Apple CEO Steve Jobs is most often known for his mercurial nature, his vegan eating habits and his marketing ability. But within the tight circle that knows him well, he is also known for an experimental hygienic regimen that is often surprising.
Jobs eschews all products from companies that perform animal testing, but sources close to him say he does buy his pomade from a small company in Sacramento that verbally abuses little bunnies.
“It actually has nothing to do with making hair care products,” said Megan Donacini, a spokesperson for the company. “We just think it’s funny. And the rabbits don’t even notice it.
“We take turns yelling at them, ‘You stupid bunny!’ or ‘Stupid floppy ears! Stupid little tail! Stupid big hind feet! You’re stupid!‘ Ha-ha! Ahhhh…
“We’re grateful Mr. Jobs shares our vision.”
In addition to his hair care peculiarities, other male Apple executives were startled to find Jobs in the men’s locker room bathing in hot dog water.
“Oh, my god,” said a startled Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, sniffing the air. “Steve… what is that?”
“It’s hot dog water!” an exuberant Jobs called out, swirling his hands in the slightly pinkish water.
“Ugh,” said Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon. “That is foul.”
“Yeah, I’ve got to agree,” said Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein. “Steve, you’re a vegan! How can you bathe in hot dog water?”
“Oh, don’t be such babies!” Jobs retorted. “I’m not drinking it! That’d be disgusting!
“I get it from the cafeteria after they’re done boiling the hot dogs,” Jobs explained. “It’s so much more environmentally sound than just pouring it out. What a waste that would be.”
Jobs indicated that “essential hot dog oils” in the water soften the skin while the herbs, spices and chemical additives open the pores, making hot dog water perfect for those with difficult combination skin.
“You’re the weirdos who eat those things,” Jobs said. “I’m just taking lemons and making lemonade.
“Well, if you’ll excuse me,” he said, climbing out of the fetid tub, “I have to go have my toenails clipped by virgin Tibetan nuns.”