5 – Epilogue

[Inside the top secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site Headquarters…]

THE ENTITY: The operation is nearing completion. I just need to seal the motor pathways and Masako will be good as new.

ALBERT MCMURRY: Her brain pressure is returning to normal – swelling to fill the cavity. Yeesh, it’s so… icky in there.

JOHN MOLTZ: [Sticks his finger in Masako’s brain] Hey, what’s that?!

THE ENTITY: Don’t poke that! What, were you raised in a barn?

JOHN MOLTZ: Oh, c’mon, there’s another one over here just like it, see?

THE ENTITY: Oh, that. I thought you were poking that. Yeah, go ahead, you can poke that all you want. I was poking it earlier. Chet, how is the machine with the two antennae and electricity arching between them?

CHET MACGRUDER: Functioning within normal parameters.

JOHN MOLTZ: [Whispers to the Entity] What the heck is that for?

THE ENTITY: [Mouths silently] BUSY WORK.

JOHN MOLTZ: Aaaaahhhh…

THE ENTITY: OK, closing up now! Everybody get their fingers out.


THE ENTITY: A few more stitches… and some more hot glue… and… done!


THE ENTITY: She’ll feel a little loagy…

JOHN MOLTZ: How long will that last?

THE ENTITY: Oh, the rest of her life. I mean… c’mon… she had her brain taken out.

MASAKO YAMAMOTO: I’m… I’m back! I… was floating… floating… I could see everything. Horrible. Horrible.

JOHN MOLTZ: You mean the battle with the Grand Inquisitor?

MASAKO YAMAMOTO: No! I saw the entire new lineup on UPN! I told you I could see everything! It was horrible!

UGLUK: She have to bear that the rest of her days. It so unfair. You see that Rock Me Baby show? It enough to make me want to crawl back into block of ice I unfrozen from.

JOHN MOLTZ: But, on the bright side, we got to keep the waffle men!

CHET MACGRUDER: I totally can’t believe no one at Apple wanted them!

ALBERT MCMURRY: I will say one thing for the Grand Inquisitor, he makes a mean waffle man.

HOWARD: Indubitably. These waffle men are delicious.

JOHN MOLTZ: So… how’s by you, Howard? You get that medical thing straightened out?

HOWARD: Uh… yes. I’d prefer not to talk about it.

JOHN MOLTZ: Oh. I hope it’s nothing serious. You know you can talk to us about anything.

HOWARD: No, no. I’ll be fine. But there is one thing you can do for me.

JOHN MOLTZ: Sure. Anything.

HOWARD: Could you wrap this pill up in a piece of waffle and stick it into my mouth? I mean… it’s silly, really. I should be able to just swallow it but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I keep spitting it out.


THE ENTITY: [Mouths silently to John] WORMS.

JOHN MOLTZ: Aaaaahhhh…

ALBERT MCMURRY: Hey, did you see Dell announced Soup That Can Think?!

JOHN MOLTZ: Ha-ha! What a bunch of maroons!

[All enjoy a hearty laugh at Dell’s expense]

THE ENTITY: So… that’s it, then. All of the pieces have been tied nicely together!

JOHN MOLTZ: Yet… yet, I can’t help but wonder what new adventures are in store for us. What dangers will we face? What Apple secrets will we uncover? Will we ever get them to send us free stuff?

THE ENTITY: Only time will tell.

CHET MACGRUDER: Hey… this machine with the antennae isn’t even hooked up to anything!



SCOOTER: C’mon guys! Who likes to eat waffle men?!

[An uncomfortable silence]

SCOOTER: OK, that came out wrong.

[Meanwhile, in a giagantic galactic fortress near the center of the Milky Way galaxy…]

TENTACULOUS: Has the package been delivered?

GRAND INQUISITOR: Per your command, oh great Tentaculous.

TENTACULOUS: Then the ruse with Masako’s brain worked perfectly!

GRAND INQUISITOR: Yeees. While they were distracted, Alien 5 was able to sneak into One Infinite Loop and put the package in place!

TENTACULOUS: Alien 5? I thought it was Alien 6.

[The Grand Inquisitor looks puzzled and counts on his fingers]

GRAND INQUISITOR: Four… five… Six! Right. Six. What you said.


GRAND INQUISITOR: Well, jeez, they all look alike. Bumpy foreheads… little squid fingers… creepy little bastards…

TENTACULOUS: Uh, yeah. It’s OK, it just… You know, it just seems like you’re not really “in to” [raises his tentacles to make a gesture indicating quotes] the whole management thing.

GRAND INQUISITOR: Oh, no. No, no, no. I assure you, great Tentaculous, that’s not the case. I love my job.

TENTACULOUS: Well, I hope so, because you know I’m all about the personal growth of my employees. You’re no good to me if you don’t love what you do. Life’s too short. We have a very liberal department transfer policy here. You could be in… Purchasing… or… Accounts Receivable.

GRAND INQUISITOR: I’m… very happy in Galactic Terror.

TENTACULOUS: OK. OK. I want you to be happy. And now you will have the job satisfaction of knowing that the destruction of Apple Computer is at hand! When the pieces of my great chess game are in place, I will activate the package and lay waste to One Infinite Loop! Ha-ha. Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

GRAND INQUISITOR: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!


GRAND INQUISITOR: Ah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Haaaaa… uh… boss?


GRAND INQUISITOR: How is a box of day-old bagels going to initiate the destruction of Apple Computer?

TENTACULOUS: I, uh… I haven’t figure that out yet. I’m not even sure how I would “activate” them. You know, it’s not easy coming up with a plan for galactic domination.

GRAND INQUISITOR: I’m sure it’s not. Hey, did you see those waffle men?!

TENTACULOUS: Oh… my… god! I was like totally freaking out! How did you do that?!

GRAND INQUISITOR: I have no idea! I was totally winging it!

TENTACULOUS: Hey, I’ve got a 3 o’clock, but walk with me!


[The two disappear down a long corridor. A long… uh… EVIL corridor.]

5 has been a production of Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Giant Squid Productions and Quinn-Martin. All characters and events depicted in 5 are REAL! It was totally boss! With the Apple executives and the ninja moves and the waffles and the… and the… pathos…

OK, it wasn’t all real. I had to make up that last scene. I mean, how would I know what goes on in Tentaculous’ galactic fortress? I get their newsletter but it doesn’t go into that level of detail.