Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a 15-inch PowerBook that I need to use to run some Windows applications via Virtual PC. The company I’m doing this work for will provide the applications on an external hard drive for me to do the work, but I’m not sure how to tell them to set it up so the applications can be read by Virtual PC. What should I do?

A: You’re… doing what again now?

Q: Uh… well, OK, I’m going to do some work for a company and…

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, are you just going to let them dictate to you what platform to use? That’s bull, man!

Q: Well… I kind of need the work… and…

A: Oh, man, that is so lame! What’s wrong with you? You used to stand for something!

Q: I don’t… I… Wait, we’ve never met before.

A: Back in the day, you wouldn’t take no crap from nobody!

Q: I think that’s a… double negative…

A: Remember the time you told old man Fessler to take his crappy 9 to 5 at the factory and stick it where the sun don’t shine?!

Q: Um… no.

A: And then you drove over to Kathy’s house in the Charger and told her dad that you didn’t care if you weren’t a snobby blue-blood like Chad, you and Kathy were in love and that’s what mattered! The dude I used to know was all about bein’ his own man! Settin’ his own path! Where is that dude?!

Q: Wait a minute. You don’t know how to format the disk.

A: This is not about me. This is about you grabbin’ hold of that one thing in life that’s really special! Don’t let this moment slip away, Gordy!

Q: My name is Ted.

Q: I’ve been using Macs for years now, and there’s one thing that’s always confused me. When you shutdown the computer, there’s always this pause while the Mac does something. Sometimes it can really take a while. What the hell is it doing?

A: In most cases the operating system is writing to the hard disk a number of items that are left in memory and need to be recorded to save the state of the computer. In your case, however, it’s simply slow to shut down because it’s ashamed of all the filthy, disgusting things you look at on the Internet! For shame! For shame!

Q: Wait… shame makes something slow?

A: How could you?! And with your wife of fifteen years right in the next room!

Q: What? I’m gay!

A: Oh, my god! Have you told her?! You are going to break her heart!

Q: I don’t have a wife!

A: I can believe that you’d live a lie for so long, what with your penchant for disgusting porn, but how could you force Belinda, who loves you so much, and little Jeremy and Kimberly to?!

Q: OK, what part of “I’m gay” don’t you understand?

Q: I have a three-year-old iMac that I want to turn into a…

A: Oh, William, you can’t spend the rest of your life hiding from who you are!

Q: Uh, yeah, OK. Not William…

A: If the rest of society isn’t ready for a Supreme Court Justice who wears women’s underwear, then maybe this is your chance to make things happen for people like you! Someone has to be first!

Q: I’m pretty sure Sandra Day O’Connor was probably first…

A: All I’m saying is, be yourself! Because…[sniff]… that’s the person no one else can be!

Q: Is there something wrong with this connection? Is that what the problem is?