[Outside the Shari’s in Cupertino, two black vans with white Apple logos on them pull up and screech to a halt. The entire staff of Crazy Apple Rumors Site and all the Apple executives leap from the vans.]
TIMOTHY COOK: I get to drive on the way back!
RON JOHNSON: No way, man! You don’t get to move from shotgun to driver! That is so unfair! Steve, isn’t that unfair?
STEVE JOBS: You guys are going to walk back if you don’t stop bickering!
TIMOTHY COOK: He was yelling at you.
RON JOHNSON: Oh, shut up.
TIMOTHY COOK: [Holding his finger up an inch from Johnson’s face] Does this bug you? I’m not touching you.
RON JOHNSON: Steeeeeeeve?!
[The group spots Apple’s friend, Gary, exiting the Shari’s.]
THE ENTITY: Gary! Have you seen the Grand Inquisitor?
GARY: Hmm, Grand Inquisitor? Is he a tall guy? Dressed in nothing but chaps and holding a riding crop.
[An uncomfortable silence.]
THE ENTITY: Uh… no.
GARY: Oh. I wonder who that was? And what all the yelling was about. Anyway, I don’t know who the Grand Inquisitor is, but there is some alien sitting in there holding a human brain. I dunno… I just didn’t feel like having waffles after seeing that. I felt more like having huevos rancheros for some reason.
CHET MACGRUDER: I could see that.
GARY: So, I’m off to the Mexican place.
BERTRAND SERLET: Mmm. Huevos rancheros.
AVIE TEVANIAN: Yeah. Huuuuuuevos… ran-CHER-os! Mmm.
STEVE JOBS: If you two don’t stop that, you’ll be lucky to get waffles.
BERTRAND SERLET: Merde.
GRAND INQUISITOR: [Via megaphone] ATTENTION APPLE EXECUTIVES! I HAVE TAKEN THE SHARI’S PATRONS HOSTAGE! WITH THE EXCEPTION OF KARL WHO HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT HE CAN’T RESCHEDULE. I KNOW HOW HARD THOSE ARE TO GET SOMETIMES. SO, I’M SENDING HIM OUT NOW. BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! I’VE CREATED GIANT WAFFLE MEN FROM SHARI’S DELICIOUS BATTER THAT WILL DO MY BIDDING! I KNOW IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE BUT IT WORKED. I WAS KIND OF SURPRISED MYSELF. I… WWWWEEEEEEOOOORRRRRRR! AGH! DAMMIT. SORRY ABOUT THAT. FEEDBACK. UH… SO… YEAH… HOSTAGES, KARL’S ON HIS WAY OUT, GIANT WAFFLE MEN, NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE. THAT IS ALL.
STEVE JOBS: Looks like we’ll have to do this the hard way.
GARY: I’m sure you’re up to it, Steve! You do a good job at everything you do!
STEVE JOBS: Thanks, Gary!
PETER OPPENHEIMER: Gary’s such a great guy. He didn’t have to say that.
UGLUK: [Nodding] Gary very supportive.
GORTO THE EVIL CLOWN GOD: [Also nodding] Mmm-hmm.
STEVE JOBS: OK, Phil, we’ll go with the standard Epsilon approach. Frontal attack, maximum target damage.
PHIL SCHILLER: OK, listen up! Chet, Albert – when this thing starts to go down, I want you to get the hostages out!
ALBERT MCMURRY: Check!
CHET MACGRUDER: Roger!
PHIL SCHILLER: John…
JOHN MOLTZ: Yes?
PHIL SCHILLER: This is very important. Perhaps the most important part of all, so listen closely. When we bust in there…
JOHN MOLTZ: Yes?
PHIL SCHILLER: I want you to crawl on your belly over to the waffle bar, no matter what kind of deadly battle is raging around you. Even if one of us gets taken down. Then…
JOHN MOLTZ: Yes? Yes?!
