Macworld Keynote Coverage!


We’re in! Although there was a brief holdup at the door. Some guy from Apple named Albert is working the event and he thought we looked familiar and we thought he looked familiar…

Hmm. Dammit. That’s going to bug me all day. Where do I know that guy from?

Any-hoo, we’re here and we’re waiting to be surprised and delighted*!

(* The term “suprised and delighted” is a registered trademark of Apple Retail.)


The Apple Store is offline! Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times!


Steve takes the stage! He’s glowing, a vision of radiance… at once pure and worldly… a veritable god among men… he deigns to look our way… all who behold him are held by his warm, loving gaze… he completes us…

Uh… OK! He’s talking about the 20th anniversary of the Mac! It “changed everything”.

Yes, oh, master. Yeeeessss….


“You shall take no other gods before me!” Steve bellows. And we can but obey.

But now the god turns angry! He is wrathful! “Microsoft is copying us again!” Will he lash out and smite them!?

NO! Steve is a benevolent god! “It feels good!” he says. Smiles sweep through the audience, replacing looks of fear! Our god is happy! We are happy! It is a happy time!

Chet, Howard can’t see. Switch with him.

I know he’s on the floor but just switch with him.

Steve’s showing off Panther. I wonder if he’s going to show that weird thing where hitting Command-k doesn’t bring up the server connect window like it’s supposed to…

No. No. It doesn’t look like he’s going to show that. Hmm.


Final Cut Pro is demoed.

As each product is successfully demoed, Apple stage hands breath a sigh of relief. They are that much closer to living through this day.

Microsoft’s Roz Ho takes the stage. (Think she got kidded about that name much as a child? I’m hoping it’s her married name.)

MS is demoing the next version of Office.


Now Steve’s talking about the G5 and Virginia Tech’s clustering.

“Clusters are delicious!” Steve notes. “Clusters of nuts, particularly… mmm….” Now he’s rubbing his belly.

I thought he was going to talk about their supercomputer project. Huh.

OK, he’s showing a video about the project. It’s… it’s a dance video.

And… they’re not very good.

Now one of them is rapping about the G5.

I’m talkin’ bout the G5

Now, you betta stay alive

‘Cause this ain’t no jive

It’s the f***ing G5…

This is just wrong.


Steve’s announcing the G5 Xserve!

I have no idea why that gets me excited! I’ll NEVER own one! But I love it! It’s so… serious… looking!

Steve doesn’t even understand some of the specs. OK, that makes me feel better.

Xserve RAID – $3 per GB, far lower than everyone else’s storage options.

And it kills bugs. Hmm.


iTunes! 30 million songs sold. Sadly, 15 million of those songs were by boy and girl pop bands and will only be listened to for a week or so.

iTunes Music Store has 70% market share. Of legal downloads.

.01% of all downloads.

Someone spent over $29,000 on the iTunes Music Store.

Oh, hey, the Entity is raising his hand! It was him! Steve, over here! Over here!

Oh, well, he’s moved on.

The Entity says that if you have a Mac rumor site, you can write off all your iTunes Music Store purchases. Interesting.

ITMS is adding the Billboard charts by year. You can see what was hot in 1923. That’s great because I love banjo music.

Now have 500,000 songs available for download – largest online music store. Pepsi and Apple are giving away 100 million songs (legally, Steve emphasizes). 1 in 3 Pepsi bottles will be a winner.

Oh, Steve, you’re a liar. You’re just a dirty rotten liar.

“Now excuse me while I take another shot of vodka.”


iLife ’04! (Legally, we must announce every new product with an exclamation mark. I don’t really want to have to do it, but I must contractually.)

Steve’s talking about iPhoto and how badly it sucks at large numbers of photos. iPhoto 4 supports up to 25,000 photos. Sadly, your Mac will only handle about 400.

Smart albums, like smart lists in iTunes. “Annoying pictures of Jeff.” “Nude photos of Gwendolyn.”

Steve will now demonstrate. “No one will be allowed into the hall during the gripping photo correction demo!”

