My Lunch With The Entity.

After yesterday’s comment about the giant octopus-like creature at the center of the galaxy, I decided to see what I could pry out of the Entity about just what the heck the relationship is between him, Apple, the Cyber-Apocalypse, the evil forces at work in the galaxy, and Loretta, the hostess at the local Shari’s.

We went to lunch at the Three Pigs barbecue place and while we didn’t get to everything I wanted to ask him about, he did fill in some of the pieces.

Tentaculous is the name of the gigantic, evil octopus-like being that lives at the center of our galaxy, eternally seeking the domination of all living things. In case you’re wondering, it rhymes with “spectaculous” which, I know, is not a word. Look, I don’t make up the names of the giant octopuses that live at the center of the galaxy, I just report them.

While he is an evil overlord who rules most of this galaxy with an iron sucker, Tentaculous is also amazingly polite. A witty raconteur, he has been known to regale his victims with amusing anecdotes before crushing their planets like week-old pappadum.

The denizens of Septimus Arcadus 8 said of him mere moments before they were utterly wiped out, “Tentaculous has really done his best to make our complete annihilation as pleasant for us as possible. He’s kept us fully up-to-date on exactly when and how we could expect to be exterminated and even asked if we preferred blue death ray or red death ray. That was very nice. He didn’t have to do that. (We chose red.) Also, his shock troops that conducted the initial invasion were, while brutal, both punctual and extremely apologetic about having to ruthlessly murder us. If you’re going to get killed by one evil tyrant in your lifetime, make it Tentaculous.”

At any rate, the Macintosh is somehow the bane of Tentaculous’ existence. The Entity was a little sketchy on the details and it was hard to understand him as he kept chowing down on a spicy chopped pork sandwich, but somehow the Mac literally causes Tentaculous pain. Kind of like looking at Jef Raskin does for Mac users. Or anybody, really.

Strangely, however, when I asked about the relationship between Tentaculous and the Cyber-Apocalypse, the Entity just laughed heartily, spewing barbecue sauce all over the table.

“This is what we, in the business, call a two-fer!” he said.

I’m not sure what “business” exactly he was talking about, but apparently there is no relationship between the two, other than us being stuck in the middle of them. The Cyber-Apocalypse is a home-grown threat, while Tentaculous threatens the Earth from without. Yay.

The Entity himself comes from a parallel dimension that intersects our dimension exactly at the counter area in the Lancaster, PA, Waffle House, which is were we met. I asked why it wasn’t a booth where there’d be a little more privacy but he said it didn’t work that way. When I pressed him on the issue, he said “Just drop it, OK?! You don’t get to cross over in the booth! Obviously it’d be easier but if it were easy people would be crossing over all the time! Sheesh! My people would be up to their butts in you fleshy sacks of mostly water! Like we need that.”

Any time he eats meat he gets a little riled up. That gigantic Diet Coke wasn’t doing any good either. So, unfortunately, we didn’t get to what his role is in all this.

That, in about 45 minutes, was all I got out of him. He nodded sagely at the end of our lunch and said “All will be revealed in time! Some of it three weeks from Thursday. At 9:15 am. Near the corner of Stevens and 43rd.

“Ooh, mint toothpicks,” he added, picking one up on our way out.

Oh, and Loretta, apparently, is just sponsoring the Entity and Howard on the Cancer Society dog-a-thon. So, no big galactic threat there.

More info on this as it unfolds.

– John Moltz, Editor In Chief.