PHIL SCHILLER: …I want you to make me a Belgian with strawberries and bananas. But no whipped cream. Just maple syrup. And maybe some powdered sugar if they have it. I don’t know if they do. Sometimes at this time of day they’ve run out of some of the condiments. But I’d like some if it’s available. And maybe just a couple of walnuts on the side. No. No. On second thought, skip the walnuts.
JOHN MOLTZ: Got it! Ha! Maple syrup, eh?
PHIL SCHILLER: I’m not Canadian!
JOHN MOLTZ: Sure you’re not, Phil.
STEVE JOBS: Everyone set? Everyone know their job?
NANCY HEINEN: I’m playing the tambourine!
JOHN MOLTZ: Uh… good for you!
STEVE JOBS: [Grimly] Let’s do this thing.
[Charging into the Shari’s, Jobs and Schiller attack the Grand Inquisitor’s waffle men with a series of roundhouse kicks and flying crane moves, successfully freeing the hostages. Chet and Albert begin to extract the hostages from the restaurant as John crawls on his belly to the waffle bar, and Fred Anderson, Ron Johnson and Ugluk stake out booths for the group. Suddenly, former CARS photographer Vinz Machete appears in the frame.]
VINZ MACHETE: Oh. Oh! I’m sorry! Am I in frame? I thought I was out of frame!
JOHN MOLTZ: Get out of frame! Get out of frame!
GRAND INQUISITOR: Your hand-to-hand skills are admirable, but you’re no match for my waffle men!
STEVE JOBS: Eat faux leather, evil breakfast food!
[As Jobs delivers another kick with his stylish shoes of all man-made materials, Schiller attacks with rabbit punches to the gut. Despite the withering assault, the two are only holding their own with the waffle men.]
THE ENTITY: Spray them with syrup! It will make them soft and pliable!
GRAND INQUISITOR: Nooooo!
[In slow motion for some reason, John tosses syrup bottles to Jobs and Schiller, who douse the waffle men.]
WAFFLE MEN: AAAAAAARRRRRGH! WE ARE BECOMING SOFT AND MALLEABLE!
GRAND INQUISITOR: My beautiful waffle men!
[As the waffle men crumple to the floor, the Entity grabs the Grand Inquisitor.]
THE ENTITY: Now, what have you done with Masako’s brain?!
GRAND INQUISITOR: What? That? Here! You can have it! I never really needed it in the first place!
PHIL SCHILLER: What the… then why did you have your henchmen entice Michael Dell to steal it?!
GRAND INQUISITOR: Oh, that was just busy work! Look, if I don’t ride those guys, they won’t respect me as a manager. Then the next thing I know they’re taking long lunches, hanging out in the break room, surfing the Internet…
STEVE JOBS: Oh, I hear that, brother. Actually, kind of funny… if you want to know the truth, the whole eMac line is just busy work.
JON RUBINSTEIN: What?!
STEVE JOBS: Oh. Jon. I… didn’t know you were right there. You’re… uh… you’re… you’re doing a great job, Jon. [Turning away, Jobs rolls his eyes]
JOHN MOLTZ: [Picks up Masako’s brain gingerly] We’ve got to get this back into her head, quickly!
THE ENTITY: Oh, just wrap it in a paper towel. It’ll be fine.
JOHN MOLTZ: Really?
THE ENTITY: Oh, sure. They keep for a long time.
JOHN MOLTZ: Huh.
ALBERT MCMURRY: Well, is it true that your brain is under pressure in your head, so it expands when it’s taken out?
THE ENTITY: It is, but you just soak it in cold water for a while and it’ll shrink up a bit.
TIMOTHY COOK: Ha! Kind of… kind of like…
STEVE JOBS: Stop it.
TIMOTHY COOK: Sorry.
PHIL SCHILLER: Hey, who wants waffles?!
Will they all enjoy rich, delicious waffles? Will the Entity get Masako’s brain back in her head? God damn it, where’s Howard? And aren’t there some other loose ends?
Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to 5, appropriately titled: EPILOGUE!