “gaslighted.”

  3. I went looking for this one and found it wasn’t in the collection that made it over from MovableType so I added it and backdated it. Perhaps my favorite post evah.

  4. April was happy until she found out her boyfriend August was entertaining her sister May on the side. Now she’s given him orders to march.

  5. Entertaining? In what way, soft shoe shuffle, tap dancing, singing.

    BTW I tried tap dancing but slipped off the tap and broke my ankle in the sink. You can’t beat the old ones. Well you can but arrest usually follows.

  6. How is this happening, did somebody leave the reality distortion generator on all night again again again again again again again again againŸ

  7. Later Friday night, after the Galactica season premiere, I ran across the movie Planet of the Apes on cable (already in progress). The original, not that nasty remake.

    The next night Charlton Heston passed away.

    Weird feeling, reading the news of that this morning. (cue theremin)

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