Steve is really cracking wise up there. He’s very comfortable.

Remember Amelio? Oh, god.

You can now pick playlists for the slideshow in iPhoto. (I’m not sure why that wasn’t in there before…) Oooh, cube rotate is an optional transition effect. I could watch cube rotation all day long.


Rendezvous photo sharing.

(Insert your own porn joke here.)

(Why do I have to do all the work?)

OK, iMovie.

Sorry. Sorry.


Imports video from iSight. It’s got some other stuff… supposed to be good for you… I dunno… kinda cool… New titles, including the Star Wars roll to infinity thingy.

Now you can TOTALLY cut a much better version of either Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones! You have no excuse!

I know Steve hasn’t announced anything that’s completely out of the world amazing, but the crowd seems a little subdued.

I think they might be pumping ether into this place. Do you smell that?


A combination of iDVD transitions and ether seems to be putting the crowd to sleep. Plus, I think half of them are all liquored up.

Not us, of course.

OK, I had a couple of momosas at breakfast.

OK, five.

Speaking of five… the FIFTH iLife app! GarageBand! Turns your Mac into a pro-quality musical instrument and recording studio!

Now I can complete my symphony! I’ve had a hell of a time finding a good oboist.

Steve’s bringing John Mayer out to try out GarageBand. Duuuuuude…


Oh, no! No! Ugluk! Chet, grab him! He doesn’t understand how Steve’s making the many noises come out the Mac! It’s freaking him out!

Look out! Mad neanderthal! AAAAAAAGH!

He’s going after Mayer! Look out, funky guitar dude!


OK, OK. We’re OK. Steve put on some music to sooth the savage beast. Ugluk is actually soothed by They Might Be Giants. I don’t know why that is.

Now Mayer’s laying down a guitar track to a bunch of GuitarBand instruments he baked earlier at 350 degrees.

Mmm… delicious. That’s good track!

And then you can export it to iTunes. $49 for all the iLife apps, free with every new Mac. Fucking… A…

You know, this is cool, but Steve’s running out of time to introduce the tablet, the set-top box, the killer squirrels with rotating blades for teeth…


Companion products for iLife. Jam Pack for GarageBand, has a bunch of other instruments and actual jam. Mmmm…. $99 keyboard. $50,000 “groupie” package.

Now a movie about iLife.

I don’t know who this guy is. Am I supposed to know who this guy is? Because I don’t know who this guy is. Masako’s rolling her eyes at me. She knows who he is. The Entity doesn’t know who he is, either.

I’m not sure the Entity know who Masako is, though.

OK, I know who Elijah Wood is, though. He’s that Hobbit dude. And I know of Tony Hawk. He’s one of those youngsters who doesn’t believe in the laws of gravity. Damn punks. Skateboarding is not a stable job. Accountancy. THAT’S a stable job. Damn rocker, Sheryl Crow. Get a job, hippie!

Insurance sales. That’s a stable job.


The iPod. Sold 730,000 iPods. 100,000 of them to Moby.

That’s a nice sales curve, though. Up. Up. Up. The iPod is #1 in units and revenues.

Low-end iPod is updated to 15 GB, and they’re selling in-ear headphones. They’re also selling some you can stick so far into your ear that they touch your brain. They’re a little more expensive… New ad.

Steve wants to go after the high-end flash players. With a club. Ugluk has volunteered to lend him his.

Second member of the iPod family! The iPod mini! 4 GB of storage! 1,000 songs! .5 inches thick! $249!

$249? That’s $50 more than the market they’re going after. “Best $50 you’ll ever spend.”

Steve obviously does not know the price of a massage at Madame LaVoom’s Massage And Release Parlour.


Wow. It is pretty cool looking. Very small.

I think people are not impressed with the price.

Hey, colors are back! Finally, some reporting we can get our teeth into! “New iPod mini to be peach?”

Is that Phil in the front row? I can just see the back of his head.

Hmm. That’s it.

Nice keynote. Not enough Schiller.